OMG.

Just went to Safeway to turn in cans and then pick up some lettuce for dinner.

As I was walking out, I noticed an ornament display. It was a sterling J - about 5 inches tall...with fake crystals on it.

OMG. Good thing I get paid tomorrow. When I go there tomorrow to pick up some groceries for the week - I'm pretty sure it's mine. Which reminds me -I think I'm going to make a "decorate Jill's apartment for Christmas" party. I will invite a few people - probably just Em and Boy. I'll have cocoa and cider and we can hang lights inside and maybe get a fake tree...OMG.

Weight Watchers

My first weigh in is tomorrow. I feel so scared - and I'm not sure why. I'm scared that I haven't lost any weight - that my points values are off. That I'm eating too many, that eTools counted too many for my exercise, too little for some of my food...

I can honestly say that this time I've noticed a difference between last time I did this and this time. Last time I was trying to eat the way I was accustomed to and fit it into my points. This time, I've had meals that I didn't particularly enjoy, simply to do well. I haven't had a since fast food item all week. And I've worked out four times (all true workouts, not a mile walk workout). I'm even thinking about working out today.

There are some challenges, though. Working out without others has proven to be difficult. Every workout this week has been with a class or with a friend. I need that motivation and support, but I can't depend on it. And I haven't seen Boy this week, so I don't know what eating with him will be like. I know he will be as supportive as possible, but I see myself just saying "the heck with it" when I'm with him - which is not what I need to be doing.

Anyway. Back to being scared. I guess I'll just have to trust the process. I truly tried this week and didn't give up which was a HUGE accomplishment because I was tempted so many times. If I haven't lost any weight or haven't lost a "satisfactory" amount of weight, I will just try harder the next week. I have a full month paid for, and I've made a promise for that month - if not longer.

My "Diva" of a Boyfriend

bought me this fabulous jacket.

He's the sweetest!

I love you, honey. :D

The GFU bookstore had a HUGE sale

So I bought:
a large blanket
two sweatshirts
two Soffe shorts for Sis
althletic shorts for me
a long sleeve waffle knit shirt
and a brown t-shirt (that I'm wearing)

for $40!!!!! It was all 75% off. Here's a pic:



The two Soffe shorts are for Amy, and one of the sweatshirts is for mom, I think. I can't decide which one.

and again.

Today was such a weird day. I slept in through my walk with Em. Then I had kind of a rough day, especially with that counseling class. So I vowed to work out after sex class. But in class we talked about homosexuality, and it just made me mad, they way they talked about it. Anyway, I decided I didn't really want to work out. But on my way back I met my WW friend, Amber. We agreed to work out at 5:15. So I went to dinner at 4:30.

It was so weird - I was hungry, but not THAT hungry. But they had "good" food that I was excited about. I ate so fast.... I kept thinking about how sinful the meal was, how I was eating fast - it was a warning sign. But I don't know of what....

I did end up working out with Amber. But 15 min. cardio and 15 min. weights only add up to 2 points. But I still did it. I only have 3 flex points left for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Which is fine...but I guess I just feel bad about today. I feel like I've blown it...and its just too soon to tell.

I don't know. I feel so uncomfortable and .....kinda sad.

I won something!

I got an e-mail this morning saying that I won something from Pursebuzz. Here's the link:

here!

Here's a pic:


It doesn't have a description, but it looks like a Sugar palette, an Italian Badger fan brush (good, I need a good one!), a Stila lip glaze pencil, a MAC eyeliner of some sort, a Clinique mascara, perhaps a blush or MES from MAC, and an Anastasia brow set!

I won a brow set from Anastasia from SugarShock a few months ago, so perhaps I'll sell this or give it as a gift.

Certainly helps make my day brighter. I can't wait to get it in the mail. :)

What is wrong with me?

I cancelled my walk with Em this morning - I was just soooo tired. So I got up, messed around, made some breakfast, and went for work for an hour. It was good because I had a lot to do. Apparently, though, I was doing them in the wrong order. Silly boss.

Then I went to Advanced Counseling. Lately, every time I go to class, I feel like such a loser. Like I can't do it. It's such a huge myriad of feelings, and I left class feeling like I needed to cry. I just feel like I can't do it. I need to study for the GRE, and also get caught up on my normal school work. I don't think I'm going to apply to grad school just yet, but apply to the CADC program and get to be a certified addiction specialist. Then I can go back and get a masters later.

