My eyes are watery today.

Whatever.

I just got back from my women's group. It was really nice. It's good to know that there are other women out there that feel the same way that I do. And they don't have answers, either. Just, along the way you unconsciously make decisions about what you believe. It's frustrating in the day to day life, but when I think about where I've come from in the past year, I am truly amazed.

What else is going on? Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Mom just stopped by and brought cupcakes and goodies for us. She pulled me aside and talked to me and....ugh. I'm just so sad that I can't get what I need emotionally from her. I want that so bad. Especially with Valentines Day....

You know what? No. It would be very easy to sink into this depression piece. I have reasons to hurt. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not. I'm going to do something positive tonight that will affirm me.

I've had some chocolate, and it was good. I'm watching a good TV show, that's good, too.

I'd love to talk to Aaron. Wouldn't that be nice? He would be so nice to me and so loving and it would just make me feel worse because I don't have that here. I guess I don't have to worry about that...he won't be home from work for two and a half more hours.

I don't know.

Repeat after me: acceptance is a mental attitude or conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

Unconditonal kindness and gentleness. I am WORTH that, damnit. And I'm worth giving it to myself.

Acceptance.

My therapist asked me to define "acceptance," which is something that I've been struggling with. I integrated some other formal definitions to create my own.
Acceptance: A mental attitude of conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

We talked about a few things.
*I mentioned myself and others...and I put myself first
*I used the word "unconditional"

In our discussions, I realized that acceptance recognizes worth but doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be okay with it. For example, if someone hurts me (mom), I recognize that they have worth, and treat them as such, but I don't need them in my life and I don't need to be okay with the hurt.

I also thought about something else today. Maybe I don't have to "feel" pretty to accept myself.

Hmm. Food for thought.

Speaking of food...dinner time.

Patience.

So many things are running through my mind.
My weight. (Duh.)
Paper/presentation due on Tuesday.
Lack of money.
How much fast food I've eaten lately.
My plans this weekend (birthday dinner with Megan and Em, Church and Jeff Dunham).
Patience (with the God thing).
Acceptance (therapist wants me to define it in words and pictures.
Amber's BIL calling (long story).

Well, I guess it's not that long of a story. A co-worker wants to set me up with her brother-in-law, who is 21. I gave her my number to call me so that we could all go out to dinner or something, if he is interested. I gave my number on Sunday and we just ended Thursday. I know that I need to calm down, but seriously. I just get so anxious. (This is nothing new, people).

I talked to my therapist about it. He helped me realize a few things. First, I feel like I can't have a crush or anything resembling a crush. I automatically believe that no one will EVER EVER EVER like me. Anyway. I need to learn that all emotions are okay to feel AND to express.

Wow. I can't formulate any sentences right now. Later. :)

I want to go to bed so bad.

But, I promised myself I would write a bit.

I started my period today. (Is that TMI? Deal with it.). So I've been pretty sensitive and horribel to myself. I've eaten a lot of fast food in the past week and I can feel that I've gained a few pounds. I'm trying sooooo f-ing hard to not completely destroy myself. I need to realize that I'm fat, it's not a secret, and fat in itself is not something to be ashamed about. I'm fat because I eat. I eat because I'm trying to fill and void and didn't know any other way. There's nothing BAD in that. And there's also nothing BAD in trying to change that now, when I know better.

Anyway. I worked tonight. I will work the next four nights (keep in mind that my work is almost 20 miles from my school, and I have to drive it each day that I work). I love my job (Lane Bryant) and need the hours (don't even get my started on my credit), and enjoy the drive (I don't, however, enjoy paying for gas).

Now I'm feeling the need to defend my credit. Maybe not for you, but for me. And I know I'm okay. So no worries.

Off to bed. Finally. :)

I'm scared

of failing Statistics. Or not passing with a C....which is required for my major. I don't believe I can do it.

I don't want to get stressed out and anxious...like I am...

why can't I' orrganize my thoughts?

What am I going to do with myself?

B: three donut holes
L: 2 cups chicken broccoli pasts
S: Lean Cuisine Pizza
D: 1/2 plate nachos, 1 cup veggie stir fry, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes
S: PB+J and apple cider


I guess thats not as bad as I THOUGHT....

