Angst.

So, today wasn't a bad day. Day camp went fairly well; the firefighters visited today and they LOVED climbing up and down in the ambulance and the firetruck. But at the end of the day, they were sooo rowdy, we couldn't play any more games, and I had to read them a story. But they were rolling around and being obnoxious. Anyway.

Then I got home, relaxed a bit. Then mom and dad came home, each coming in yelling about whatever it was that Amy and I didn't do while they were gone. Which is a GREAT greeting, by the way. Things were going fine - until I got a phone call from Jessie, the girl that I'm hopefully renting a condo with in the fall. She and Kasey (the other roommate) were going to go visit tonight and officially apply, so they needed my contact info, character reference, employment contact, etc. I told her that I was only about 70% sure that I could do this, because I still needed to discuss it with my parents, but I was going to do my hardest to make it work. So, they went. I haven't heard from her yet.

Later, dad and Amy left for softball practice and I was able to tell her that we really needed to talk about the apartment situation, because it was getting to be crunch time. She told me, again, that her and dad both didn't like the idea that it was in Sherwood and not in Newberg. That's ridiculous - you know that they are only minutes apart. Jessie timed it; the condo is 7 minutes from campus. I honestly don't know what they're problem is. Maybe they're worried that I'll be driving in the dark (which is nothing new)...or that weather will keep me from school (which it won't, but the professors are very good to commuters if there is bad weather). In all honesty, they just probably don't want me out of their grasp at all.

I am getting soooo tired of fighting it. For every answer I come up with, they find another reason why something won't work. I am beyond frustrated...I HATE that they have so much control over my life (not that they should, but that they just push and push). Baby...I'm so exhausted with all of this. This battle has been going on for years, just in different forms. What school I was going to, whether or not I could have a car on campus (and I didn't for the first two years)...just absolutely everything. I'm so tired of fighting - it just makes me want to cry and give up.

Anyway - after mom and I had that little conversation, we went to pick up my car (damage was only $83!). On the way back I just started eating. It was totally emotional...I felt so out of control with the parent situation...I guess sometimes I feel like I have control if I eat. Regardless, I ended up hating myself and being very depressed.

I'm just waiting to hear back from Jessie - more about the condo. Where exactly it is, what things are included - I hate the fact that every time I want to do something I have to write up a fucking business plan in order to be heard. I try so hard....I am calm and collected and I have all the information that I can...and they just become irrational and make up excuses. And I wouldn't care, except that I'm not on my own. I can't make all of these decisions by myself because I don't have the money to back it up. It just makes me feel hopeless and so young. I KNOW I can start making adult decisions. I just wish I had the chance. I wish I had this to look forward to...move in would be August 1st (which they're going to oppose to as well, because I don't start school until like, the 20th). I need something to look forward to. Things seem so dull.