I'm posting this here only so I'll remember to use it when I get paid.

Since I'm at it...

I'll post some make-up lustings. Just because. It's $212.50. I had to stop, because some of these things I'm SERIOUSLY lusting for. Like the Stila kits. The holidays are a great time to buy make up because everything comes in sets. Much cheaper. This is another reason about working retail during the holidays - the materialism.

If I had a million dollars....

Baby Phat

Palazzo Pant

Ruffle Heels



Actually, it's only $376.48.

But thats more than I have, lol.

So I walk in the door...

and there's a HUGE ASS SPIDER sitting on my coat. I had to kill it and it was gross. I don't like killing things, but I just didn't want it running around and giving me bites. There's possibly a bit on my breast...ick.

Anyway. Boy came over and hung out with me today. I felt sad when he left, again, but then I went and had dinner. I was 6, I was kinda hungry, and its okay to eat...but I don't know why I felt so guilty. Like I feel like I was hiding it....when I think about it logically, it's alright. It's okay to eat. I had a normal dinner. And I was even a bit hungry. Great. Why do I feel like I was cheating on something or guilty for something?

Anyway - about the things I wanted to write about before.

Job.
I have almost a certain job at Lane Bryant at Washington Square (15 miles away, takes about 35 minutes). I know the job, discount is good, and I'd be making some extra money. I wouldn't be obligated to stay longer than January, but I would most likely have the option to.
I then saw a job posted on online - it's a coffeeshop in Sherwood, much closer than Wash.Sq.

Dad says, no jobs. You don't need it.
Mom says, LB. The opportunity is perfect.

It was a rough few days, but I think LB is the choice - I just need to get the official phone call.

What else did I need to write about? Oh, Weight Watchers. I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow night to see how things are. I'm very, very nervous about starting it again. Can I do it? I couldn't do it before. I still have to eat in the Bon - can I do it? I'm an emotional eater - can I do it? I've always been big - can I do it?

Ironic.

So, Boy left after spending some glorious time with me. We didn't do anything - watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour, cuddled, had pizza, took a walk - normal stuff. It was just nice being with each other.

But then he left.

And as I closed that door I had that sickening feeling. I'm alone, he's gone...I'm alone. I know it's not permanent, but I HATE that feeling.

So, I worked out. I made it for about 15 minutes before I decided that I was tired.

Feel like a failure? Anyway...

I need to go now, but things I want to talk about next time:

*jobs
*Weight Watchers


:D

Does anybody read this?

I'm stressed.

1.) I keep sleeping in. No more melatonin for awhile.
2.) I have a job interview; yay, but I'm worried about the distance and how much money I'll actually take away.
3.) My period is MIA.
4.) I have a work review in 5 minutes. Then a presentation. Then I need to write a paper.
5.) I consistently have no money.

:(

At work...

and listening to big band. Weird. These people have weird music taste. I can't wait to go home, slip into some PJ's and do some stuff. I'm thinking dishes, restocking the fridge with more water, picking up, and possibly even a short little workout (I'll explain why in a minute).

Today was a good day. I slept through step aerobics, but that's okay. I cleaned up, met Em for lunch, went to work, went to class, did some homework, went to work, did some homework, and now I'm at work. See a pattern? I've only got about 20 minutes left, though.

I've decided that I have almost exactly two months until Christmas. That's 8 weeks. I want to lose 10 pounds. But how am I going to do that? Ah-ha!
*1 liter (at least) of water a day.
*20 minutes workout activity a day.
*write down what I eat.
*3 servings of fruits and veggies.

Sweets are my downfall. I'm going to try to have a normal dessert after dinner, instead of sweets throughout the day. I know that dessert every day is a bit much - but it's a huge step for me. When I get home I'm going to make a schedule thing so I can mark off all of my goals each day. And the fruits and veggies may be hard to do, because of my money situation. I have a small meal plan at school, but sometimes it's hard to get those things. Also, I'm very low on money, and honestly, fresh produce is just a lot. Next time I go to the store I'll try to get some bananas or something.

