No no no no no.

I just saw my friends wedding pictures. She looked absolutely stunning. Instead of being happy for her, I became bitter about my life.

But you know what? You're SUPPOSED to look stunning on your wedding day. She did...and I will, too. I don't want to get married for a long time...so why am I even worried about this?

My therapist is showing me that almost every conflict I have (or the way I deal with it) relates back to how I do (or don't) accept myself. What's my definition again? "A conscious decision or act of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness." Or, something like that.

:D

My eyes are watery today.

Whatever.

I just got back from my women's group. It was really nice. It's good to know that there are other women out there that feel the same way that I do. And they don't have answers, either. Just, along the way you unconsciously make decisions about what you believe. It's frustrating in the day to day life, but when I think about where I've come from in the past year, I am truly amazed.

What else is going on? Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Mom just stopped by and brought cupcakes and goodies for us. She pulled me aside and talked to me and....ugh. I'm just so sad that I can't get what I need emotionally from her. I want that so bad. Especially with Valentines Day....

You know what? No. It would be very easy to sink into this depression piece. I have reasons to hurt. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not. I'm going to do something positive tonight that will affirm me.

I've had some chocolate, and it was good. I'm watching a good TV show, that's good, too.

I'd love to talk to Aaron. Wouldn't that be nice? He would be so nice to me and so loving and it would just make me feel worse because I don't have that here. I guess I don't have to worry about that...he won't be home from work for two and a half more hours.

I don't know.

Repeat after me: acceptance is a mental attitude or conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

Unconditonal kindness and gentleness. I am WORTH that, damnit. And I'm worth giving it to myself.

Acceptance.

My therapist asked me to define "acceptance," which is something that I've been struggling with. I integrated some other formal definitions to create my own.
Acceptance: A mental attitude of conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

We talked about a few things.
*I mentioned myself and others...and I put myself first
*I used the word "unconditional"

In our discussions, I realized that acceptance recognizes worth but doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be okay with it. For example, if someone hurts me (mom), I recognize that they have worth, and treat them as such, but I don't need them in my life and I don't need to be okay with the hurt.

I also thought about something else today. Maybe I don't have to "feel" pretty to accept myself.

Hmm. Food for thought.

Speaking of food...dinner time.

Patience.

So many things are running through my mind.
My weight. (Duh.)
Paper/presentation due on Tuesday.
Lack of money.
How much fast food I've eaten lately.
My plans this weekend (birthday dinner with Megan and Em, Church and Jeff Dunham).
Patience (with the God thing).
Acceptance (therapist wants me to define it in words and pictures.
Amber's BIL calling (long story).

Well, I guess it's not that long of a story. A co-worker wants to set me up with her brother-in-law, who is 21. I gave her my number to call me so that we could all go out to dinner or something, if he is interested. I gave my number on Sunday and we just ended Thursday. I know that I need to calm down, but seriously. I just get so anxious. (This is nothing new, people).

I talked to my therapist about it. He helped me realize a few things. First, I feel like I can't have a crush or anything resembling a crush. I automatically believe that no one will EVER EVER EVER like me. Anyway. I need to learn that all emotions are okay to feel AND to express.

Wow. I can't formulate any sentences right now. Later. :)