Tonight...

...is very, very difficult.

:(

Anxiety and worry...

...strikes again. I just need to chill out and relax...I worry that I'm not doing enough. I'll never lose weight. I should be working out. I should have more things under control, I should have a job, I should do this, I should do that...

And I was thinking earlier - I don't know if I can listen to people's problems for a living. I've been doing it quite a bit lately and I've been getting annoyed. But I guess that could just be situational.

I put some anxiety books on hold at the library - maybe one of them will say something that clicks.

Berry Lovely.

That's the name of the color I just painted my nails. It's nice. :p

I think my new BC is messing with me - I've been so emotional lately. Last night I started crying and I truly had no idea why.

I slept in this morning, and I made a banana bread, and only at half of it. :P I made some Hamburger Helper for the week, did some dishes...and totally avoided my homework.

Ugh - the more I think and write, the worse I feel. I should work out, I've been a pig, blah blah blah....

It's 7:13 in the morning.

And I've already worked out. :D Joining that exercise research thing was a great idea. They took all my information, and they plan out the workout. I do one routine for four weeks. Monday is chest and triceps, Wednesday is biceps and back, and Friday is legs, I think. And I was in and out in about a half hour.

I have a busy day. Now I'm going to shower and get ready, then I have an 8:40 class. Then I have to report into work, and I'll probably work until 1:00. Then lunch and a 1:40 class, a 2:40 class, after which I have to leave a bit early (and skip my other class) and go to a job interview in Sherwood. I'm totally qualified and I think I'd love it, but they just need to be a bit flexible with my schedule. I'm probably wasting my time.

Anyway, off to shower....and then COFFEE :D

Yesterday was chaotic.

5 classes. 4 hours of work. WW weigh-in.

Classes were good. Work was fine. Lost .4 at weigh in.

Then proceeded to eat more than I needed that night, being tired, anxious, and cranky. Woke up this morning (at 6:00) and had a lot of cereal. Two bowls...probably a cup total. I'm wearing new pants and they're tight. So...I feel weird today.

So hrmph.

I need to not take other people's problems on my shoulders. I've been doing that a lot recently.

I love my friends, family, and boyfriend. Very much. I'm a person that wants to help them. But me worrying unnecessarily about their problems does not help. All it does is enable them and drive me insane.

I've learned about myself and am motivated to change my problems. Others need to do the same.

More Goodies.

So my boss had me mark down all the Prestige makeup to $1 a piece. Um, hello! I got four brushes, two lip glosses, two single eye shadows, two eyeliners, an eyeshadow quad, and 5 shimmer shadow thing. For $16. Yay.

In other news, I haven't had any water today. I think I can get 32 oz. down tonight, but probably not all 64 for my goal. Well, that's alright. At least I can get half.

Hump Day.

So I just saw some pics of my crush from high school. Holy hotness, Batman.

Moving on.

This week has been good, so far. I've tracked, drank my water, and worked out. Granted, this was only Monday and Tuesday, but today is Wednesday and I'm well on my way to putting three new Tinkerbell stickers on my chart. :P I have no intention of stopping. The only hitch is that my boss is taking everyone out for lunch tomorrow. So...I'll try to make a good choice, but I also have like, 20 flex points that I can use. I'm not stressing too much.

Another bra broke. Now I have 2. I need to get to Lane Bryant ASAP. I got a gift card as a gift, and I hate using it for something that I need - I feel like it should be for something frivilous. But at this point, bras feel pretty damn important. :p I'm going to go this weekend, after I get paid. I also want to pick up some panties. TMI? :p

Speaking of picking up, I need to pick up my apartment a bit. And clean that freaking bathroom. What am I going to make for dinner? Hmm. I don't know. I have some Tuna Helper I could make. Or some of that pizza bake stuff I made. Dang that is good. Last night I had a baked potato with cheese and chili. It made me soooooo full. Almost painfully so.

Speaking of, most days, I'm satisfied with what I've eaten. But I still feel the urge to eat, out of emotions. I'm glad that I've recognized this (i've always know I'm an emotional eater)....but I want to keep it in my consciousness so that I don't eat when I don't at least think about it.

I'm at work but things are so slow. I've done a lot of work today, but 8 hours is a long time...suppose I should sign off for now.

So, I tracked today. :)

I'm happy about that. I came up 4 points shy of my allowance. :)

I also was productive today. I made some pizza bake (casserole thing), and I had enough ingredients left over to make a bit of spaghetti. Those are all packaged and in the fridge. I did some grocery shopping and got some more oatmeal, yogurt, and salad mix - so I'm good to go there.

I never did complete that 30-day workout challenge. I guess I kind of knew that I wouldn't. I've come up with a way to keep track of my goals - week by week.

