More frustration.

I just went through some of my old journals. I have DOZENS and dozens of them. And they are almost always unfinished (usually with only a few pages filled), and they ALWAYS contain some sort of diet plan, or a food journal, or something. I've done Christian plans where I use Scripture as a reason to not overeat (didn't work). I simply can't name all of the plans I've tried. How many times I've cried, how broken I feel, why can't I just DO it? Other people can? I just...feel broken. I need my eating to be fixed. And because I can't fix it, I'm not only responsible, I'm also too weak to make it better. I truly, honestly, don't know what to do about my weight. I'm afraid if I give up I'll just get bigger. But if I keep fighting, I'll drive myself insane.

And I was very excited to write this post, because I really do want your input and advice. But then I got online and checked my e-mail; the apartment I was hoping for, and the best option that I had come across didn't work out. It was a house that a bunch of students were going to rent. Boys in the house, and me in the converted garage. They decided to put boys everywhere. Now I still don't have a place to live. I answered an ad today on the school's website for a studio apartment - ugh. I don't what I'm going to do.

In honor of my 100th post...

I give you this fine photo:

Beauty.

The comments on my last post really made me think. I still feel the way that the postcard writer feels, but that doesn't mean that I should. Sometimes I hate being logical. I know that buying into that belief is nothing but heartache and pain. Yet I do when I'm at my most vulnerable (and other times, too).

I have a boyfriend now. For the first time. And when we began to date, I told myself that I was not going to make him my everything. Because I want to be independent. We both have our own lives, and now each other. But five months later, I sometimes find myself wondering what will happen if we break up. I don't want that to happen, but I guess I think about it to keep perspective. Kind of like when I think about my dog dying. I don't want to, but I know I'll be devastated when he does, so I try to prepare myself. I guess that's not healthy for a relationship. He's said that my insecurity can come across as neediness - and that bothers him (as it should - it would bother me). He can't help my insecurity. I used to think that a boyfriend would change that, even though I knew that it wouldn't. And it hasn't. It's left me a bit confused.

And then I came across this PostSecret today:


It says "We accept the love we think we deserve." What I get from this is that our demeanor, personality, actions - all generate one type of love. Sometimes it can be an abusive relationship (I'm not for one second blaming the abuse on anyone but the abuser - but there are certain qualities that bring certain people together). I don't think I'm making any sense. I just don't know what to do with this secret.

It makes me think of my boyfriend. I often think that I would like him to be more spontaneous, romantic, etc. But WHY do I want that? I want to believe that those actions would make me feel less insecure, etc. But that's not true. Gah. I love the relationship I have. I don't want to change my boyfriend. It's my insecurity that is making me insane.

Do you ladies/gents have any thoughts on this?

This is sad.

This makes me so sad...I know that virtually every girl in America (at least) feel that beauty buys relationships, and then relationships buy happiness. Since when is beauty currency? Dumb question, I know.

It's Official.

We're going to Reno! Well, my family is. I hope I will. It all depends on if I get a job or not. If I get a job, we're going to have to see whether or not I should ask to rearrange the time. I hope I get a job, but I also hope that I get to go to Reno. :D

So, today kinda sucked. I took a melatonin last night so that I could get some good sleep, but I woke up at 2:00 for the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep for three hours. When I finally did, I slept in until 10:30. So, I didn't take my walk. I had a huge ass waffle for breakfast. Then I went to the doctor to get my first Gardasil vaccine. Came home, showered, cleaned, shaved my legs, etc. I tried to make myself feel better but I was in such a slump. The rest of my eating sucked. I'm trying to hard to just accept it as a day and move on, but it's kinda hard.

Tomorrow I have a job interview at the Registrar's office, and then Amy has an appointment with the new softball coach at GFU. I hope both go well; I'm not sure why, but I feel intimidated by the Registrar's office job. Not that I couldn't get it...I don't know.

Today was just...weird. I've also been thinking about making this journal public. I do want some readers and feedback, etc. On the other hand, I'm afraid of certain people finding this and not responding well. Hrmph.

Hello, there.

I'm getting really tired of making up titles for these things.

Anyway. I took Chance for a walk again this morning. He LOVED it. :D I walked about a mile, too. Tomorrow I'm going to try to go by myself, I'll actually get more walking done. I only did about a mile this morning.

Then, later on this morning I had a job interview at the Dobbes Family Estate; a winery in Dundee. The job would be in a tasting room. I would be pouring the wine, making conversations, etc. The starting pay is $10 an hour. Which is neat, because if I work 32 hours a week (which they want - during the summer), I'll be taking home over $1,000 a month. Minus $300 a so for gas for the month, thats $700 to save, with some to spend. That's fantastic. I hope I get the job. Something good needs to happen to me soon, seriously. (Well, Nick visiting was pretty darn good. :D).

