My mouth tastes funny.

It's the prescription mouthwash that the oral surgeon wants me to use before Tuesday - when I get my wisdom teeth out. I was really kind of nervous about the pain after, not the surgery itself. She said that it never really hurt - it was just being in bed for 2-3 days that was killer. You're out cold with the Vicodin.

So, an update of the activity thing. I haven't exercised everyday - I haven't even kept track, but I AM making more of an effort. I've washed my car, went swimming (well, not really a workout), walked Chance, and done workouts. I truly tried to go to the hip hop class, but on Tuesday I didn't have my car. We had taken it in on Monday, and I didn't get it until 7:00pm on Tuesday - and I can't drive any of our other cars. And then on Thursday, I was sick. I was doing Safety Town and I think that being around the kids made my immune system go weak. I wasn't OUT sick, but enough to warrant a few days of DayQuil.

And the apartment update - it might actually happen. I can't even begin to hope...I talked to my parents with a full plan and they didn't totally turn me down! It was dad's idea to go and view it - so I think we will. It's right by the YMCA - I could beg for my child watch job back. (I worked there last year, but I had too many other things going on and I just couldn't do it). So then I can walk to work - there's even transit from Sherwood to Newberg - I just have to figure out how that bus system works. I want to give Jessie (the girl I'm renting with) a for sure answer as soon as I can, but dad will be in Colorado for 10 days. I'll give her an e-mail and tell her so.

Oops....our power is flickering. There's a summer storm outside. I suppose I'll be back later!
Next time I update I need to remember to talk about the Boy and my mom (and how supportive she's been lately!)

Dream Room.

Curtains to decorate the focus wall
Closet Storage
Wall Mirror
Floor Lamp

Desk

Bedding



Bedside Table
Bed Frame
And Bed Base

Angst.

So, today wasn't a bad day. Day camp went fairly well; the firefighters visited today and they LOVED climbing up and down in the ambulance and the firetruck. But at the end of the day, they were sooo rowdy, we couldn't play any more games, and I had to read them a story. But they were rolling around and being obnoxious. Anyway.

Then I got home, relaxed a bit. Then mom and dad came home, each coming in yelling about whatever it was that Amy and I didn't do while they were gone. Which is a GREAT greeting, by the way. Things were going fine - until I got a phone call from Jessie, the girl that I'm hopefully renting a condo with in the fall. She and Kasey (the other roommate) were going to go visit tonight and officially apply, so they needed my contact info, character reference, employment contact, etc. I told her that I was only about 70% sure that I could do this, because I still needed to discuss it with my parents, but I was going to do my hardest to make it work. So, they went. I haven't heard from her yet.

Later, dad and Amy left for softball practice and I was able to tell her that we really needed to talk about the apartment situation, because it was getting to be crunch time. She told me, again, that her and dad both didn't like the idea that it was in Sherwood and not in Newberg. That's ridiculous - you know that they are only minutes apart. Jessie timed it; the condo is 7 minutes from campus. I honestly don't know what they're problem is. Maybe they're worried that I'll be driving in the dark (which is nothing new)...or that weather will keep me from school (which it won't, but the professors are very good to commuters if there is bad weather). In all honesty, they just probably don't want me out of their grasp at all.

I am getting soooo tired of fighting it. For every answer I come up with, they find another reason why something won't work. I am beyond frustrated...I HATE that they have so much control over my life (not that they should, but that they just push and push). Baby...I'm so exhausted with all of this. This battle has been going on for years, just in different forms. What school I was going to, whether or not I could have a car on campus (and I didn't for the first two years)...just absolutely everything. I'm so tired of fighting - it just makes me want to cry and give up.

Anyway - after mom and I had that little conversation, we went to pick up my car (damage was only $83!). On the way back I just started eating. It was totally emotional...I felt so out of control with the parent situation...I guess sometimes I feel like I have control if I eat. Regardless, I ended up hating myself and being very depressed.

I'm just waiting to hear back from Jessie - more about the condo. Where exactly it is, what things are included - I hate the fact that every time I want to do something I have to write up a fucking business plan in order to be heard. I try so hard....I am calm and collected and I have all the information that I can...and they just become irrational and make up excuses. And I wouldn't care, except that I'm not on my own. I can't make all of these decisions by myself because I don't have the money to back it up. It just makes me feel hopeless and so young. I KNOW I can start making adult decisions. I just wish I had the chance. I wish I had this to look forward to...move in would be August 1st (which they're going to oppose to as well, because I don't start school until like, the 20th). I need something to look forward to. Things seem so dull.

