suck.suck.suck.

I promised the Shape ladies I wouldn't eat anything else this evening. I had three more pieces of pizza. Tomorrow WILL be better.

Today is a new day.

I had a muffin for breakfast. Mom went shopping (finally). I need to shower. Maybe then I'll go somewhere...I'm feeling anxious.

I should work out. I hate that. I should, should, should. Blah, blah, blah.

I talked to Ryan for an hour last night. I felt really bad about myself last night. Not necessarily because of him. We're going to hang out when he gets back. He's lost about 20 pounds from being in the navy. And he hasn't seen me in two years. I've gained weight, though I don't want to admit it.

I want to make a deal to do 30 minutes of activity a day, and give up refined sugar. I can do that, right? Right.

Today I said I was going to quit sugar.

And then I had two cookies and three mini reeses peanut butter cups. I was bored. The weird thing is, my stomach hurts. And I have a huge headache.

Blah. Tomorrow, no sugar, 30 minutes activity, and 64 oz. of water. I pulled out a success story of a woman that was 5'8" and 298 pounds. She lost 150 pounds and looks AMAZING. She makes it look so easy. But it's not. And it wasn't easy for her. It won't be easy. I'm so bloated from the holidays.

Eh. Erich called another friend last night. She told me that he called for her advice on our friendship. Mom told me that I should call him, even though I wanted him to call me first. I called him...and he's called me twice since then and he said he'd call me again.

Eh. I feel bloated and headachy and sick and bored and tired.

It's Official.

I'm going to give up refined sugar indefinately starting tomorrow. It doesn't seem like it's a big deal, but if I look at my food journals, I have candy every day. So, I guess the rules are candy..artificial sweeters are okay. I'll start with this, also trying to phase out breads and such. I also want to get my water in. It'll be a bit of a challenge, but I hope this is enough of a baby step. :)

Christmas, 2006

It's weird being one of the "big kids." At Christmas Eve this year (on my dad's side), I got a ton of cash and a DVD....not anything that I was able to "play" with. It's fine, I appreciate the cash (it's SO what I need...) but it was just an interesting observation.

I also had feelings of jealousy for a little bit this morning - I don't know what that was about. I feel good now. I think I'm going to put in my new Golden Girls season.

I don't have any interesting insights right now, but I will later. :)

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of reading diet books. Of feeling sorry for myself. Of searching for love and compliments and meaning.


I'm so tired.

I should...

...cut out refined sugar and starches.
...quit drinking diet pepsi.
...create a rigid workout plan.
...quit overanalyzing.


Easier said than done, right? Right. It seems silly to start something two days before Christmas. So...I won't. I'll get some form of activity in, and I'll pay attention to what I'm eating, feeling, and such. I will also have a "Jill" prep-time in the morning. Tomorrow morning I'll figure out what that will consist of. Yoga? Meditation? Writing? I made a "morning mix" of motivational songs. I will incorporate that. I'll also incorporat some sort of writing. I need to write more. Especially fiction. (I'm in a writing fiction class next semester...EEK!).

I WILL kick butt at this. Jill...it's time to cut the crap - literally. The next few days...it's unrealiztic. But that doesn't mean you can't start practicing habits that will help you (morning time, etc).

It's time to make a serious change.

I bought my first vibrator today! It's 7.5 inches long, sparkly purple and rubbery. It's fan-freaking-tastic. I feel so grown up. :) Hmmm...it needs a name.

By the way, the diet pepsi thing isn't happening anytime soon.

Again.

Newsflash, right? Hah. The Shape ladies were honest today, telling me that I don't need to buy designer coffee becacuse of the extra calories and the frivilous money. It's true. Eventually, one of them said that Shape wasn't a healthy place for me and that I spend too much time overthinking and overanalyzing everything. Then she said "DO SOMETHING ELSE." Exactly like that.

It made me feel so low. Maybe I should send her a message to talk about it - no. It's not her job to hold my hand through whatever whining and angst I have.

I know I think too much. I obsess about what I eat ALL.THE.TIME. That's just normal to me. I feel like that show's that I'm working on losing weight, which is "good" for a fat girl. A fat girl is pathetic when she doesn't even TRY to lose weight. By thinking about it, buying 1,000 self-help and diet books, I think that it will help me. I know that nothing will work, except my actions.

I saw a picture of me from Thanksgiving. I think I finally look pathetic. I don't want to admit that. Geez. This is a lonely and a sad place to be...feeling unattractive and worthless. Why does attractiveness coorelate with happiness? Ugh.

I take care of myself with food. I comfort myself with food. I don't know what I would do or how I would feel if I didn't. It would certainly be unpleasant. I don't want to live an unpleasant life. Yeah, yeah yeah...being fat is unpleasant. Apparently, though, it's better than denying myself.

Sidenote: This is supposed to be the most "magical" time of the year. I've lost that. All I can think about is my bank account, my grades, my rolls, my food intake. I'm so tired. So, so tired.

All I've ever wanted was comfort. Why should I feel guilty for that?

If I dwell in this any longer, I'll slip into that irreversable depression for the night. That's a comforting place. Being depressed and feeling sorry for myself is a form of comfort for me; if I don't, who will? I *know* that's selfish. I guess I just don't care. If it feels good, and I put my life into it, and I believe that it's all I have, why would I give that up?

Maiden Voyage

Hello, lovelies. This place is just for me. Just for my thoughts, my journals, my rantings, my pleasures, my discoveries...me.