What am I going to do with myself?

B: three donut holes
L: 2 cups chicken broccoli pasts
S: Lean Cuisine Pizza
D: 1/2 plate nachos, 1 cup veggie stir fry, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes
S: PB+J and apple cider


I guess thats not as bad as I THOUGHT....

Woohoo?

So, today I was rocky. I gave a presentation on binge eating that sucked. I wanted to start dieting. I thought about that for a bit.

After work I spent $10 on fast food...but I didn't eat it all. About half of it. I threw the rest away. Yay?

woo-hoo.

I decided to go to the gym tonight, because I felt like it. It felt so good. :)

I did 20 minutes elliptical and 20 minutes of random upper body weights. I did back work, because my back is all messed up again.

I e-mailed mom at work last night, with part of my previous post. I went all day without hearing from her, only to find out that today was a holiday and she didn't have work. So I'll see what she says tomorrow.

Also, I have to pick up my SS card from home - I got that job at the YMCA. Woohoo. :) I meet with my new boss on Wednesday afternoon.

I'm not sure what to think.

I am so tired and want to lose weight so badly. I've seen pictures of myself from a year or more ago and I just wish I looked like I did then. I am filled with so much self hate. I feel like I can't lose weight. I feel like I never succeed. It's so hard and I have too many issues. I feel like I'm using excuses...no. I feel like other people think they're excuses. But they're so REAL.

I wonder where my drive went. I always felt hopeless, but I kept on trying. I don't know why this time is different.

It's so weird that I haven't been interested in boys. I mean, I want security. I want physical cuddling. But there are no boys I'm interesed in. Maybe I've just given up. That feels so sad...to not have hope in finding a love.

Eh.

I like my horoscope this week.

Oh dear.

I don't feel like I can handle anything. I feel so emotional....I cried last night with Aaron, again. He's always so wonderful with me.

I really do feel stuck. But I either don't think I can change or change is way too scary. I think both are happening. Today I'm going to do my "homework" for therapy. I have to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for. Then I have to think about how they relate to me (how I make them good). That part will be tricky.

I'm also supposed to do some sort of exercise. I have time today but I don't want to. But I should.

I feel so horrible.

I'm ready to give up.

The past week or so has been so emotional. Weird sleeping habits, horrible mood swings, incessant crying. I started therapy again, and I've had two sessions. I was emotionally drained in both of them. I think this is going to be a good thing overall, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to carry through. There is so much going on. I feel upset at my parents for not giving me what I need. I feel guilty for thinking that because they'll insist until they're blue in the face that they're great parents. I'm the one that has misinterpreted everything. I suppose its true that they do all these things for my best interest, and thats hard to accept. How can I be upset with them when I *know* its only for my well-being?

All I know is that I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yearning for a simple hug. I'm tired of mom calling, when she knows I'm upset, and is worried more about school than my well-being. Where was the "i love you?" Where was the "do you need anything?" I shouldn't expect it anymore. I don't know if I expect it...I just know that I notice it when it doesn't come. I don't know how to hold anything together.

Aaron has been my glue. And we haven't had a lot of time lately and it SUCKS. I miss him. I miss my support. It feels like the only real support that I've ever had. Do you know how lonely that is? It's horrible. I tried to take melatonin yesterday (HORRIBLE day. I don't even want to talk about it) to try to get some sleep. I ended up having one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in awhile. It really, really sucked.

I want Aaron to be here. To really hold me. Would I feel better? If I had that unconditional support just once, I wonder what would happen.

I'm so scared.

I can't stand myself right now. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. I want to cry and scream and hide at the same time.

Anxiousness.

Why, why, why?

Alright. I dyed my hair brown this morning. All I could think of was how fat I am. Later I called Aaron. We were all lovey and I got teary. Then we were intimate. Now I'm all confused. Tonight is my women's group. Then the labyrinth. Why does it make me anxious? I don't feel like walking around in front of people being all "spiritual" for everyone to see. I suppose it could be a good experience. I just am scared. I'll go because I have to. But maybe I'll just sit and write and think. I don't know.

I saw a "Fat Rant" video. It was a plus size woman talking about how we should accept fat, etc. The whole time I was thinking, "great. You're a size 16. I'd KILL to be a size 16." I know that part of it is the way I eat.

I just want to be better. I know that therapy will help. It'll be a lot of work. I just hope I can do it.

:(

I don't want to go, I don't want to go! Ack. There's no one here to calm me down....

and I hate that I need someone to calm me down.

Countdown - T minus 40 minutes.

Ack. I meet with the therapist in 40 minutes. It's starting to freak me out. I'm trying to think about all of the things I want to say. I want to spill all of it out and say "help me." But I also don't think I should - I guess I should learn to trust him.

I called mom this morning. Disappointing. I've asked her to go to the mall a few times and she keeps saying no. I mean...I know that she can say no. And a mall isn't exactly something that she loves going to. But it feels like she's saying no to me. In the end, I know it works out for the best. I wouldn't have a good time at the mall with her - I rarely do.

I think a lot of my problem is that mom didn't teach me how to deal with emotions effectively. She taught me to eat. I guess I taught myself to shop. It sucks. Its sucks because even if I get over this eating and shopping thing, I can't depend on her for healthy problem solving conversation. If I have a problem, I don't go to her. I want to, but I never get what I need. I guess I understand that she did the best that she could. And I guess I can't hold it against her. I know that life isn't fair. It just left me with SO much pain.

I hope this goes well...

