Thinking about changing my eating...

...makes me panic.

I ate a lot of pasta and bagels this week, mainly because I was working 40 hours and tired, and didn't want to cook.

I want to eat good food because I like good food. It makes me feel good. I feel more sluggish when I eat just carbs.

But I start panicking: i can't do it, it's too hard, i always fail, etc. Gah. I have to go to work in a few minutes.

Beauty Group.

So today was Friendsview. There was a really cute Chocolate Party. The administrator came and sang old love songs, and we had cookies and cake and chocolate fondue and strawberries set up. Each resident also got a carnation and baby's breath in a cute little vase. Then, Marie set up a new group called Beauty Group. On Thursdays at 4:00 another volunteer, Christine, paint the residents nails in the Health Center. So cute. :)

I planned to write more, but I'm feeling kinda tired.

Pay Day

Woohoo. I get paid today. It's a hella check, but I'll need to conserve lot of that because my other paychecks will suck. I did place an order, though, at beautycrunch.com. I got two eyeliners, a convertible color, four dual eyeshadows, a lipstick, a smudge pot, and two palettes, all Stila, for $50. Plus free shipping. I'm feeling a bit guilty, but I think everything will be okay.

Saturday is Valentine's Day. This is the first one that I've spent with someone, and I'm very excited to spend it with Boy. We're going to go to dinner and just have a great evening. He gave me an iTouch (omg I didn't post this yet!) last week, as a Christmas/Valentines, possibly part of Anniversary gift. Then, he showed me a beautiful digital art piece that he made me...and he's printing that out for me. I'm very excited just to spend some time with him. And my gift is homemade, and will be incomplete, I think. But I'll do what I can to finish it.

Now I'm bored. I leave for the Manor in about 40 minutes. Why do I always feel kind of anxious before I go? I know everything is fine...it always is.

Tonight..

was a wonderful night. I was able to spend some quality cuddle time with the Boy. We also did another really intimate act (that was not sexual), and it was awkward and wonderful and perfect at the same time.

He also surprised me with an 8gb iPod Touch! It's perfect - I knew he was getting it for me, when he got me back on his feet. I was expecting it in a month or so...but this was a completely random day it was such a surprise. (I love surprises. Especially small ones - but this was a very big one!).

Soooo....I'm off to play with my new toy. :D

George Fox.

Yes, the college, but also the man. I was reading up on Quakerism recently, because I've found it very interesting. I found a quote by George Fox in my readings, and it really struck a cord with me.

"You will say Christ saith this, and the apostles say this, but what canst thou say? Art thou a child of Light and hast thou walked in the Light, and what thou speakest is it inwardly from the God?"

This was really liberating to me at first, because I think Fox is saying that yes, Christ and the apostles were good, but our experience is good, too. We were given the Inner Light, too.

I also read that most Quakers believe that there are aspects of good and evil latent in everyone. That really gives us a lot of freedom. There are lots of things about the Quakers that I admire, but I still need to understand what they believe about Jesus. I need to work out what I believe about Jesus - but I have also been hurt by the church, and I think Jesus is that icon for hurt right now.

Tuesday.

My back hurts so bad. :( I just took some Motrin, I'll probably need to take some later. I'm so glad I don't have classes today, I don't think I could sit for hours. I was supposed to meet Amber this morning to talk about our Research Methods project, but she wasn't able to make it. It's fine, but I feel behind in that class...I would've liked some reassurance. Then I'll meet Em for lunch, and then go to Friendsview. I'm feeling uneasy today.

I called my mom to talk about a possible doctor's appointment, and it didn't go over too well. But - oh well. Things could be worse. I'll have lunch with Em in 30 minutes and I'll feel better. I still wish I could just shoot dopamine into my brain. :p Without being addicted to anything. :p

So I love my boyfriend.

That's not news, but I thought I'd say it. I texted him earlier today because I'm frustrated with my creativity - or lack thereof. I WANT to create, and I have the tools to do it. I just feel like I have to produce good things all the time, when in reality I don't. He told me to go to his deviantart page, because he had written something there yesterday about inspiration and creativity. So I finally got a chance to log online and check it out, and here is a part that sticks out to me:

The variations in my work are nothing more than growing pains, photographic creative block, and perhaps the feeling that I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO produce nothing but greatness which in turn is detrimental to my mental and emotional state when I am in the field. It places unnecessary pressure on me to deliver my best which can also deliver my worst.

It DOES place unnecessary pressure on myself. Of course, his main medium of creativity is his (awesome) photography, which is a bit different than the myriad of ways I like to get things out. But it still applies.