If I do all of those things consistently and DON'T lose 10 pounds, fine. But I will have made SO much personal progress....

:)

Okayyy.....

This is getting old...I'm so stressed and confused. Okay... pressing matter of the moment: grad school.

I've figured out that a Masters for counseling is great when going into working with addictions. But you don't *have* to have one. I want one, because it's been a goal, and because it will better ensure a job and better job options. K.

I signed up for the GRE ( a pre-req. for most, if not all, grad programs) on Thanksgiving weekend. It's a month away. I have not studied, and I don't see too much time.

So I want to push my GRE test date back....perhaps until near or after graduation. That way the info will still be in my mind, and I'll have more time to study.

The problem with that is, I will have to wait for applications to grad school. Which may actually be a good idea. I've been so stressed with all this lately, I'm thinking about just giving myself some time. I'm scared, though, because I DO want to go to grad school, so I don't want to wait and risk not going.

Ugh. This sounds so much better written down - why is it so hard in my head?

What is wrong with me?

I got Taco Bell today (I was truly hungry), and I bought ice cream sandwiches and had too many. Even though I was truly hungry when I had Taco Bell, I was thinking about it...wanting it. And those ice cream sandwiches too.

I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm so..........confused and upset.

Aaaaaaannnndddd......

binge.

So I walked into work...

and my boss asked me if I needed any coffee. LOL - I must look terrible. Actually, I do. Last night was so rough....so rough. I ended up crying, taking a bit of a nap, and then got ready to see a movie with Em. We saw An American Carol - so funny! The night ended well, but it made for sleeping hard and puffy eyes in the morning.

So, I got a bran muffin and some hot chocolate. I'm skipping class now. I just feel so gross and not like going, so I'm going to clean up the apartment. That always makes me feel better.

Tomorrow I finally get to have hugs from the Boy. I need them so bad...I know that I have family and friends, but I still feel alone. Alone in this apartment, alone in the school/grad school thing, alone in my insane anxiety...its just really tough and really getting to me. I just want to relax and I don't think I can. I need a break so bad.

Anyway. I suppose I should get going on some stuff.

I hate how I feel.

I have constant headaches. And anxious feelings. I'm supposed to feel better after switching my medications.

I'm supposed to go see a therapist tomorrow, but I'm not sure I need one...

I'm just very confused right now. About so many things. Sooooo many things.

:(

Nothing boosts you like....

a job interview that might actually work out! I've been on dozens of job interviews over the summer and into school...and nothing has worked out right - namely due to my schedule. But I had one today with the City...the hours will work, it's work that I've done for years before, its part time, pays well, and is for only 6 months. (Which is good, because I'll graduate after that, and who knows where life will take me?) I need to stop thinking about it and focus on everything else in my life at the moment...but there you go. :D

I came back and cleaned up the apartment a bit. I hate when it's a mess. Em is coming over in a little bit and we're going to have a study date. Which means that we'll get a little bit of homework done, but not a lot. And I think I'm going to make banana bread since my oven is working :D

I'm excited for this weekend - I'm leaving for Spokane with the family to visit the undergrad school at Whitworth (for Amy) and the grad program (for me). I'm just ready to get away. Everything has been so stressful lately. I actually decided before this last interview that I wasn't going to apply for any more for awhile. Yes, I need the money, but, no, I can't do this much longer. It's only a quick weekend. But I need to get away from here, get some stuff sorted out, and spend time with the family. Hopefully that'll rejuvenate me a bit.

I also get my paycheck when I come back, and a new phone from Verizon. I HATE my phone. It's a chocolate, and its been nothing but trouble. That's so exciting. Then on Monday we don't have school, so I have my last med-check with Dr. Perez, and then my first counseling appointment with the guy he recommended. I'm not sure I want to take on anything else right now. I guess I'll go to the intake interview, and then decide if the benefits will outweigh the cost.