I'm also frustrated. I still haven't heard back from LB - I think I'm going to call them soon. I thought I had that job in the bag. And I've been so responsible with my money....

After lunch I work for an hour, and then I have one more class. I think I'll go to the gym and do a quick workout. Then come back, clean up, and go to the library and get some stuff d0ne. Maybe that will make me feel better. Well...maybe workout, dinner, and then come back. That might work.

Tomorrow I agreed to take an extra shift, so I work 10:30 -12:20, and then have class until 1:30, and then 3:30 - 5:00. I think mom is coming up in that 1:30 window to buy some stuff for Christmas because we're having a big sale.

I just feel eh today.

I'm posting this here only so I'll remember to use it when I get paid.

Since I'm at it...

I'll post some make-up lustings. Just because. It's $212.50. I had to stop, because some of these things I'm SERIOUSLY lusting for. Like the Stila kits. The holidays are a great time to buy make up because everything comes in sets. Much cheaper. This is another reason about working retail during the holidays - the materialism.

If I had a million dollars....

Baby Phat

Palazzo Pant

Ruffle Heels



Actually, it's only $376.48.

But thats more than I have, lol.

So I walk in the door...

and there's a HUGE ASS SPIDER sitting on my coat. I had to kill it and it was gross. I don't like killing things, but I just didn't want it running around and giving me bites. There's possibly a bit on my breast...ick.

Anyway. Boy came over and hung out with me today. I felt sad when he left, again, but then I went and had dinner. I was 6, I was kinda hungry, and its okay to eat...but I don't know why I felt so guilty. Like I feel like I was hiding it....when I think about it logically, it's alright. It's okay to eat. I had a normal dinner. And I was even a bit hungry. Great. Why do I feel like I was cheating on something or guilty for something?

Anyway - about the things I wanted to write about before.

Job.
I have almost a certain job at Lane Bryant at Washington Square (15 miles away, takes about 35 minutes). I know the job, discount is good, and I'd be making some extra money. I wouldn't be obligated to stay longer than January, but I would most likely have the option to.
I then saw a job posted on online - it's a coffeeshop in Sherwood, much closer than Wash.Sq.

Dad says, no jobs. You don't need it.
Mom says, LB. The opportunity is perfect.

It was a rough few days, but I think LB is the choice - I just need to get the official phone call.

What else did I need to write about? Oh, Weight Watchers. I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow night to see how things are. I'm very, very nervous about starting it again. Can I do it? I couldn't do it before. I still have to eat in the Bon - can I do it? I'm an emotional eater - can I do it? I've always been big - can I do it?

Ironic.

So, Boy left after spending some glorious time with me. We didn't do anything - watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour, cuddled, had pizza, took a walk - normal stuff. It was just nice being with each other.

But then he left.

And as I closed that door I had that sickening feeling. I'm alone, he's gone...I'm alone. I know it's not permanent, but I HATE that feeling.

So, I worked out. I made it for about 15 minutes before I decided that I was tired.

Feel like a failure? Anyway...

I need to go now, but things I want to talk about next time:

*jobs
*Weight Watchers


:D

Does anybody read this?

I'm stressed.

1.) I keep sleeping in. No more melatonin for awhile.
2.) I have a job interview; yay, but I'm worried about the distance and how much money I'll actually take away.
3.) My period is MIA.
4.) I have a work review in 5 minutes. Then a presentation. Then I need to write a paper.
5.) I consistently have no money.

:(

At work...

and listening to big band. Weird. These people have weird music taste. I can't wait to go home, slip into some PJ's and do some stuff. I'm thinking dishes, restocking the fridge with more water, picking up, and possibly even a short little workout (I'll explain why in a minute).

Today was a good day. I slept through step aerobics, but that's okay. I cleaned up, met Em for lunch, went to work, went to class, did some homework, went to work, did some homework, and now I'm at work. See a pattern? I've only got about 20 minutes left, though.

I've decided that I have almost exactly two months until Christmas. That's 8 weeks. I want to lose 10 pounds. But how am I going to do that? Ah-ha!
*1 liter (at least) of water a day.
*20 minutes workout activity a day.
*write down what I eat.
*3 servings of fruits and veggies.

