I really want to go home.

I feel overwhelming. Like I'm too much for everyone. I'm too forward, too nice, too big, too overwhelming, too confusing...I don't like this. My biggest fantasy is simply being held by a man who is larger than me; I want to feel containable. I guess this is where I get my control issues from. I feel out of control; like I need to be contained (in a negative way). This is a very lonely and frustrating place to be.

I don't necessarily want to CHANGE who I am...I just want to feel better about this. But I don't know how.

I feel anxious today. My mouth is tingly...like it wants to work. It's such an odd feeling.

I cannot WAIT for spring break.

Oh my word. I just need to get out. To rest.

Today is one of those days where I'm just down. I'm not sure why. I'm sure it has something to do with the boy from last night, and my mom's simple response this morning. I had cookies and pizza for lunch. It wasn't even good...but I wated it. I didn't want to care about calories. I also had a ton of candy yesterday. Ugh.

I'm tired. I don't understand why people aren't attracted to me. Maybe I don't have to understand. I *know* that I'm worth it. That I'm lovable and even pretty. But the only experience I've had is with a horny man who would do anything...nothing even remotely romantic. I wish I had that now; I just want to be touched. Somehow I think that being held will make my problems seem easier to handle.

Whatever.

I'm amazing.

There was a boy over tonight, and I kind of like him. We were joking around, and I got hints of who he liked. It didn't look favorable for me, and so I got depressed.

Long story short...I was able to pull myself out of it. I could feel myself deciding that this wasn't worth ruining my night. I still decided to eat...but I DECIDED to. It just took someone to point out the possibilities.

Yay me. :)


I still don't want to believe that he COULD be talking about me...but either way. I'm good.

So I registered for next years classes

Fall:
personality theory
art history
christian eliefs
statistics
chem/lab
drug and alcohol addiction

Spring:
systems of psychology
smerican women of faith
sociology of sexuality
abnormal psychology
x cult. exp. Ireland/Scotland

I still may have some tweaks to work out, but this is what it is so far. I will need to sign up for research methods for the spring, but its not letting me because I haven't taken stats (which I'm taking in the fall).

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday morning to get a new prescription (its taking FOREVER) and then a chiropractor appointment that afternoon. My back hurts...I'm in such pain! I'm trying to stretch it and move it and I'm even taking ibuprofin (partly for cramps and partly for my back). We'll see. I may even ice it tonight.

I'm super excited for spring break. I can't WAIT to have a week off and play with my fun new artsy stuff and read a novel and get a pedicure and just hang out. Mom, grandma and I will be going to the beach for a night; that should be fun. I think dad is taking me to Saturday market, or some other fun places in Portland. I'll be "dogsitting," so I'll be getting some money from that. I'm super excited. I'll also be searching for jobs, and that will be good; it'll give me more peace of mind that I have a plan for the summer. I hope everything goes well. I'm also going to try and approach my parents about my car, re more intependence. I'll need to be very careful with my words and such...and not ask for too much, blah blah blah.

Oh...I turn 20 in two months. Isn't that just...weird? It feels old and young at the same time. Yay. :)

I feel like I should...

make a plan. Like, work out every morning this week. I'm convinced that my eating hasn't been that great, and that working out would be easier than eating "right." I don't know. Maybe I will I tend to have to do things every day (its that all or nothing thing)...I don't keep a long-range plan in mind. Anyway...I will write more later.

Guess who's going to start her period today!

That would be me. I've got the backaches and the cramps. It's weird...I knew that I was going to get it around the 18th...and the week before I'm usually super emotional. I made it through the week almost unscathed. Yes, I had my nights, but I'm amazed that the intensity wasn't as bad as before. Craziness.

So. Another day of studying. Then a week of classes...then spring break! My spring break won't be *THAT* great. I'm just going home (which will be interesting). I'm going to the beach for a night with my grandma and mom...and I'm dog-sitting (which means cash for Jill). I'm going to apply for jobs...

I'm also going to get a pedicure, read a novel...yay. :) I actually read half of a novel yesterday. It felt sooooooooo good.

I don't have much else to post. I'd like to weigh..but I don't want to. I'm giving myself 6 more weeks to lose 10 pounds. I don't think I've done "good" enough to warrant a little loss. Maybe after my period...maybe in a week.

Friday

Breakfast: serving of fries, serving of Pringles
Good stuff was in the house from last nights binge....I was/am frustrated about the "extra roommate" that we picked up this weekend, and the fact that she's been in the bathroom for an hour and I have to pee. I'm also thinking about yesterday...trying to keep it in focus and trying to forget about it at the same time.