I also heard a little about the housing situation with Jon. The owners of the house lowered the rent price, so I would be paying $400 before utilities. I told him that I would for SURE take the garage if I could live there alone. By splitting the rent, I doubt I'd be spending more than $50 a month. So I'd have an extra $100 from my parents for groceries, and then the income that I'll have. I haven't heard back from Jon yet, but it's about time that something started to work out for me.

Anyway. I've also started reading some of my diet books again (well, The Beck Diet Solution and Shrink Yourself). Well, not so much reading them as skimming them tonight. Hmm...let my add up my rough calories for today. I PROMISE not to get upset at whatever it is.

Woohoo! Roughly 2000, but I had a mile walk and a 15 minute weight training session. Not too bad. :D

I'd love to keep writing, but I need to give the Boy a call. :D

I went for my walk.

It was about a mile. I could've done more, but Chance was with me and he was getting tired. While I was walking I also remembered that I had a glass of milk and some cookies earlier, and some saltines with BBQ sauce. Ugh.

Anyway. I got to thinking; I've been getting up every day at about 7:30 (yeah, I don't know why, either). But it might be nice to just get up and walk every morning. At 8:00, for maybe a half hour or more (depending on if the dog is with me). I would love to make a goal to do that every day for a month, but seriously - I need to start out slow. I'll aim for a week. Tomorrow while I'm walking I can think about what I want to do about my eating. We'll see. If Boy can do it, I can do it.

I really do love him. :D

I finally got to see Nick.

It's been two weeks, and a very long story, but he came over for a little bit today. He's really lost weight, and I'm very, very proud of him. He's really just changed what he eats. No more fast foods..he has yogurt for breakfast, a sandwich and chips for lunch, and a regular dinner. I don't know how he's not climbing up the walls with hunger, but its working for him. He doesn't even have acid reflux problems, and may start not taking his medicine for it.

Honestly, it makes me jealous. I love him and do want him to be happy and healthy, and I love that he's taking care of himself, but it makes me want to get started, too. So, I'm going to write down what I ate today and then take a walk. I hope that'll be enough for me today.

B: turkey, cheese, egg on english muffin
L: PB+J on white; 1/2 cup ice cream
S: Smart ones rice+beans over romaine
S: apple

Now, after Boy left, I had an ice cream cone and made cookies! Why did I do that? I had two of them, but also a bunch of dough. What made me do that? It was probably just feelings of jealousy. I absolutely hate that. I'm going to go take Chance for a walk - see if that makes me feel better.

Oh, Boy made me a CD! It has adorable songs - I'll list them later :)

Shopping for my Imaginary Apartment.

So, the housing thing is still up in the air. I still don't have a job, AND my parents found out about my credit card - so that's a new thing. I was hiding it because I knew they wouldn't approve - but I also wanted to deal with it on my own. I'm very lucky that they DID find out, because now we're going to deal with it and it's all going to be okay. (Kinda). More on that later. For now: internet window shopping!

Maybe this bed instead.


This is perfect for my necklaces.

I'd love this for my bathroom counter.

Maybe this for the shower.

This is good tupperware for the kitchen.

Ugh, there is a certain thing I want for storage. I low table thing with six open squares, and then you put a colored basket in each square. I can't seem to find it anywhere....oh well. This is too much fun. I know that I won't ever get any of this stuff - but I can't imagine how great it will be to have my own SPACE!

I have two job interviews tomorrow.

I'm very nervous. The first is at the campus bookstore. I'm pretty sure that I'll get it - I mean, I'm qualified. That one is at 11:00. And its good, because I think I'll be able to start before school starts...so that'll be good.

The other one is at Product - a makeup store at Bridgeport Village. I'm nervous because it's one of those places where I don't feel like I fit in. I'm qualified, but I'm just not sure about what to wear...I'm wearing a cute linen skirt and a shirt for the bookstore - but I've tried on a ton of things for Product. I either don't feel comfortable in it, or it's too simple, or it's too hot (it's going to be 95 tomorrow), or something.

So now I'm all nervous and all shaky. I want Boy to make it all better, but 1.) he can't and 2.) he's sick. He's been without his acid medicine and his stomach is really bothering him - it might be an ulcer. He's been throwing up blood today. I wish I could make everything all better for him.

Ugh. I can't seem to feel better about the interview tomorrow. So nervous and anxious. One thing that makes me nervous is that it's a drop in interview. I saw an ad on the Bridgeport website, and was in contact with the person from the ad (who was a different person than the manager - she was on vacation). So, long story short, I called the manager today and she said that she was holding open interviews tomorrow between 11:00AM and 6:00PM. I'm going to head over about 1:00 or 2:00. But it makes me nervous that it's not a set time for me.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so not okay.

