It's almost 2009.

What do I have on tap for the new year?

*Finishing my last semester (including field experience)
*Graduating with my BA in Psychology
*Turning 22.

Things I'd like to accomplish:

*Don't give up on Weight Watchers
*Take over all my finances
*Begin paying off school debt; paying as much as I can
*Begin a significant savings account.

Last Monday I weighed in and was down .6. I'm down 11.4 total. I don't know how well this week will go. I haven't worked out, but I have been tracking. We're also going to be at the beach for 2 day. I'll make the best choices that I can.

I have all my textbooks for next semester, minus one (waiting for it to come in the mail). Ugh. So many books.

I'm at work for another hour and a half - then I'm leaving to go to Vancouver for our belated Christmas Eve. It'll be good to see everyone and celebrate when we couldn't last week.

I'm weighing in tonight.

First time in what...three weeks? I'm nervous.

I've been biting my nails a lot. They look horrible.
I'm back home - with a TV for Christmas.
I didn't get a lot of what I asked for, but I'm happy we can have a Christmas.
Still haven't had Christmas Eve - our power was out and we were snowed in.
Parents are being somewhat obnoxious.

And I'm freezing.

What a week.

I guess it's been more than a week. We are under so much snow....well, Newberg and Aurora aren't THAT bad, at least not as bad as Portland.

I missed my WW meeting last week because of the snow. I didn't go, because I didn't want to drive. But then I found out it was cancelled. I'm going on Monday, barring a huge storm (that is supposed to happen tonight). I doubt I've lost anything. Probably even gained.

I don't know what is wrong - my motivation is totally gone. I haven't tracked a lot; well, I've tracked everything today. And I'm drinking my water. I'll try to workout when I get home. I have three new (well, from Netflix and the library) workouts. I think I should make a goal 0f doing some activity every day for a month. I think that would really get me into the habit. Worst case scenatio, I go for a walk or just do 15 minutes. I'll make up some rules. Let's see.

At least 15 minutes.
It needs to be aerobic; I need to be at least slightly out of breath.
Doing two in one day won't count for more than one day.

There are going to be some setbacks; namely Christmas, and January 1-3 when my family and I are at the beach. I suppose our hotel will have gym accomodations. And on Christmas I can just got for a walk. I'll pack some workout DVDs that I can do in my room, that won't bother anyone.

I'm not giving up without a fight.

So...

I ended up losing .6 last week, which made me break even from the .6 I gained the week before. This week I've worked out twice - but I've also had two fast food meals.

I got a lot accomplished today. I got all of the ice out of my freezer; it took a hair dryer, a knife, a spatula, and about 40 minutes. I also did my dishes, took a shower, shaved my legs, did my grocery shopping, took out my trash and put away all the laundry that I had hung around the room to dry.

Tomorrow is mom's birthday. Em and I are going home (if it doesn't snow) to have grandma's chicken and dumplings. I won't be able to stay long, but it'll be nice to see everyone again. It's weird thinking that I won't be going home for the whole winter break. I'll be going home almost every weekend and spending the night, but I won't be there for the whole three weeks. That feels weird.

I'm also very excited to go to the beach for New Years! We won't be at the beach New Years Eve, but we'll drive up on the first and spend two nights. I think we're bringing Chance. It'll be fun. :)

Next week I'll be working a lot in the student bookstore, and studying for finals. I only have three, though, so I don't think it's that bad.

Ta ta for now!

I remember...

touching myself when I was younger. Not sexually. I would lay in bed and curl up in a fetal position, to feel my own body heat. I would rock back and forth and cry, whispering "it's going to be okay."

Sometimes I'd stroke my cheek. I bet no one else knows how round and smooth they feel. Once in awhile I would hug myself or touch my thighs; places no one had ever touched.

It felt incredibly wonderful, and incredibly pathetic.
I still don't know what to think about it.

I caught myself stroking my cheek tonight while I was driving. I was in a very sad, delicate mood.

Many things to think about.

I'm going to Weight Watchers tonight. Well, I guess I haven't officially made that decision. Yes, I have. If I don't go, I'll fuel that fire of apathy. So I'm going. Anyway - I'm worried, as usual. I am 100% sure that I gained weight this week. I didn't work out, I had Quiznos with Emily, and a fried dinner with Boy at the beach...and I'm sure there was more. It was just not a good week.

I was fully intending to get up this morning, go to step class, and get back on track. And that's what I did - kinda. I got up and went to step, but we didn't work out today. And I had no other free time. So I didn't work out. I can still work out through the remainder of the week, and I plan to. But but great jump start was foiled.

What's ironic is that 10 pounds seems to be my anxiety marker. It has been that way before. And I lost 10 pounds, and then gained .6. Which is fine...except that this week had resulted in probably a two pound gain. I even prepared for it, I thought. I thought about it, recognized it, and resolved to watch out for self-defeating behavior. And with workouts - I guess that was self defeating behavior. It wasn't crossing my mind at the time - I was feeling tired, apathetic, and I just couldn't drag myself to work out. I even tried, twice. Once at step (when we took an exam instead of working out) and once to hip hop (where I barely broke a sweat, got bored, and left). I was planning to just take this week off and jump back on.

