Again.

Newsflash, right? Hah. The Shape ladies were honest today, telling me that I don't need to buy designer coffee becacuse of the extra calories and the frivilous money. It's true. Eventually, one of them said that Shape wasn't a healthy place for me and that I spend too much time overthinking and overanalyzing everything. Then she said "DO SOMETHING ELSE." Exactly like that.

It made me feel so low. Maybe I should send her a message to talk about it - no. It's not her job to hold my hand through whatever whining and angst I have.

I know I think too much. I obsess about what I eat ALL.THE.TIME. That's just normal to me. I feel like that show's that I'm working on losing weight, which is "good" for a fat girl. A fat girl is pathetic when she doesn't even TRY to lose weight. By thinking about it, buying 1,000 self-help and diet books, I think that it will help me. I know that nothing will work, except my actions.

I saw a picture of me from Thanksgiving. I think I finally look pathetic. I don't want to admit that. Geez. This is a lonely and a sad place to be...feeling unattractive and worthless. Why does attractiveness coorelate with happiness? Ugh.

I take care of myself with food. I comfort myself with food. I don't know what I would do or how I would feel if I didn't. It would certainly be unpleasant. I don't want to live an unpleasant life. Yeah, yeah yeah...being fat is unpleasant. Apparently, though, it's better than denying myself.

Sidenote: This is supposed to be the most "magical" time of the year. I've lost that. All I can think about is my bank account, my grades, my rolls, my food intake. I'm so tired. So, so tired.

All I've ever wanted was comfort. Why should I feel guilty for that?

If I dwell in this any longer, I'll slip into that irreversable depression for the night. That's a comforting place. Being depressed and feeling sorry for myself is a form of comfort for me; if I don't, who will? I *know* that's selfish. I guess I just don't care. If it feels good, and I put my life into it, and I believe that it's all I have, why would I give that up?