Woohoo?

So, today I was rocky. I gave a presentation on binge eating that sucked. I wanted to start dieting. I thought about that for a bit.

After work I spent $10 on fast food...but I didn't eat it all. About half of it. I threw the rest away. Yay?

woo-hoo.

I decided to go to the gym tonight, because I felt like it. It felt so good. :)

I did 20 minutes elliptical and 20 minutes of random upper body weights. I did back work, because my back is all messed up again.

I e-mailed mom at work last night, with part of my previous post. I went all day without hearing from her, only to find out that today was a holiday and she didn't have work. So I'll see what she says tomorrow.

Also, I have to pick up my SS card from home - I got that job at the YMCA. Woohoo. :) I meet with my new boss on Wednesday afternoon.

I'm not sure what to think.

I am so tired and want to lose weight so badly. I've seen pictures of myself from a year or more ago and I just wish I looked like I did then. I am filled with so much self hate. I feel like I can't lose weight. I feel like I never succeed. It's so hard and I have too many issues. I feel like I'm using excuses...no. I feel like other people think they're excuses. But they're so REAL.

I wonder where my drive went. I always felt hopeless, but I kept on trying. I don't know why this time is different.

It's so weird that I haven't been interested in boys. I mean, I want security. I want physical cuddling. But there are no boys I'm interesed in. Maybe I've just given up. That feels so sad...to not have hope in finding a love.

Eh.

I like my horoscope this week.

Oh dear.

I don't feel like I can handle anything. I feel so emotional....I cried last night with Aaron, again. He's always so wonderful with me.

I really do feel stuck. But I either don't think I can change or change is way too scary. I think both are happening. Today I'm going to do my "homework" for therapy. I have to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for. Then I have to think about how they relate to me (how I make them good). That part will be tricky.

I'm also supposed to do some sort of exercise. I have time today but I don't want to. But I should.

I feel so horrible.

I'm ready to give up.

The past week or so has been so emotional. Weird sleeping habits, horrible mood swings, incessant crying. I started therapy again, and I've had two sessions. I was emotionally drained in both of them. I think this is going to be a good thing overall, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to carry through. There is so much going on. I feel upset at my parents for not giving me what I need. I feel guilty for thinking that because they'll insist until they're blue in the face that they're great parents. I'm the one that has misinterpreted everything. I suppose its true that they do all these things for my best interest, and thats hard to accept. How can I be upset with them when I *know* its only for my well-being?

All I know is that I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yearning for a simple hug. I'm tired of mom calling, when she knows I'm upset, and is worried more about school than my well-being. Where was the "i love you?" Where was the "do you need anything?" I shouldn't expect it anymore. I don't know if I expect it...I just know that I notice it when it doesn't come. I don't know how to hold anything together.

Aaron has been my glue. And we haven't had a lot of time lately and it SUCKS. I miss him. I miss my support. It feels like the only real support that I've ever had. Do you know how lonely that is? It's horrible. I tried to take melatonin yesterday (HORRIBLE day. I don't even want to talk about it) to try to get some sleep. I ended up having one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in awhile. It really, really sucked.

I want Aaron to be here. To really hold me. Would I feel better? If I had that unconditional support just once, I wonder what would happen.

I'm so scared.

I can't stand myself right now. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. I want to cry and scream and hide at the same time.

Anxiousness.

Why, why, why?

Alright. I dyed my hair brown this morning. All I could think of was how fat I am. Later I called Aaron. We were all lovey and I got teary. Then we were intimate. Now I'm all confused. Tonight is my women's group. Then the labyrinth. Why does it make me anxious? I don't feel like walking around in front of people being all "spiritual" for everyone to see. I suppose it could be a good experience. I just am scared. I'll go because I have to. But maybe I'll just sit and write and think. I don't know.

I saw a "Fat Rant" video. It was a plus size woman talking about how we should accept fat, etc. The whole time I was thinking, "great. You're a size 16. I'd KILL to be a size 16." I know that part of it is the way I eat.

I just want to be better. I know that therapy will help. It'll be a lot of work. I just hope I can do it.

:(

I don't want to go, I don't want to go! Ack. There's no one here to calm me down....

and I hate that I need someone to calm me down.