I'm stressed out today...but here's a picture.

I cried in front of Boy again.

Gosh - I need to stop doing that. I really, really, REALLY need to find a way to stop stressing about everything. About housing, about school, about money, about Boy, about me, etc.

Mom started giving up sugar (and carbs), so I started to give up sugar today.

B: two lean pocket breakfast things
L: pb+j on wheat + banana
S: 2 chocolate nips
D: homemade hamburger, potato salad, and baked beans
D: small serving of strawberries and ice cream
S: MORE potato salad (post cry....)

So, not too bad. Considering I also went to the movies. Tomorrow I'm going over to Boy's. I'll have eggs or something for breakfast, and then when we get lunch, I'll try to get something thats not too unhealthy. We may just get a pizza.

This is horrible - I don't feel like this is going to work. I guess I just don't have any confidence in myself. I haven't worked out lately because of my teeth, and then my back absolutely killed me today. I'll try to do something in the morning.

I really need to calm down.

edited post.

edit. :)

Surgery went well.

Once they put the IV in my arm I barely noticed anything. I work up to them rubbing my arm and saying that I did a good job - I didn't even notice that I was out. I had a milkshake (they want something in your stomach so you don't throw up), took my meds, and went to bed. I would sleep for two hours, wake up for two hours, take more meds, and repeat the process. The part I didn't get was that I kept bleeding. I had to have gauze in my mouth all the time. Mom said that it was normal - it happened with Amy. Oh well. Today, no more bleeding. I slept all night with no meds, and I haven't taken any today. I'm fine with that. I might take a nap, though.

I'm a bit worried about tomorrow. I'm going to go to the YMCA and beg for my job back...and I guess I'm just nervous about it. Eh. Too tired to think. Later.

My mouth tastes funny.

It's the prescription mouthwash that the oral surgeon wants me to use before Tuesday - when I get my wisdom teeth out. I was really kind of nervous about the pain after, not the surgery itself. She said that it never really hurt - it was just being in bed for 2-3 days that was killer. You're out cold with the Vicodin.

So, an update of the activity thing. I haven't exercised everyday - I haven't even kept track, but I AM making more of an effort. I've washed my car, went swimming (well, not really a workout), walked Chance, and done workouts. I truly tried to go to the hip hop class, but on Tuesday I didn't have my car. We had taken it in on Monday, and I didn't get it until 7:00pm on Tuesday - and I can't drive any of our other cars. And then on Thursday, I was sick. I was doing Safety Town and I think that being around the kids made my immune system go weak. I wasn't OUT sick, but enough to warrant a few days of DayQuil.

And the apartment update - it might actually happen. I can't even begin to hope...I talked to my parents with a full plan and they didn't totally turn me down! It was dad's idea to go and view it - so I think we will. It's right by the YMCA - I could beg for my child watch job back. (I worked there last year, but I had too many other things going on and I just couldn't do it). So then I can walk to work - there's even transit from Sherwood to Newberg - I just have to figure out how that bus system works. I want to give Jessie (the girl I'm renting with) a for sure answer as soon as I can, but dad will be in Colorado for 10 days. I'll give her an e-mail and tell her so.

Oops....our power is flickering. There's a summer storm outside. I suppose I'll be back later!
Next time I update I need to remember to talk about the Boy and my mom (and how supportive she's been lately!)

Dream Room.

Curtains to decorate the focus wall
Closet Storage
Wall Mirror
Floor Lamp

Desk

Bedding



Bedside Table
Bed Frame
And Bed Base

Angst.

So, today wasn't a bad day. Day camp went fairly well; the firefighters visited today and they LOVED climbing up and down in the ambulance and the firetruck. But at the end of the day, they were sooo rowdy, we couldn't play any more games, and I had to read them a story. But they were rolling around and being obnoxious. Anyway.

Then I got home, relaxed a bit. Then mom and dad came home, each coming in yelling about whatever it was that Amy and I didn't do while they were gone. Which is a GREAT greeting, by the way. Things were going fine - until I got a phone call from Jessie, the girl that I'm hopefully renting a condo with in the fall. She and Kasey (the other roommate) were going to go visit tonight and officially apply, so they needed my contact info, character reference, employment contact, etc. I told her that I was only about 70% sure that I could do this, because I still needed to discuss it with my parents, but I was going to do my hardest to make it work. So, they went. I haven't heard from her yet.

Later, dad and Amy left for softball practice and I was able to tell her that we really needed to talk about the apartment situation, because it was getting to be crunch time. She told me, again, that her and dad both didn't like the idea that it was in Sherwood and not in Newberg. That's ridiculous - you know that they are only minutes apart. Jessie timed it; the condo is 7 minutes from campus. I honestly don't know what they're problem is. Maybe they're worried that I'll be driving in the dark (which is nothing new)...or that weather will keep me from school (which it won't, but the professors are very good to commuters if there is bad weather). In all honesty, they just probably don't want me out of their grasp at all.