In other news...I've only worked out twice this week. Wretched.
In other, OTHER news, my knees have been bothering me. Especially on stairs - they just feel weak and creaky.

p.s. I need some serious plans for Halloween. I serisouly need to get some party going on here.

This makes me angry.

So I go to an online forum sometimes. It's focused around fitness, but it truly covers every topic.

Some woman posted today. Apparently, she's an athiest, but she let her children decide if they wanted to go to church with her father, and they do. Great. And a woman at church approached her, asking if her children were going to be taking the "Sex ed" class they were doing. Now, I have no idea what type of format it would be, but I assume they would take the abstinence approach and the pro-life approach.

This woman is appalled at the thought and doesn't want to let her children participate. This makes me angry because:

1. If your kids are old enough to make their own decisions about going to church, they're old enough to make a decision about going to class or not.
2. You could use it as a launching board; to facilitate discussions about sex. I believe that no institution should be the ONLY informative basis on sex (or anything, really). So if she's learning from church, she should learn from school, and, most importantly, PARENTS.
3. This woman assumed that because the church was teaching it, it was going to be totally against what SHE believes. And that may be the case, but her children may decide to believe parts of it or not.

God. I don't consider myself a Christian, really, but I'm SICK of people hearing the word "church" and run screaming the other way. Yes, there is corruption in the church. There is also corruption on Wall Street. There's corruption in the school system. There's corruption everywhere. Granted, the church may be more dangerous because they claim to be THE voice of God...

I don't know why that pisses me off so much. I'm very happy that that woman is not forcing her children to go to church OR to not go to church. I'm glad they have that option. But I want them to have a FAIR shot of learning about what they believe.

And the craziness continues.

So...today I left for class, and left my keys in my apartment. That was a bit of a hassle. I had an interview that was today that I THOUGHT was tomorrow, so that was a hassle, too.

But, some positives. I stopped by Goodwill on the way home and got a cool workout video that I've wanted to try. I did a short workout with it tonight. That makes 9 workouts since the first. Which is more than I've done in one month in awhile. I have a monthly calendar hanging up, with all my workouts highlighted and written in so I can see them. I'm very proud of myself for sticking with something - ANYTHING - for more than a week.

And my eating plan thing...
*no fast food.
*write down what I eat.
*at LEAST a liter of water a day - hopefully more.

Let's just stick with that for now. I'm not putting any restrictions on my eating, what I can/can't have, but I do want to focus on regular meal times and not snacking a lot.

I'm updating my ipod right now, I intend to go for a walk tomorrow. I work 9:30-12:30, and then I have a class, so I'm done by 1:30. I'll probably go for my walk then. (I'll have a small break for lunch in there somewhere). That will put me at three workouts for the week. I'd like to do one on Saturday, but we'll see.

I made an appointment for my dermatologist for that weird thing on my stomach. I also made an appointment with another therapist that my other doctor recommended. We'll see if I need to go. The woman I talked to on the phone did NOT understand me. No one else that I speak to on the phone seems to have trouble understanding me, but that woman was just...ugh. Which reminds me - I need to print off some paperwork to take in there.

So back to my interview. I ended up getting there, and everything seemed fine. The thing that is getting to me is the scheduling. The scheduling that I have is just NOT cool...I told them I was available at times that I'm actually at work at the bookstore, hoping that I could rearrange that a bit. I want the job, but I don't want to rearrange with everything else that's gone on. (People switching with me on Thursday, and then the whole thing yesterday). I don't know...I hope it works out...I dunno.

So...I'm not feeling too hot.

*I had to get out of work for an hour today. Apparently the way I did it was wrong, and I got scolded. I do understand, I just feel so guilty.
*I went home for dinner tonight, and found out that I had over drafted my account. My mom had written up everything, and everything is going to be fine...but again I feel so guilty.
*A friend is very depressed, and I feel guilty because I can't do anything about it.
*I was confronted with how much fast food I've eaten lately, and it's not pretty. Again, guilty.

I'm making a bit of a game plan now - about how I'm going to fix the fast food thing. And the other things are going to be okay....this guilty is just really making me uncomfortable. :(

So...