Countdown - T minus 40 minutes.

Ack. I meet with the therapist in 40 minutes. It's starting to freak me out. I'm trying to think about all of the things I want to say. I want to spill all of it out and say "help me." But I also don't think I should - I guess I should learn to trust him.

I called mom this morning. Disappointing. I've asked her to go to the mall a few times and she keeps saying no. I mean...I know that she can say no. And a mall isn't exactly something that she loves going to. But it feels like she's saying no to me. In the end, I know it works out for the best. I wouldn't have a good time at the mall with her - I rarely do.

I think a lot of my problem is that mom didn't teach me how to deal with emotions effectively. She taught me to eat. I guess I taught myself to shop. It sucks. Its sucks because even if I get over this eating and shopping thing, I can't depend on her for healthy problem solving conversation. If I have a problem, I don't go to her. I want to, but I never get what I need. I guess I understand that she did the best that she could. And I guess I can't hold it against her. I know that life isn't fair. It just left me with SO much pain.

I hope this goes well...

Bloatedness.

I've had a lot of food this weekend. Today I had two packages of Top Ramen (and I may even have another, for lack of something else to eat. I'm feeling a little bad about my body. Okay, I do feel bad, but I don't want to dwell on it.

I'm also anxious about my therapy tomorrow. I guess its because I don't know whats going to happen. I'm going to have to reveal a lot of things. That's scary.

I really want to talk to Aaron. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm coloring a picture.

I keep finding myself wanting to call my mom. But I keep stopping myself. She doesn't seem interested in my life. She didn't teach me how to deal with my feelings. Eh.

I guess this is enough for now.

Oh. I just noticed that my antidepressants label says that it may cause drowsiness.

Great.

Gah. I saw engagement photos for a friend from high school. I wouldn't want to marry him, but I did like him for awhile. They're so cute and so happy. I want that.

Today at work I felt like such a frump. Well, okay. I felt like a frump all day. I suppose I should get over it.

I'm getting really, really excited for my therapy appointment on Monday. I really hope change starts to happen.

So I need to post. A lot is going on.

I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow. I *think* I have plans with Megan to go shopping on Saturday. I don't know if those still hold. So I was thinking I'd go out tomorrow and get my eyebrows waxed, get coffee, and maybe shopping on my own. It sounds good to spend a day alone tomorrow.

I think Aaron and I are going to take a few days apart - like this weekend. This relationship thing is so hard on me emotionally. He's so sweet and wonderful, and instead of enjoying it, I just get caught up in all of these wounds. I end up crying a lot. It scares me to take a day or two apart...what happens if I need him? I know I need to start learning to do things on my own.

I also have a therapy appointment on Monday. I had an emotional few days and set up an appointment with the counselor that the doctor recommended.....a man. I set up an appointment, but then couldn't make it. I also don't know that I wanted to make it. I talked to a woman professor that I love to see what she recommended for me. I trust her more than the other doctor. She said that there was some good work to be done with a male therapist, but that doesn't mean that I have to do it. I may not be comfortable with it. There are two other women that I could see. So, I called and set up an appointment with the man therapist, and we'll see how that goes. I'm reserving the right to switch to a woman. Kris, my woman professor, commended me for starting up. What she said solidified my worry. I really don't know if I think I can do it.

There are so many things that I want to improve. I want to see things rationally, and not just black and white. I want to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll see things I won't like, but I know that'll happen. It just scares me. I'm so tired of being sad. I've recognized a lot of things....I have a really hard time getting close to people. I suppose I trust them as people...I'm just terrified to let my guard down. Because once I do, all my issues will just flow out.

I called mom this morning to see if she wanted to do something with me tomorrow. She said no....which is fine. It still kinda stung. I feel like I'm always disappointed with my relationship with her and dad. Yet I still try. I still hope.

I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is going to be a good day. Will I cry today? I can't just let things be. I really, really hope that I find a therapist soon that can help me. I hope that I'm ready for the work.

Sunday - 8.26

12:30 - eggs w/ cheese, potatoes w/ ketchup, two sausage links
1:30 - marionberry scone, 16 oz. iced chai