For this week (starting tomorrow) my goals are:
*drink 64 oz. of water
*walk for 15 minutes
*track my food intake

And next Sunday I'll reassess and make new goals. :)

I can't.

I can’t hit my diet today because I didn’t get a chance to get to the store.
I can’t do my workout today because it is cold outside.
I can’t get up right now and do my stretching because my neck hurts.
I can’t stick to this diet because it just asks to much of me.
I can’t stick to my diet today because I just need to get the job done.
I can’t stick to my diet today because I am tired and stressed and just need a break.
I can’t do this because I just want to live my life.
I can’t go out because I am to fat for life.
I can’t not eat when I go out with friends, it’s rude.
I can’t tell my spouse that I wish they would stop tempting me with fast food they bring home.
I can’t say outloud that this is the 2nd 3rd 4th 5th year in a row that I made a diet resolution.
I can’t tell my family that I need their help this time.
I can’t tell my friends that this time I want it to be for real.
I can’t take off my shirt and not cringe.
I can’t get it out of my head how good my life would be if I could just do this.
I can’t figure out what it is I am doing wrong.


I can’t be the person that says "can’t" anymore.

—Leigh Peele

I said I was going to write later.

And it's later. But I don't think I'm going to write about my trip.

I seriously need to get back on track with Weight Watchers. I want to get back on track. I want to start working out again, and I want to start tracking and seeing lower numbers on the scale. And while I haven't gained, I haven't been doing near as much as I should. It's been a weird few weeks, with the holidays, and losing power, and being snowed in, and the trip to the beach. As of last Monday I was down .6. I'm sure I gained this week - I haven't drunk enough water, I didn't work out, I didn't track, and I ate out a few too many times. So. Tomorrow starts the first day back, and then Monday starts a whole new week. I will use tomorrow to grocery shop, cook, and plan out my return.

:)

Short update.

Dessert glasses. 4 for $7!


Yes - these are MAGNETS!


Amy and I in some weird tunnel at Ripley's.


Johnny Depp at Wax Works. He's so small.


Elephant, Amy, and I at Wax Works.

I will add more later, but I just wanted to post some cute pics. :)

It's almost 2009.

What do I have on tap for the new year?

*Finishing my last semester (including field experience)
*Graduating with my BA in Psychology
*Turning 22.

Things I'd like to accomplish:

*Don't give up on Weight Watchers
*Take over all my finances
*Begin paying off school debt; paying as much as I can
*Begin a significant savings account.

Last Monday I weighed in and was down .6. I'm down 11.4 total. I don't know how well this week will go. I haven't worked out, but I have been tracking. We're also going to be at the beach for 2 day. I'll make the best choices that I can.

I have all my textbooks for next semester, minus one (waiting for it to come in the mail). Ugh. So many books.

I'm at work for another hour and a half - then I'm leaving to go to Vancouver for our belated Christmas Eve. It'll be good to see everyone and celebrate when we couldn't last week.

I'm weighing in tonight.

First time in what...three weeks? I'm nervous.

I've been biting my nails a lot. They look horrible.
I'm back home - with a TV for Christmas.
I didn't get a lot of what I asked for, but I'm happy we can have a Christmas.
Still haven't had Christmas Eve - our power was out and we were snowed in.
Parents are being somewhat obnoxious.

And I'm freezing.

What a week.

I guess it's been more than a week. We are under so much snow....well, Newberg and Aurora aren't THAT bad, at least not as bad as Portland.

I missed my WW meeting last week because of the snow. I didn't go, because I didn't want to drive. But then I found out it was cancelled. I'm going on Monday, barring a huge storm (that is supposed to happen tonight). I doubt I've lost anything. Probably even gained.

I don't know what is wrong - my motivation is totally gone. I haven't tracked a lot; well, I've tracked everything today. And I'm drinking my water. I'll try to workout when I get home. I have three new (well, from Netflix and the library) workouts. I think I should make a goal 0f doing some activity every day for a month. I think that would really get me into the habit. Worst case scenatio, I go for a walk or just do 15 minutes. I'll make up some rules. Let's see.

At least 15 minutes.
It needs to be aerobic; I need to be at least slightly out of breath.
Doing two in one day won't count for more than one day.

There are going to be some setbacks; namely Christmas, and January 1-3 when my family and I are at the beach. I suppose our hotel will have gym accomodations. And on Christmas I can just got for a walk. I'll pack some workout DVDs that I can do in my room, that won't bother anyone.

I'm not giving up without a fight.

So...

I ended up losing .6 last week, which made me break even from the .6 I gained the week before. This week I've worked out twice - but I've also had two fast food meals.

I got a lot accomplished today. I got all of the ice out of my freezer; it took a hair dryer, a knife, a spatula, and about 40 minutes. I also did my dishes, took a shower, shaved my legs, did my grocery shopping, took out my trash and put away all the laundry that I had hung around the room to dry.

