So I need to post. A lot is going on.

I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow. I *think* I have plans with Megan to go shopping on Saturday. I don't know if those still hold. So I was thinking I'd go out tomorrow and get my eyebrows waxed, get coffee, and maybe shopping on my own. It sounds good to spend a day alone tomorrow.

I think Aaron and I are going to take a few days apart - like this weekend. This relationship thing is so hard on me emotionally. He's so sweet and wonderful, and instead of enjoying it, I just get caught up in all of these wounds. I end up crying a lot. It scares me to take a day or two apart...what happens if I need him? I know I need to start learning to do things on my own.

I also have a therapy appointment on Monday. I had an emotional few days and set up an appointment with the counselor that the doctor recommended.....a man. I set up an appointment, but then couldn't make it. I also don't know that I wanted to make it. I talked to a woman professor that I love to see what she recommended for me. I trust her more than the other doctor. She said that there was some good work to be done with a male therapist, but that doesn't mean that I have to do it. I may not be comfortable with it. There are two other women that I could see. So, I called and set up an appointment with the man therapist, and we'll see how that goes. I'm reserving the right to switch to a woman. Kris, my woman professor, commended me for starting up. What she said solidified my worry. I really don't know if I think I can do it.

There are so many things that I want to improve. I want to see things rationally, and not just black and white. I want to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll see things I won't like, but I know that'll happen. It just scares me. I'm so tired of being sad. I've recognized a lot of things....I have a really hard time getting close to people. I suppose I trust them as people...I'm just terrified to let my guard down. Because once I do, all my issues will just flow out.

I called mom this morning to see if she wanted to do something with me tomorrow. She said no....which is fine. It still kinda stung. I feel like I'm always disappointed with my relationship with her and dad. Yet I still try. I still hope.

I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is going to be a good day. Will I cry today? I can't just let things be. I really, really hope that I find a therapist soon that can help me. I hope that I'm ready for the work.