Oh, by the way.

I'm sorry that this has been only about food. I swear it'll get better! And I'll have pictures!

Lifespan.

That's the title of the story that I just wrote. It's four or five glimpses into the life of a woman...puberty, to college romance, to early marriage, therapy mid-age, and finally at the birth of her granddaughter. It's still rough, but I'm excited about it.

My life is kind of exciting lately (I never thought I'd say THAT). But I've been questioning the Bible a lot lately...a struggle with finding 1. who I am as a person 2. who I am as a woman and 3. how those interact with religion and God. I was very angry and bitter...I suppose I am, in a way. It will get better, though. I'm now moving on, and I'm kind of sad about the situation as a whole. I'm not sure what it feels like. I'm not entering a dark period of depression with it. I'm not entering a hopeful period, either. I suppose I'm just exploring still. Feeling my way around a bit....


More later, I'm off to dinner. :)

Food.

B: slim fast (190)
S: 20 oz nonfat mocha (200)
L: herbed fish fillet (230) large salad w/ real dressing, some cheese (450); 1 cup canned pears (180?); 2 bites brownie (120); 3 hershey's kisses (75)
S: small apple (80); 2 hershey's kisses (50)
S: 1/2 7 grain bagel w/ TB cream cheese (330)
S: cadbury cream egg (170)
D: 1/2 cup general tsos chicken (180); 2 small beef fajitas (450); ice cream cone (200)

(2905)

Diet Doom.

So. My goal was no refined carbs or sugars for 5 days. Monday was good. Tuesday sucked. Wednesday was good until dinner. I'll start working out again tomorrow...my foot feels better.

Alright. Enough with the diet talk. I'm more than that.

I could write about my Bible struggles, but there's nothing to write about. There's a lot I don't understand.

Why don't I have anything to write about? I'm not allowing myself to feel guilty for what I've eaten. Hmm. Gah.

gongueognerguffa;gubdfvwyv brfybehowubnhwrgurbv ernreubug oauegegg

So sick...

of love songs.

Today was rough. Ate too much, broke my diet, and felt inferior. I want someone to hold me, to validate me.

Eh.

Food.

B: cranberry orange bagel (350) with cream cheese (200); 20 oz. H20
L: 1 serving chicken stir fry (320), serving of Sun Chips (140); fudgesicle (40); diet coke
S: 1/2 cup ice cream (120)
D: 2 cups whole wheat spaghetti (650), 1 cup caesar salad (150), 4 pieces garlic bread (500), 2 big brownies (350)

2820

Bitch.

I'm just going to bitch for a little bit. I'm really tired of being fat. I guess I'm trying, but not hard enough. Today I DID get my 5 fruits and veggies in, though. I'm going to set up a simple exercise routine and plan when I'm going to do it for next week. I know, I know...next week. Why wait? My foot. It's still sore, so I'll give it a few more days. I'm still trying to tackle the eating.

I need to step it up. I think I'm ready. Just scared.

It's been awhile.

B: cup of oatmeal, 2 TB brown sugar, 1/4 cup raisins, small chocolate muffin
L: large veggie salad with dressing; 1 slice pizza, 1/2 thai chicken wrap; 3 cookies; 1/2 slice bread with butter; 20 oz. H20
S: 1/4 cup mixed nuts; 1/4 cup peanut M+Ms
D: 3 small soft tacos; broccoli; 2 servings pineapple; 1/2 cup ice cream; 1/2 slice pineapple cake
S: 16 oz. chai w/ nonfat milk and whip

suck.suck.suck.

I promised the Shape ladies I wouldn't eat anything else this evening. I had three more pieces of pizza. Tomorrow WILL be better.

Today is a new day.

I had a muffin for breakfast. Mom went shopping (finally). I need to shower. Maybe then I'll go somewhere...I'm feeling anxious.

I should work out. I hate that. I should, should, should. Blah, blah, blah.

I talked to Ryan for an hour last night. I felt really bad about myself last night. Not necessarily because of him. We're going to hang out when he gets back. He's lost about 20 pounds from being in the navy. And he hasn't seen me in two years. I've gained weight, though I don't want to admit it.

I want to make a deal to do 30 minutes of activity a day, and give up refined sugar. I can do that, right? Right.

Today I said I was going to quit sugar.

And then I had two cookies and three mini reeses peanut butter cups. I was bored. The weird thing is, my stomach hurts. And I have a huge headache.