I tried so hard not to...

but I ended up watching an episode of MTV's Made. It was about a girl who wanted to become a dancer on her schools drill team. So, they got her a trainer and a dance coach and made her over and it was cute. But it made me feel incredibly bad about myself. Fat, gross, inactive, etc. So, I kind of half heartily made a deal with myself to do something active every day. I started by putting in a dance video, and it was nice and easy (because I was doing it in my bedroom) but then got tired of bouncing around in my room, so then I put in another one, but the same thing. Maybe I'll take Chance for a walk a little later, just to make it a full day. I'll either go to the gym or put in a video or something.

I also decided that I really want to take hip hop again. DJ's dance class in Newberg started last week, and I could still go, but its only once a week. The gym that I belong to does a hip hop class on Tuesday and Thursday nights, but it's in Beaverton. So...its a bit far away. But when I did go, I LOVED it. So, I really am going to try to go, no matter what.

Boy is in Bend and I haven't talked to him all day. I really miss him.

No cavities.

Yay - I went to the dentist today and it was cool; no cavities. Now I just wish I wasn't getting my wisdom teeth pulled in two weeks.

After the dentist I went to visit mom at work and she took me to lunch. We had a good conversation about the Boy; she was surprisingly supportive. Earlier today Nick and I had a pretty serious talk about stuff (not bad). I'm pretty proud of us for handling things as adults. This is my first relationship so I have to deal with that, and there's always an adjustment to each other...I think we're doing pretty well. Ha - last night we went and got ice cream and I totally broke down and cried. I think my BC is messing with my emotions but I was just so tired and stressed and it kind of felt good to cry....poor Nick tried to help so much. I just suck at sharing emotions. I guess it just takes time.

Came home, took a shower, did my nails, started some laundry and the dishwasher then got some makeup on. I'm leaving in a little bit to go visit Kendra. We're going to take her little puppy for a walk. :) I'm excited.

I guess thats about it...

Mini Breakdown.

Yesterday was very hard. I put in my two weeks notice, came back and found out that the place I was hoping to live next year isn't an option anymore, and then got yelled at by my father for quitting (it was irresponsible, etc). I couldn't stop crying, then talked to Boy, which helped in that tough-love kind of way.

So, I slept terribly and woke up with outrageously puffy eyes. Popped in some laundry, got ready, and met Boy for lunch. It was wonderful seeing him.

Then I got home and the whole family was relaxing - and thats fantastic. But my anxiety got the better of me. I just started worrying....worrying about the job. Worrying about money. Worrying about where I'm going to live next year, worrying about absolutely everything.

I did what I did, and part of being an adult is dealing with that. So, I'll keep going. I suppose this is part of being an adult. Its weird - it seems like it hits all at once. It kind of sucks, but on the other hand, I'm really excited to get to the perks of being an adult. Being on my own, having my own space, defining my own happiness. On the other hand, all of those are the downsides as well.

I'm not looking forward to going into work tomorrow. I'm closing with my manager, and I know that she'll ask a lot of questions. Obviously. I'm just horrible with confrontation and I'm not very self confidant in that sort of thing...I guess I'll figure it out. I just don't want to worry about it.

So.

I put my two week notice in at work today.

Then I come home and learn that the ladies I met with decided to room with someone else, so now I don't have a place to stay.

My mom is disappointed in me.


What am I doing?

I don't think anyone ever told me that relationships were easy. Thank God they didn't. I now know why people say "you make me a better person." I hate that. First, no one MAKES anyone do anything. Second, I always thought that it was the OTHER person that made you a better person and thats not true. Being in a relationship is teaching me what I don't like about myself, how I could function better in certain situations, etc. And that knowledge (and subsequent action) is what is making me a better person. It doesn't have much to do with the person...it has a lot to do with the relationship itself. How it works, how it doesn't, etc.

Maybe I'll write more about this later when I'm not completely exhausted. I worked 8 hours today, and then went out with a friend from work. It was a lot of fun, but I've been on the go for about 13 hours and I'm just done...

I painted my nails orange today.

Neons are supposed to be really big this season. At Ulta there were a ton of neon nail polishes and eye shadows....lots of bright colors coming into the store, too. I'm not sure how I feel about the orange...but I have a purple that I'll try next.

I made some perfect brownies today. I always feel so domestic when I make something. I usually hate cooking and baking..its just a big mess and my hands get all dry in the soap water of the dishes...eh. But sometimes I just want to make something good.

So. What else is new with me? I really, really, really want another job. In a perfect world, I'd get a job in another week, and give my two weeks at Lane Bryant. Then, I'll be able to go to Bend over the 4th. I still want to quit, even if I don't have another job - that would just be a bit irresponsible. Bring an adult is hard.