Okay.

I'm fat.
I want it to change.
Well, I want my body image to change. And THEN I want to lose weight.
I don't like how self conscious I am, especially around my boyfriend. It's not fair to him and I don't like it.

Question: how to change it? Diet and exercise. Duh.

I've been working out a lot lately, and that's good. But since moving to my own place, I've been eating what I want. Rarely having an actual binge, but rather not denying myself fattening foods. That makes me feel gross, and I don't like that, either.

Problem: I always fail. I feel like I can't do it.

That's the big delimma. I feel like, yeah, I could change the food, too, but I have an all or nothing attitude...and that's why I always fail.

Fail is such a strong word.

Maybe I should just set some boundaries for myself. And then if I don't end up being able to follow through, I shouldn't be to hard on myself. If I can do the exercise, I can do the food, right?

I need to get rid of the urgency I feel.

This makes me sick.

Late last month President Bush and his Health and Human Services Secretary, Mike Leavitt, announced a new rule that would allow employees of organizations that receive federal funding to deny healthcare service if that service is contrary to their personal, religious, or ethical beliefs. It also allows discrimination against women who try and gain accesss to reproductive health information and services.

This new rule is directly targeted to restrict access to reproductive health care.

The effects of these regulations are numerous as they expand the power of healthcare providers to refuse to provide even basic information, counseling and referrals for important health care services.

Since this proposed rule is in the public comment stage, you are able to comment electronically. You may submit electronic comments on this regulation to http://www.Regulations.gov or via e-mail to consciencecomment@hhs.gov. To submit electronic comments to www.Regulations.gov, go to the Web site and click on the link “Comment or Submission” and enter key words "provider conscience."

It's been awhile!

Whew. What's been going on:

-school started. I'm on my third week. Woohoo. Things are going well so far, though.
-I have ten hours a week at my campus job, still looking for something else.
-I'm driving the Boy in to the dentist tomorrow: he's probably going to have some emergency surgery done. He's scared, but he needs it.
-I'm doing well in my new apartment. I can't figure out how my bathroom and my floor keeps getting so freaking dirty. I truly have no idea. And I hate doing dishes.
-I've started looking at grad schools and am scared out of my freaking mind.
-I've done 6 workouts in 12 days and I'm pretty darn proud because some of them were super hard.
-I signed up for Netflix. I'm pretty excited. :D You can get workout DVDs from them, too. I have one of them right now and then my next one will be a movie, In Bruge. I'm excited to see it, because, heck, I was in Bruge! I should probably invite Em over and make it a movie night.

I think that's about it...I really need to post more. I came up with a hurdle that I'm facing with my body image. I've learned to label my inner critic (Harriet) and I've learned to talk back to her, but it's hard to talk back when there is truth in what is being "said." It's hard to be positive when you KNOW you're fat, when you KNOW you're not attractive in certain areas. Working out does help, though. I just need to do it VERY consistently, not take more than two days off in a row. And I worked out today, so now I feel fine.

I'll be sticking around Nick's place tomorrow while he's here recuperating. I brought a bunch of my homework, so I can definitely just hang out and do some work while I make sure he takes his meds.

Nighty night. :D

First Day of School

Today was my first day back at classes. I showed up to work at 8:00, then went to step aerobics at 9:40. I'm SO excited for that class! It'll be an easy way to get some exercise in. Then I had Cognition at 12:40. I was nervous, but I think I can handle that class. Tomorrow I have Advanced Counseling, Senior Seminar, and Human Sexuality. I'm sooooo psyched! Nervous about some things: I'd like to find another job and I need to find an internship. But I'm excited for my classes. :D

I wish I had more to post, but I really don't. Oh, I went to my CCO yesterday and picked up Pharaoh paint pot - and that other McQueen one, the blue one. Then I got Crystal Rose lipglass (gorgeous color!), and I picked up the Heatherette beauty powder in Smooth Harmony - I had meant to pick up Alpha Girl. So I'm going to go exchange it soon.

Anyway. :D