Tomorrow is mom's birthday. Em and I are going home (if it doesn't snow) to have grandma's chicken and dumplings. I won't be able to stay long, but it'll be nice to see everyone again. It's weird thinking that I won't be going home for the whole winter break. I'll be going home almost every weekend and spending the night, but I won't be there for the whole three weeks. That feels weird.

I'm also very excited to go to the beach for New Years! We won't be at the beach New Years Eve, but we'll drive up on the first and spend two nights. I think we're bringing Chance. It'll be fun. :)

Next week I'll be working a lot in the student bookstore, and studying for finals. I only have three, though, so I don't think it's that bad.

Ta ta for now!

I remember...

touching myself when I was younger. Not sexually. I would lay in bed and curl up in a fetal position, to feel my own body heat. I would rock back and forth and cry, whispering "it's going to be okay."

Sometimes I'd stroke my cheek. I bet no one else knows how round and smooth they feel. Once in awhile I would hug myself or touch my thighs; places no one had ever touched.

It felt incredibly wonderful, and incredibly pathetic.
I still don't know what to think about it.

I caught myself stroking my cheek tonight while I was driving. I was in a very sad, delicate mood.

Many things to think about.

I'm going to Weight Watchers tonight. Well, I guess I haven't officially made that decision. Yes, I have. If I don't go, I'll fuel that fire of apathy. So I'm going. Anyway - I'm worried, as usual. I am 100% sure that I gained weight this week. I didn't work out, I had Quiznos with Emily, and a fried dinner with Boy at the beach...and I'm sure there was more. It was just not a good week.

I was fully intending to get up this morning, go to step class, and get back on track. And that's what I did - kinda. I got up and went to step, but we didn't work out today. And I had no other free time. So I didn't work out. I can still work out through the remainder of the week, and I plan to. But but great jump start was foiled.

What's ironic is that 10 pounds seems to be my anxiety marker. It has been that way before. And I lost 10 pounds, and then gained .6. Which is fine...except that this week had resulted in probably a two pound gain. I even prepared for it, I thought. I thought about it, recognized it, and resolved to watch out for self-defeating behavior. And with workouts - I guess that was self defeating behavior. It wasn't crossing my mind at the time - I was feeling tired, apathetic, and I just couldn't drag myself to work out. I even tried, twice. Once at step (when we took an exam instead of working out) and once to hip hop (where I barely broke a sweat, got bored, and left). I was planning to just take this week off and jump back on.

Which is normal and okay, I think, except for the fact that now I'm terrified of seeing whatever number is on the scale. I'm terrified it's going to derail me even more. I toyed with the idea of going but not weighing in - but I feel anxious about it...like I have to face the music, for better or for worse. Then I briefly thought about not going, but thats not going to happen. I'll be late, but I have to go back and get my car. Usually I do this earlier in the day, but today I didn't have time.

So. I'm just kinda....hanging in there. There's also more. I found out (with no help from my advisors) that I need a CADC certification for addictions counseling, but not necessarily grad school (to begin with). So I took the GRE, but planned to skip grad school until later. Today I find out that I need 150 hours of relevant coursework, which is wonderful. Except for the fact that I don't have that many hours from Fox. I'll graduate with 150 hours total. So now I need to take classes elsewhere - which may have been grad school. So, I don't know. The whole situation is just too much. I'm still trying to get an internship for next semester, and I'm following some leads, but I'm feeling so discouraged about it.

About a lot of things.

I'm positive I gained weight this week.

It's just been a hard week. I'm prepared to gain two pounds. It's easy to say that now, that I will be prepared to work very hard this week. And I am. I have every intention and a plan of kicking butt next week. But how am I going to feel when I stand on that scale and the woman tells me that I've gained back two (or more) pounds. Am I going to get very depressed and start the eating cycle again?

I hope not. I have every intention of not. But I also feel a little hopeless right now.

So I have this professor.

And she's amazing. She's balanced. She's been a clinical therapist, is a parent, and now a college professor. She's very sensitive to others, but keeps her boundaries. Her love for her family just oozes out.

I want to be like her.

I also saw photos of her from when she went to Europe with her family this summer. Normally, in class, she'll wear slacks and nice tops, but in these pics, she wore jeans and fitted t-shirts. I got jealous....she's got a fabulous body. She works hard for it; I know she works out consistently and eats right. It just doubled my anxiety about this week.

Especially because Em and I had Quiznos tonight, and frosty's from Wendys. Tomorrow Nick is taking me out to dinner. I know I'm going to gain.

Why does that feel like the biggest deal ever? Part of it is mom mentioning it. She didn't mean it in a harmful way at all; just reminded me that if I gained this week, to not let the self hatred cycle start or continue.