Sweets are my downfall. I'm going to try to have a normal dessert after dinner, instead of sweets throughout the day. I know that dessert every day is a bit much - but it's a huge step for me. When I get home I'm going to make a schedule thing so I can mark off all of my goals each day. And the fruits and veggies may be hard to do, because of my money situation. I have a small meal plan at school, but sometimes it's hard to get those things. Also, I'm very low on money, and honestly, fresh produce is just a lot. Next time I go to the store I'll try to get some bananas or something.

If I do all of those things consistently and DON'T lose 10 pounds, fine. But I will have made SO much personal progress....

:)

Okayyy.....

This is getting old...I'm so stressed and confused. Okay... pressing matter of the moment: grad school.

I've figured out that a Masters for counseling is great when going into working with addictions. But you don't *have* to have one. I want one, because it's been a goal, and because it will better ensure a job and better job options. K.

I signed up for the GRE ( a pre-req. for most, if not all, grad programs) on Thanksgiving weekend. It's a month away. I have not studied, and I don't see too much time.

So I want to push my GRE test date back....perhaps until near or after graduation. That way the info will still be in my mind, and I'll have more time to study.

The problem with that is, I will have to wait for applications to grad school. Which may actually be a good idea. I've been so stressed with all this lately, I'm thinking about just giving myself some time. I'm scared, though, because I DO want to go to grad school, so I don't want to wait and risk not going.

Ugh. This sounds so much better written down - why is it so hard in my head?

What is wrong with me?

I got Taco Bell today (I was truly hungry), and I bought ice cream sandwiches and had too many. Even though I was truly hungry when I had Taco Bell, I was thinking about it...wanting it. And those ice cream sandwiches too.

I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm so..........confused and upset.

Aaaaaaannnndddd......

binge.

So I walked into work...

and my boss asked me if I needed any coffee. LOL - I must look terrible. Actually, I do. Last night was so rough....so rough. I ended up crying, taking a bit of a nap, and then got ready to see a movie with Em. We saw An American Carol - so funny! The night ended well, but it made for sleeping hard and puffy eyes in the morning.

So, I got a bran muffin and some hot chocolate. I'm skipping class now. I just feel so gross and not like going, so I'm going to clean up the apartment. That always makes me feel better.

Tomorrow I finally get to have hugs from the Boy. I need them so bad...I know that I have family and friends, but I still feel alone. Alone in this apartment, alone in the school/grad school thing, alone in my insane anxiety...its just really tough and really getting to me. I just want to relax and I don't think I can. I need a break so bad.

Anyway. I suppose I should get going on some stuff.

I hate how I feel.

I have constant headaches. And anxious feelings. I'm supposed to feel better after switching my medications.

I'm supposed to go see a therapist tomorrow, but I'm not sure I need one...

I'm just very confused right now. About so many things. Sooooo many things.

:(

Nothing boosts you like....

a job interview that might actually work out! I've been on dozens of job interviews over the summer and into school...and nothing has worked out right - namely due to my schedule. But I had one today with the City...the hours will work, it's work that I've done for years before, its part time, pays well, and is for only 6 months. (Which is good, because I'll graduate after that, and who knows where life will take me?) I need to stop thinking about it and focus on everything else in my life at the moment...but there you go. :D

I came back and cleaned up the apartment a bit. I hate when it's a mess. Em is coming over in a little bit and we're going to have a study date. Which means that we'll get a little bit of homework done, but not a lot. And I think I'm going to make banana bread since my oven is working :D

I'm excited for this weekend - I'm leaving for Spokane with the family to visit the undergrad school at Whitworth (for Amy) and the grad program (for me). I'm just ready to get away. Everything has been so stressful lately. I actually decided before this last interview that I wasn't going to apply for any more for awhile. Yes, I need the money, but, no, I can't do this much longer. It's only a quick weekend. But I need to get away from here, get some stuff sorted out, and spend time with the family. Hopefully that'll rejuvenate me a bit.

I also get my paycheck when I come back, and a new phone from Verizon. I HATE my phone. It's a chocolate, and its been nothing but trouble. That's so exciting. Then on Monday we don't have school, so I have my last med-check with Dr. Perez, and then my first counseling appointment with the guy he recommended. I'm not sure I want to take on anything else right now. I guess I'll go to the intake interview, and then decide if the benefits will outweigh the cost.

In other news...I've only worked out twice this week. Wretched.
In other, OTHER news, my knees have been bothering me. Especially on stairs - they just feel weak and creaky.

p.s. I need some serious plans for Halloween. I serisouly need to get some party going on here.