Blah. Tomorrow, no sugar, 30 minutes activity, and 64 oz. of water. I pulled out a success story of a woman that was 5'8" and 298 pounds. She lost 150 pounds and looks AMAZING. She makes it look so easy. But it's not. And it wasn't easy for her. It won't be easy. I'm so bloated from the holidays.

Eh. Erich called another friend last night. She told me that he called for her advice on our friendship. Mom told me that I should call him, even though I wanted him to call me first. I called him...and he's called me twice since then and he said he'd call me again.

Eh. I feel bloated and headachy and sick and bored and tired.

It's Official.

I'm going to give up refined sugar indefinately starting tomorrow. It doesn't seem like it's a big deal, but if I look at my food journals, I have candy every day. So, I guess the rules are candy..artificial sweeters are okay. I'll start with this, also trying to phase out breads and such. I also want to get my water in. It'll be a bit of a challenge, but I hope this is enough of a baby step. :)

Christmas, 2006

It's weird being one of the "big kids." At Christmas Eve this year (on my dad's side), I got a ton of cash and a DVD....not anything that I was able to "play" with. It's fine, I appreciate the cash (it's SO what I need...) but it was just an interesting observation.

I also had feelings of jealousy for a little bit this morning - I don't know what that was about. I feel good now. I think I'm going to put in my new Golden Girls season.

I don't have any interesting insights right now, but I will later. :)

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of reading diet books. Of feeling sorry for myself. Of searching for love and compliments and meaning.


I'm so tired.

I should...

...cut out refined sugar and starches.
...quit drinking diet pepsi.
...create a rigid workout plan.
...quit overanalyzing.


Easier said than done, right? Right. It seems silly to start something two days before Christmas. So...I won't. I'll get some form of activity in, and I'll pay attention to what I'm eating, feeling, and such. I will also have a "Jill" prep-time in the morning. Tomorrow morning I'll figure out what that will consist of. Yoga? Meditation? Writing? I made a "morning mix" of motivational songs. I will incorporate that. I'll also incorporat some sort of writing. I need to write more. Especially fiction. (I'm in a writing fiction class next semester...EEK!).

I WILL kick butt at this. Jill...it's time to cut the crap - literally. The next few days...it's unrealiztic. But that doesn't mean you can't start practicing habits that will help you (morning time, etc).

It's time to make a serious change.

I bought my first vibrator today! It's 7.5 inches long, sparkly purple and rubbery. It's fan-freaking-tastic. I feel so grown up. :) Hmmm...it needs a name.

By the way, the diet pepsi thing isn't happening anytime soon.

Again.

Newsflash, right? Hah. The Shape ladies were honest today, telling me that I don't need to buy designer coffee becacuse of the extra calories and the frivilous money. It's true. Eventually, one of them said that Shape wasn't a healthy place for me and that I spend too much time overthinking and overanalyzing everything. Then she said "DO SOMETHING ELSE." Exactly like that.

It made me feel so low. Maybe I should send her a message to talk about it - no. It's not her job to hold my hand through whatever whining and angst I have.

I know I think too much. I obsess about what I eat ALL.THE.TIME. That's just normal to me. I feel like that show's that I'm working on losing weight, which is "good" for a fat girl. A fat girl is pathetic when she doesn't even TRY to lose weight. By thinking about it, buying 1,000 self-help and diet books, I think that it will help me. I know that nothing will work, except my actions.

I saw a picture of me from Thanksgiving. I think I finally look pathetic. I don't want to admit that. Geez. This is a lonely and a sad place to be...feeling unattractive and worthless. Why does attractiveness coorelate with happiness? Ugh.

I take care of myself with food. I comfort myself with food. I don't know what I would do or how I would feel if I didn't. It would certainly be unpleasant. I don't want to live an unpleasant life. Yeah, yeah yeah...being fat is unpleasant. Apparently, though, it's better than denying myself.

Sidenote: This is supposed to be the most "magical" time of the year. I've lost that. All I can think about is my bank account, my grades, my rolls, my food intake. I'm so tired. So, so tired.

All I've ever wanted was comfort. Why should I feel guilty for that?

If I dwell in this any longer, I'll slip into that irreversable depression for the night. That's a comforting place. Being depressed and feeling sorry for myself is a form of comfort for me; if I don't, who will? I *know* that's selfish. I guess I just don't care. If it feels good, and I put my life into it, and I believe that it's all I have, why would I give that up?

Maiden Voyage

Hello, lovelies. This place is just for me. Just for my thoughts, my journals, my rantings, my pleasures, my discoveries...me.