I'm going to...

keep a log of what I eat (which I already do) and ALSO how I'm feeling. I've always skipped this part, thinking that it wouldn't be relevant...that I already knew what I was feeling, etc. I'm not sure why I need to write this down..but I am. Accountability, I guess. :)

Bah.

I have to go take an exam, but when I'm done, I want to write about my living situation for next year. I so don't want to live on campus. But I don't want to live at home, either. So the next option is living in an apartment off campus. There are two problems with that.

1.) Money.
2.) Campus Policy

Unless I can be sneaky with the lease and have my parents own the lease, I can't move off campus. And I don't know if I'll necessarily have my parents approval. It seems like another fight. Why make waves? Why try something else if you could just live on campus? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ON CAMPUS. I don't want to live with people. I want to live on my own. I can get a job, and I can pay rent. My parents will be opposed to that, because I need to be studying, not working. But I'm unhappy on campus. I want to be near campus...and NOT at home. Too controlling. I simply don't know what to do.

It's silly and juvenile, I know.

I just ate a handful of peanut M&M's. They've been sitting in front of me for two hours.

I want spring clothes. I e-mailed mom ideas...but apparently she won't buy anything for me ...she just avoided it (money is a weird subject with us).

It made me feel bad, rejected, like I can't be the other kids. I'm the outsider. I thought the M&M's would help. They didn't.

So. I'm angry and hurt. I want new clothes to feel better and look better. To be like the other rich kids on campus. But...I guess not now.

I did..

I worked out for 20 minutes. I had diet pepsi at the coffee place.

Then I came home and had smart pop kettle corn and a can of tuna with black beans, mustard, and three slices of low carb bread.


Hmm. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought...

I had therapy today.

And we talked about weight loss for most of it. I was just really discouraged. I know that I want to lose weight, but my actions aren't following. I can see progress in individual circumstances, but not in the actual weight loss. That's where I need the progress. I also feel stuck, though. I know that a diet isn't the answer, it's sticking to the diet or lifestyle or whatever. It's not as easy as that, though. Anyone knows that. Anyway.

We talked about goals. I told her that it would be cool to lose 10 pounds by the end of April (when the school year is over), and another 5 in that month by my birthday. Wouldn't that be neat? It's also reasonable. My Diet Analysis Software says that I can definately do that by eating 2200 calories a day. Cool.

So then I go and have dinner. I come back and tally up my day, and I've had 2400 calories. I knew I had to write about it...to keep things in perspective. That's only 200 over my target, right? I can't copy/paste it into here, but I did have my fruit, and my vegetables, and my lean meats. I was going to go get coffee later...

Everyone's gone from the apartment. I could do a workout video. I could go for a walk (it's absolutely gorgeous outside). Hmm. I'll got for a walk for 30 minutes. Then maybe I can get some coffee later...this would be a good night to practice the things my therapist wants me to do. She thinks I should make a plan, three steps, to do when I want to eat but know that I don't need to eat. I can do that right now. Hmm.

First: Distance myself; go outside for a minute, sit in the living room, etc.
Second: Write about it. It can be angry, sad, lonely, whatever.
Third: 15 girlie pushups. I need to do something physical, but I won't always be able to workout.

That sounds good. I'll make that into a little card later tonight. I'm going to go for a walk...and then I'll make the card, and then I'll go to the coffeeshop, and hopefully study some. This is a good thing. :)

What the hell is this?

It's about 4:00. I've been looking forward to eating dinner for hours. I'm sitting at work, hating any obstruction between me and my food (even the tent set-up). I want to snack so badly, and I've already had some peanut M&M's. I'm not entirely sure what this is...or how to overcome it.

I suppose I have a choice. I could give in and snack more. I could wait for my meal, whenever it comes. Okay. Dinner in 10 minutes, at 4:30. I WILL have a reasonable meal. I swear to myself that I will treat myself well at dinner.

FOURTH, people!

That's the number in line my group is to sign up for Junior's Abroad (remember how much I want to go on the Ireland/Scotland trip?!?!). There was a short scare; someone thought we were 31ST IN LINE! But we're fourth. So...we're pretty much guaranteed the trip we want. :)

I did end up journaling the other day. Good for me. :) My eating was good...until I had two Top Ramen packages late at night. My calorie average for the last 3 days has been about 3000 calories. Not good. I need about 1900 or 2000. I e-mailed my mom - I would like my car so that I could drive to Bally's to take fitness classes. I think that would be lovely. But I'm not going to count on it.