Also, he said the words "his girlfriend" in the post and it made me smile. He wouldn't deny our relationship, but there's no need to broadcast it, either. Deviantart is a place for HIM, not US. But I like being someone's girlfriend.

Correction: I like being HIS girlfriend.

/mushy.

I'm not mailing this...

but this is what I wish I could say to my mom. I haven't re-written it, and its not refined enough. It would probably be interpreted wrong - which is why I'm not sending it.


I KNOW that you only do things because you love me and want the best for me. I truly, 100% know that - which is what makes disagreements tough. I also know that you sometimes feel like you're walking on egg shells around me. I wish that wasn't the case, but I also wish I felt like you understood where I am coming from.

I know that overdrafting my account has consequences. I accepted them. That is probably a decision you wouldn't have made. But you didn't make this decision. I'm not proud of the fact that it came to that, but I also knew what I was doing when I bought gas and dinner and overdrafted. I'm not making excuses.

Nor do I feel like it was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't like it, but I also don't feel guilty. And I hate the fact that I spent all last night crying and feeling crappy because I love you and am sensitive to what you say.

I'm sure you're going to take this as an example of me taking things the wrong way, or you feeling like you need to walk on egg shells around me. I hope you don't do that because this is not what I intended. I'm only writing this because I want you to know that, like it or not, I care too damn much about what you think. I still feel like I'm playing a game - trying to please the parents. By now I should be able to have a little more independence and pay (literally) for my own mistakes. I know that you keep tight reigns on me (money-wise) because I've screwed up in the past and you want to prevent that (like a loving parent). I'm not faulting you for that....I just feel like you're not supporting me in the right ways. What good did getting onto me last night do? It may have made you feel better. It made me feel crappy because I KNOW overdrafting has consequences. I also know that I'm a college student with a very limited income. Instead of reacting the way you did, it would have been nice to have a more "you can do it" attitude - if you had to approach me at all.

Being frustrated with this situation is hard because I know you want the best for me, and I love you. I can't hate you because I'm upset.

She also sent me an e-mail saying that they're going up to Seattle for a softball tournament. She wanted to know if I wanted to go, because there's an H&M up there - a store I fell in love with in Europe. I e-mailed her back saying that there wasn't a store with the plus size section in the U.S. (that I can find). She e-mailed back saying "Well, that's okay . . . there are other things to purchase in a
department store!" I just find that incredibly ironic - she tore me down for spending money needlessly last night - and now e-mails me about money?

I am very frustrated and still in a funk. This made it a little better, though.

Tonight...

...is very, very difficult.

:(

Anxiety and worry...

...strikes again. I just need to chill out and relax...I worry that I'm not doing enough. I'll never lose weight. I should be working out. I should have more things under control, I should have a job, I should do this, I should do that...

And I was thinking earlier - I don't know if I can listen to people's problems for a living. I've been doing it quite a bit lately and I've been getting annoyed. But I guess that could just be situational.

I put some anxiety books on hold at the library - maybe one of them will say something that clicks.

Berry Lovely.

That's the name of the color I just painted my nails. It's nice. :p

I think my new BC is messing with me - I've been so emotional lately. Last night I started crying and I truly had no idea why.

I slept in this morning, and I made a banana bread, and only at half of it. :P I made some Hamburger Helper for the week, did some dishes...and totally avoided my homework.

Ugh - the more I think and write, the worse I feel. I should work out, I've been a pig, blah blah blah....

It's 7:13 in the morning.

And I've already worked out. :D Joining that exercise research thing was a great idea. They took all my information, and they plan out the workout. I do one routine for four weeks. Monday is chest and triceps, Wednesday is biceps and back, and Friday is legs, I think. And I was in and out in about a half hour.

I have a busy day. Now I'm going to shower and get ready, then I have an 8:40 class. Then I have to report into work, and I'll probably work until 1:00. Then lunch and a 1:40 class, a 2:40 class, after which I have to leave a bit early (and skip my other class) and go to a job interview in Sherwood. I'm totally qualified and I think I'd love it, but they just need to be a bit flexible with my schedule. I'm probably wasting my time.

Anyway, off to shower....and then COFFEE :D

Yesterday was chaotic.

5 classes. 4 hours of work. WW weigh-in.

Classes were good. Work was fine. Lost .4 at weigh in.

Then proceeded to eat more than I needed that night, being tired, anxious, and cranky. Woke up this morning (at 6:00) and had a lot of cereal. Two bowls...probably a cup total. I'm wearing new pants and they're tight. So...I feel weird today.

So hrmph.

I need to not take other people's problems on my shoulders. I've been doing that a lot recently.

I love my friends, family, and boyfriend. Very much. I'm a person that wants to help them. But me worrying unnecessarily about their problems does not help. All it does is enable them and drive me insane.

