I'm not mailing this...

but this is what I wish I could say to my mom. I haven't re-written it, and its not refined enough. It would probably be interpreted wrong - which is why I'm not sending it.


I KNOW that you only do things because you love me and want the best for me. I truly, 100% know that - which is what makes disagreements tough. I also know that you sometimes feel like you're walking on egg shells around me. I wish that wasn't the case, but I also wish I felt like you understood where I am coming from.

I know that overdrafting my account has consequences. I accepted them. That is probably a decision you wouldn't have made. But you didn't make this decision. I'm not proud of the fact that it came to that, but I also knew what I was doing when I bought gas and dinner and overdrafted. I'm not making excuses.

Nor do I feel like it was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't like it, but I also don't feel guilty. And I hate the fact that I spent all last night crying and feeling crappy because I love you and am sensitive to what you say.

I'm sure you're going to take this as an example of me taking things the wrong way, or you feeling like you need to walk on egg shells around me. I hope you don't do that because this is not what I intended. I'm only writing this because I want you to know that, like it or not, I care too damn much about what you think. I still feel like I'm playing a game - trying to please the parents. By now I should be able to have a little more independence and pay (literally) for my own mistakes. I know that you keep tight reigns on me (money-wise) because I've screwed up in the past and you want to prevent that (like a loving parent). I'm not faulting you for that....I just feel like you're not supporting me in the right ways. What good did getting onto me last night do? It may have made you feel better. It made me feel crappy because I KNOW overdrafting has consequences. I also know that I'm a college student with a very limited income. Instead of reacting the way you did, it would have been nice to have a more "you can do it" attitude - if you had to approach me at all.

Being frustrated with this situation is hard because I know you want the best for me, and I love you. I can't hate you because I'm upset.

She also sent me an e-mail saying that they're going up to Seattle for a softball tournament. She wanted to know if I wanted to go, because there's an H&M up there - a store I fell in love with in Europe. I e-mailed her back saying that there wasn't a store with the plus size section in the U.S. (that I can find). She e-mailed back saying "Well, that's okay . . . there are other things to purchase in a
department store!" I just find that incredibly ironic - she tore me down for spending money needlessly last night - and now e-mails me about money?

I am very frustrated and still in a funk. This made it a little better, though.