I guess just keep trying...

I really wish

that I didn't have such an aversion to journaling. I want to...I feel a need to. But I simply put too much pressure on myself and end up avoiding it. It's like journaling isn't worth my time. But it IS...it's the same with scrapbooking. I always want to do it perfectly. I know that I can create things that I love...that mean something to me. And that is good enough.

:)

After dinner tonight, I WILL journal. It doesn't have to be long...it doesn't have to be intense or deep. But I think I'll enjoy it. :)

Clicky. Clicky.

The Day After.

This is after my crying spell last night. The puffiness in my eyes has gone down considerably, abd makeup helps. But I just can't get over how overweight I am.

Enough of that. Look at the blue in my eyes. Look at the swell of my lips...the freckle under my eyes. I look vulnerable, passionate, and deep. I look worthy.

I think that's the nicest thing I've written about myself in a long time. Here are some more pictures; I got inspired by a scrapbooking book that mom sent me ( in the next post).

I'm a little sad.

Just looking around at pictures on Facebook where everyone looks so happy...

Tonight's a night when I just want to cuddle with someone. I felt fine, but I went to coffee with sme friends and I just felt...single. Now I just want someone to cuddle with. To put their arms around me. I'm normally fine being single (recently, anyway). But I just...ugh. I have no way to combat this. Isn't this when I'm supposed to pamper myself? Yeah, fine. Okay. But it won't feel like someone's holding me. That's what I want.

I'll get through this. I always do. I just always wonder why I don't have this...what is so wrong with me that I don't deserve it? I was reading in one of my women's studies books that women look to men to save them, legitimize them, direct them. And, yeah. I feel that way. It also feels foreign to NOT look to men for that. I've looked to men for those things, and they've failed me. I always took that to mean that it was my fault. Logically I know that it can't be ALL my fault. But I also can't place blame on the men - the one's that are supposed to guide me.

Whatever.

I like the scale at home.

It says I've lost almost 3 pounds since Wednesday. :p I'll have to weigh in on Wednesday, like usual, to see what I've really lost. My goal is to get a few walks in this week. Lets see...

Monday: 2:00 walk
Tuesday: 10:40 walk
Wednesday: 10:30 walk
Thursday: no walk
Friday: 2:00 walk

On Saturday I'll me walking around with mom all day at the scrapbook convention.

I'm tired. More tomorrow. Things to write about:
~Junior's Abroad
~Winterhawks hockey game
~Um. Anything else?

:)

Sooooo

Today's diet was a dud. Pizza for lunch...more pizza after dinner (roommate gave it away!). I put in 3 days of this weeks diet into a nutritional analysis thing for a Nutrition requirement. The thing says I need 2900 calories a day. In three days, I had a defecit of almost 800 calories. I should be cutting back a few more hundred a day. I want to start walking daily...I want to get in the mindset of enjoying it and doing it because it's good for me...not because I'm on a diet or want to lose weight. I wonder how I do that?

In other news, I think I'm going to start a Bible study for women. I want to talk about the struggles we have with Christianity and patriarchy and how we find and discover God. I hope everything works out!

So.

No pictures today, but I did stay within my points. I'm very proud of myself. :) Now, time to plan out tomorrow...

I said I'd be back, didn't I?

If I didn't, too bad. I was on the phone with mom and had a little mental freak-out about money. As in, the fact that I don't have any. It'll be easier when I get home for the summer and can work. I think that when (*if*) my parents let me have my car after spring break, I'll look for a job. I'll hopefully start working a week or so after spring break. Mom and dad wouldn't agree, but it would help me out, I think. We'll see how it goes. I have to remember that I don't have any bills...I'm golden.

Hmm. This weekend, I want to create. I'm not sure what. I wasn't sure I wanted to go home, but I think I do...I don't think I can freely create with Em in the apartment bugging me. Maybe I'll go home and make my room into a little sanctuary. That would be wonderful...candles...Jack Johnson....ohhh...so healing. :)

Good morning, friends

Morning. :)

It's a slow morning...but a busy day! I have Counseling class, and we're going to get into small groups and practice some counseling techniques. We always do that on Thurdays. It's always uncomfortable. I'm often uncomfortable or unsure in front of people...it isn't a great feeling.

I've been looking at some scrapbooking blogs lately, and it's making my inspired, but also intimidated. My goal today is to take some random pictures. All the recent pictures I have are of my face. :p I can't make a scrapbook out of that, can I? Hmmm....quite possibly.

I'm not going to straighen my hair today. Just thought you should know. I will, however, be making coffee, I think.