I am getting soooo tired of fighting it. For every answer I come up with, they find another reason why something won't work. I am beyond frustrated...I HATE that they have so much control over my life (not that they should, but that they just push and push). Baby...I'm so exhausted with all of this. This battle has been going on for years, just in different forms. What school I was going to, whether or not I could have a car on campus (and I didn't for the first two years)...just absolutely everything. I'm so tired of fighting - it just makes me want to cry and give up.

Anyway - after mom and I had that little conversation, we went to pick up my car (damage was only $83!). On the way back I just started eating. It was totally emotional...I felt so out of control with the parent situation...I guess sometimes I feel like I have control if I eat. Regardless, I ended up hating myself and being very depressed.

I'm just waiting to hear back from Jessie - more about the condo. Where exactly it is, what things are included - I hate the fact that every time I want to do something I have to write up a fucking business plan in order to be heard. I try so hard....I am calm and collected and I have all the information that I can...and they just become irrational and make up excuses. And I wouldn't care, except that I'm not on my own. I can't make all of these decisions by myself because I don't have the money to back it up. It just makes me feel hopeless and so young. I KNOW I can start making adult decisions. I just wish I had the chance. I wish I had this to look forward to...move in would be August 1st (which they're going to oppose to as well, because I don't start school until like, the 20th). I need something to look forward to. Things seem so dull.

I tried so hard not to...

but I ended up watching an episode of MTV's Made. It was about a girl who wanted to become a dancer on her schools drill team. So, they got her a trainer and a dance coach and made her over and it was cute. But it made me feel incredibly bad about myself. Fat, gross, inactive, etc. So, I kind of half heartily made a deal with myself to do something active every day. I started by putting in a dance video, and it was nice and easy (because I was doing it in my bedroom) but then got tired of bouncing around in my room, so then I put in another one, but the same thing. Maybe I'll take Chance for a walk a little later, just to make it a full day. I'll either go to the gym or put in a video or something.

I also decided that I really want to take hip hop again. DJ's dance class in Newberg started last week, and I could still go, but its only once a week. The gym that I belong to does a hip hop class on Tuesday and Thursday nights, but it's in Beaverton. So...its a bit far away. But when I did go, I LOVED it. So, I really am going to try to go, no matter what.

Boy is in Bend and I haven't talked to him all day. I really miss him.

No cavities.

Yay - I went to the dentist today and it was cool; no cavities. Now I just wish I wasn't getting my wisdom teeth pulled in two weeks.

After the dentist I went to visit mom at work and she took me to lunch. We had a good conversation about the Boy; she was surprisingly supportive. Earlier today Nick and I had a pretty serious talk about stuff (not bad). I'm pretty proud of us for handling things as adults. This is my first relationship so I have to deal with that, and there's always an adjustment to each other...I think we're doing pretty well. Ha - last night we went and got ice cream and I totally broke down and cried. I think my BC is messing with my emotions but I was just so tired and stressed and it kind of felt good to cry....poor Nick tried to help so much. I just suck at sharing emotions. I guess it just takes time.

Came home, took a shower, did my nails, started some laundry and the dishwasher then got some makeup on. I'm leaving in a little bit to go visit Kendra. We're going to take her little puppy for a walk. :) I'm excited.

I guess thats about it...

Mini Breakdown.

Yesterday was very hard. I put in my two weeks notice, came back and found out that the place I was hoping to live next year isn't an option anymore, and then got yelled at by my father for quitting (it was irresponsible, etc). I couldn't stop crying, then talked to Boy, which helped in that tough-love kind of way.

So, I slept terribly and woke up with outrageously puffy eyes. Popped in some laundry, got ready, and met Boy for lunch. It was wonderful seeing him.

Then I got home and the whole family was relaxing - and thats fantastic. But my anxiety got the better of me. I just started worrying....worrying about the job. Worrying about money. Worrying about where I'm going to live next year, worrying about absolutely everything.

I did what I did, and part of being an adult is dealing with that. So, I'll keep going. I suppose this is part of being an adult. Its weird - it seems like it hits all at once. It kind of sucks, but on the other hand, I'm really excited to get to the perks of being an adult. Being on my own, having my own space, defining my own happiness. On the other hand, all of those are the downsides as well.

I'm not looking forward to going into work tomorrow. I'm closing with my manager, and I know that she'll ask a lot of questions. Obviously. I'm just horrible with confrontation and I'm not very self confidant in that sort of thing...I guess I'll figure it out. I just don't want to worry about it.