Which is normal and okay, I think, except for the fact that now I'm terrified of seeing whatever number is on the scale. I'm terrified it's going to derail me even more. I toyed with the idea of going but not weighing in - but I feel anxious about it...like I have to face the music, for better or for worse. Then I briefly thought about not going, but thats not going to happen. I'll be late, but I have to go back and get my car. Usually I do this earlier in the day, but today I didn't have time.

So. I'm just kinda....hanging in there. There's also more. I found out (with no help from my advisors) that I need a CADC certification for addictions counseling, but not necessarily grad school (to begin with). So I took the GRE, but planned to skip grad school until later. Today I find out that I need 150 hours of relevant coursework, which is wonderful. Except for the fact that I don't have that many hours from Fox. I'll graduate with 150 hours total. So now I need to take classes elsewhere - which may have been grad school. So, I don't know. The whole situation is just too much. I'm still trying to get an internship for next semester, and I'm following some leads, but I'm feeling so discouraged about it.

About a lot of things.

I'm positive I gained weight this week.

It's just been a hard week. I'm prepared to gain two pounds. It's easy to say that now, that I will be prepared to work very hard this week. And I am. I have every intention and a plan of kicking butt next week. But how am I going to feel when I stand on that scale and the woman tells me that I've gained back two (or more) pounds. Am I going to get very depressed and start the eating cycle again?

I hope not. I have every intention of not. But I also feel a little hopeless right now.

So I have this professor.

And she's amazing. She's balanced. She's been a clinical therapist, is a parent, and now a college professor. She's very sensitive to others, but keeps her boundaries. Her love for her family just oozes out.

I want to be like her.

I also saw photos of her from when she went to Europe with her family this summer. Normally, in class, she'll wear slacks and nice tops, but in these pics, she wore jeans and fitted t-shirts. I got jealous....she's got a fabulous body. She works hard for it; I know she works out consistently and eats right. It just doubled my anxiety about this week.

Especially because Em and I had Quiznos tonight, and frosty's from Wendys. Tomorrow Nick is taking me out to dinner. I know I'm going to gain.

Why does that feel like the biggest deal ever? Part of it is mom mentioning it. She didn't mean it in a harmful way at all; just reminded me that if I gained this week, to not let the self hatred cycle start or continue.

What is my problem?

I have been so lethargic and apathetic this week. I thought it might have something to do with my lack of exercise, but I dragged myself to a hip hop class last night. I ended up leaving early because it was so boring and I wasn't even sweating, and we learned the whole routine in 20 minutes. The instructor wasn't that great. To make matters worse, I just felt like such a huge blob. I know that feeling was all in my head - people weren't looking at me and laughing. I felt like they were. I just felt ashamed.

I've got clean laundry in my basket on the floor, with dirty laundry on the floor next to it. I've got clean dishes to be put away, and dirty dishes in the sink. I've got jackets to hang up, and things to put away. I've got a bathroom and kitchen to clean, a floor to sweep , and a to-do list that is two pages long, just for school. Normally I'm not like this - normally I'm good at keeping up with things. Part of me thinks that I should just cut myself some slack. I've been working out a lot and fairly busy, so maybe this week is going to go best if I just cut myself some slack. Then I'm worried about my weigh in on Monday, since I haven't worked out. I haven't done terrible on eating, so maybe I'll still be alright. It would really suck if I gained this week, since I gained .6 last week.

After work I'm going to go to the library and get some work done for an hour or two. Then, I'll come back, turn on some music and clean. That will make me feel better. Gah.

So...

I've skipped every workout so far this week. Some my fault, and some not. I just feel so lazy....so unmotivated. I'm thinking I might just need to take this week off and let myself chill. I'm still going to watch my eating and count my Points.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go for a walk; and there is a hip hop class tomorrow night in Beaverton. I just want to give myself a break - then get back. I have a lot of new exercise videos and I want to try them; I'm just so unmotivated.

In other news, I got a B on my Cognition Integration paper. :) I'm excited, because that paper was total crap. :D

If I ever get pregnant -

this is something I need to remember:


LOL! How cute.

Anyway...started a new scarf, and it's an actual pattern. I'm so proud of myself! I also weighed in at Weight Watchers; I gained .6. Not bad, especially with two Thanksgivings and a Civil War party (go Ducks!). But, I'm gonna keep going. I went to the grocery store and bought some good food; I was out. I also think I'm going to go to a hip hop class tomorrow night in Beaverton. I've been a few times and enjoyed it; I'm not sure why I don't make it a priority to go.

I'm not sure what else to write about, especially since I have SO MUCH stuff to do before the end of the semester. Tomorrow I'm going to plan out everything that I need to do for the rest of the semester.

Anyway. Going to bed now. :)