I've learned about myself and am motivated to change my problems. Others need to do the same.

More Goodies.

So my boss had me mark down all the Prestige makeup to $1 a piece. Um, hello! I got four brushes, two lip glosses, two single eye shadows, two eyeliners, an eyeshadow quad, and 5 shimmer shadow thing. For $16. Yay.

In other news, I haven't had any water today. I think I can get 32 oz. down tonight, but probably not all 64 for my goal. Well, that's alright. At least I can get half.

Hump Day.

So I just saw some pics of my crush from high school. Holy hotness, Batman.

Moving on.

This week has been good, so far. I've tracked, drank my water, and worked out. Granted, this was only Monday and Tuesday, but today is Wednesday and I'm well on my way to putting three new Tinkerbell stickers on my chart. :P I have no intention of stopping. The only hitch is that my boss is taking everyone out for lunch tomorrow. So...I'll try to make a good choice, but I also have like, 20 flex points that I can use. I'm not stressing too much.

Another bra broke. Now I have 2. I need to get to Lane Bryant ASAP. I got a gift card as a gift, and I hate using it for something that I need - I feel like it should be for something frivilous. But at this point, bras feel pretty damn important. :p I'm going to go this weekend, after I get paid. I also want to pick up some panties. TMI? :p

Speaking of picking up, I need to pick up my apartment a bit. And clean that freaking bathroom. What am I going to make for dinner? Hmm. I don't know. I have some Tuna Helper I could make. Or some of that pizza bake stuff I made. Dang that is good. Last night I had a baked potato with cheese and chili. It made me soooooo full. Almost painfully so.

Speaking of, most days, I'm satisfied with what I've eaten. But I still feel the urge to eat, out of emotions. I'm glad that I've recognized this (i've always know I'm an emotional eater)....but I want to keep it in my consciousness so that I don't eat when I don't at least think about it.

I'm at work but things are so slow. I've done a lot of work today, but 8 hours is a long time...suppose I should sign off for now.

So, I tracked today. :)

I'm happy about that. I came up 4 points shy of my allowance. :)

I also was productive today. I made some pizza bake (casserole thing), and I had enough ingredients left over to make a bit of spaghetti. Those are all packaged and in the fridge. I did some grocery shopping and got some more oatmeal, yogurt, and salad mix - so I'm good to go there.

I never did complete that 30-day workout challenge. I guess I kind of knew that I wouldn't. I've come up with a way to keep track of my goals - week by week.

For this week (starting tomorrow) my goals are:
*drink 64 oz. of water
*walk for 15 minutes
*track my food intake

And next Sunday I'll reassess and make new goals. :)

I can't.

I can’t hit my diet today because I didn’t get a chance to get to the store.
I can’t do my workout today because it is cold outside.
I can’t get up right now and do my stretching because my neck hurts.
I can’t stick to this diet because it just asks to much of me.
I can’t stick to my diet today because I just need to get the job done.
I can’t stick to my diet today because I am tired and stressed and just need a break.
I can’t do this because I just want to live my life.
I can’t go out because I am to fat for life.
I can’t not eat when I go out with friends, it’s rude.
I can’t tell my spouse that I wish they would stop tempting me with fast food they bring home.
I can’t say outloud that this is the 2nd 3rd 4th 5th year in a row that I made a diet resolution.
I can’t tell my family that I need their help this time.
I can’t tell my friends that this time I want it to be for real.
I can’t take off my shirt and not cringe.
I can’t get it out of my head how good my life would be if I could just do this.
I can’t figure out what it is I am doing wrong.


I can’t be the person that says "can’t" anymore.

—Leigh Peele

I said I was going to write later.

And it's later. But I don't think I'm going to write about my trip.

I seriously need to get back on track with Weight Watchers. I want to get back on track. I want to start working out again, and I want to start tracking and seeing lower numbers on the scale. And while I haven't gained, I haven't been doing near as much as I should. It's been a weird few weeks, with the holidays, and losing power, and being snowed in, and the trip to the beach. As of last Monday I was down .6. I'm sure I gained this week - I haven't drunk enough water, I didn't work out, I didn't track, and I ate out a few too many times. So. Tomorrow starts the first day back, and then Monday starts a whole new week. I will use tomorrow to grocery shop, cook, and plan out my return.

:)

Short update.

Dessert glasses. 4 for $7!


Yes - these are MAGNETS!


Amy and I in some weird tunnel at Ripley's.


Johnny Depp at Wax Works. He's so small.


Elephant, Amy, and I at Wax Works.

I will add more later, but I just wanted to post some cute pics. :)