Bloatedness.

I've had a lot of food this weekend. Today I had two packages of Top Ramen (and I may even have another, for lack of something else to eat. I'm feeling a little bad about my body. Okay, I do feel bad, but I don't want to dwell on it.

I'm also anxious about my therapy tomorrow. I guess its because I don't know whats going to happen. I'm going to have to reveal a lot of things. That's scary.

I really want to talk to Aaron. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm coloring a picture.

I keep finding myself wanting to call my mom. But I keep stopping myself. She doesn't seem interested in my life. She didn't teach me how to deal with my feelings. Eh.

I guess this is enough for now.

Oh. I just noticed that my antidepressants label says that it may cause drowsiness.

Great.

Gah. I saw engagement photos for a friend from high school. I wouldn't want to marry him, but I did like him for awhile. They're so cute and so happy. I want that.

Today at work I felt like such a frump. Well, okay. I felt like a frump all day. I suppose I should get over it.

I'm getting really, really excited for my therapy appointment on Monday. I really hope change starts to happen.

So I need to post. A lot is going on.

I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow. I *think* I have plans with Megan to go shopping on Saturday. I don't know if those still hold. So I was thinking I'd go out tomorrow and get my eyebrows waxed, get coffee, and maybe shopping on my own. It sounds good to spend a day alone tomorrow.

I think Aaron and I are going to take a few days apart - like this weekend. This relationship thing is so hard on me emotionally. He's so sweet and wonderful, and instead of enjoying it, I just get caught up in all of these wounds. I end up crying a lot. It scares me to take a day or two apart...what happens if I need him? I know I need to start learning to do things on my own.

I also have a therapy appointment on Monday. I had an emotional few days and set up an appointment with the counselor that the doctor recommended.....a man. I set up an appointment, but then couldn't make it. I also don't know that I wanted to make it. I talked to a woman professor that I love to see what she recommended for me. I trust her more than the other doctor. She said that there was some good work to be done with a male therapist, but that doesn't mean that I have to do it. I may not be comfortable with it. There are two other women that I could see. So, I called and set up an appointment with the man therapist, and we'll see how that goes. I'm reserving the right to switch to a woman. Kris, my woman professor, commended me for starting up. What she said solidified my worry. I really don't know if I think I can do it.

There are so many things that I want to improve. I want to see things rationally, and not just black and white. I want to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll see things I won't like, but I know that'll happen. It just scares me. I'm so tired of being sad. I've recognized a lot of things....I have a really hard time getting close to people. I suppose I trust them as people...I'm just terrified to let my guard down. Because once I do, all my issues will just flow out.

I called mom this morning to see if she wanted to do something with me tomorrow. She said no....which is fine. It still kinda stung. I feel like I'm always disappointed with my relationship with her and dad. Yet I still try. I still hope.

I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is going to be a good day. Will I cry today? I can't just let things be. I really, really hope that I find a therapist soon that can help me. I hope that I'm ready for the work.

Sunday - 8.26

12:30 - eggs w/ cheese, potatoes w/ ketchup, two sausage links
1:30 - marionberry scone, 16 oz. iced chai

Randomness.

I really want to be kissed. Not like with Steve...that didn't mean anything. I want a guy to WANT to kiss me.

I'm sure it'll be okay. I just want to whine for awhile. I took a nice, hot shower in the dark with candles, and I feel better :)

So, distraction?

I'm in a slump. Like I'm fighting between a heavy depression and being normal. Actually, more of just NOT being in a depression. I've been fighting feelings of being alone. When I'm with Aaron (long story)...I just. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship. And thats because I'm not good enough.

One of my underlying struggles is that I feel like I need too much. Too much food, too much attention, to much alone time, too much explanation, too much support and love. I don't know what to do about this.

I don't know what to do.

My doctor

wants me to limit my starchy carbs. And by doctor, I mean chiropractor. He's very into the total picture of wellness. Apparently my adrenal gland is working overtime, I have too much estrogen, and a few other things. This will help.

So. The past few days have meant junk food for me; starting a new job, driving all around, school...I'm very ready to get some REAL food into my system. I need to make myself go grocery shopping today and pick up a few things.

He didn't say to cut them out, but the more I limit the easier it'll be.

The million dollar question.

I'm retaining water. And puffy. And feeling generally anxious and sad and fumpy and blech.

So. What am I going to do about it? I'm going to go have lunch soon...I'm going to have a large salad with tuna. Maybe some sort of soup or something. There is a sandwich bar, I think, so I'll have a sandwich made and eat it tonight after training. Tonight's dinner isn't something I want. I don't know what I'll do for dinner.

What else would make me feel better? I need to wear something tonight that I feel comfortable and cute in. Maybe my all black work clothes. I have to work later...I'll bring my novel. I'll probably be able to finish it. I also need to do a reflection for one of my classes.

I'm sitting here eating candy. This is not helping.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Guilty for binging? Okay with it, because I'm improving? I've had a lot of junk this week. It hasn't felt totally out of control, but it was binges (and my behavior in them changed...going for food I really liked, etc). I wrote a bit about it on Shape, and they way they responded is making me feel guilty. Something like, "there has GOT to be a better way to deal with emotions; we all have sucky ones." Thats true. But I'm also growing and exploring and learning new ways an making progress. It felt like they were almost demeaning my experience. A binge is BAD. Feel guilty! Repent! I dunno...maybe a binge is something else.

I don't really want to feel guilty right now.