Are we in a full-blown recession? I know that times are really, really hard right now. Gas is one thing, but the cost of living is rising...jobs are hard to find. I don't know. I just am the kind of person that wants everything right NOW. I want it to work out and I want it to be perfect. I want to go to Bend - I want to meet Nick's family. I want a mini vacation. I want to be able to spend time with him because its so hard for us to while we're both working.

Ugh. I probably will end up quitting. Once I get an idea in my head it doesn't leave. I'm dreading every single shift that I have before I can quit.

everyone look at these pretty pictures.

This is the saddest one I've seen in awhile. I just....I read it last night and I've been thinking about it all day. When did marriages become all about sex? I'm willing to be that this woman has children with this man, and thats why she wants to keep him around. But then...why? Perhaps he's truly a good father, but not a good husband.

And that got me thinking...can someone be one and not the other? Could I be a good wife and not a good mother? (I know, marriage is in context. I won't know if I'm either until I'm there). But aren't the qualities in one the qualities in the other? I would think that a "good" wife (all my feminist bones are shaking, but bear with me) - just like a "good" husband, would be patient, compassionate and loving as a baseline. In a marriage there are other quirks, related to the two specific individuals. Compatible humor, spending habits, religious views, etc. These are all important, but vary on the couple.

Is it the same with children? Once you get past the loving and patient part.....I don't know. The parenting depends on the child. My parents (should have) disciplined Amy differently than me, because we respond to it differently. I just can't picture being with a man that is good to me but not my kids, or vice versa. And which is more important?

The kids. Is that why that woman is in contact with that hooker? To keep him around for the kids....even if she's not happy?

I just don't know what to think. What if I get trapped in a marriage like that?

it's gorgeous outside.

I might be able to wear one of my new dresses to work tomorrow. Yay! Speaking of work, I'm tired of only working part time. I need another new job. This is stressing me out. I thought I'd have a nanny job to work at, but that fell through. I've applied for seven other jobs....I'm not sure. Tomorrow I'm going to call all of the places I've applied at to see how things are going.

Anyway. More later.

I said I would update.

So, day one: walk, 1/2 water, no vitamin. Day 2: all water, no vitamin, no walk. Day 3: screw it. :p Back on track tomorrow.

I was driving home from work today and passed by the high school. Tonight was graduation. I'm glad I'm not in high school anymore....but I miss the graduation part. Something to look forward to, to feel accomplished about, anticipation and freedom. I know I'll graduate college in a year, and that will be exciting....but also scary. I don't know what I'll be doing after this graduation. Last time I was going to go to college - I had a plan. This time...I know that I want to get a job and go to grad school, but there is so much more uncertainty.

I really, really need another job. On Monday I'll will call all the places that I applied to check the status of my application...I need to be making more money. I can't stress out. I can't. Ugh. My anxiety gets out of control sometimes. And I haven't taken my medicine in a few days, and thats catching up with me.

I think that's part of summer. The free time, the anxiety....things are so new. This relationship is so new, so different. I'm worrying about things I never thought I'd worry about. And I know its sometimes irrelevant and useless....but I also can't help it. I want things to be perfect and they're not....(well, duh).

I don't know what else to say. Oh. Today mom and I went and returned a dress that she had bought me for my birthday. It was cute, it just didn't fit right. We ended up finding two other dresses (there was a huge sale) and they're so cute. One is a cute little vintage summer dress and the other is knit...black with pretty blue accents. Pretty simple...wear to work, or just on a random day. I'm looking forward to wearing a dress...but it needs to get way above 50 degrees before that will happen. I'm tired of having all these cute clothes that I want to wear and not being able to because I'd freeze my ass off.

I guess thats about it for now. I'll write more tomorrow.

I need to talk.

I have a lot of things going on. First - a job thing. Second - some relationship thing.

Job.
I hope the apartment thing works out...work 10 hours a week and get free rent. It seems to good to pass up....but the catch is that my parents want me to live with someone, not alone. That makes sense. But I 'm not sure who I could find (especially at my school, where there are certain restrictions on living off campus). I guess it could be Em, but mom pointed out that she may not want to do that. I don't know. If I get offered this - its too good to turn down. It's really starting to stress me out - not knowing where I'm going to live, not having a good job, any money....

It makes me feel really needy....which is where the relationship thing comes in. There's an ended relationship, and whenever I speak with that person, I get these pangs of neediness, guilt, and desperation. I absolutely hate that. It makes me feel vulnerable...even worthless.

I really need to calm down, I'm feeling very anxious and stressed. Ughhhhhhhh.....I hate this! Move on, move on, move on.......

I'm frustrated that it looks like I can't have the 4th off. I'm frustrated that I don't have a real job. I'm frustrated that I don't have any money and a fucking maxed out credit card. I feel like such a failure for admitting that.....

:(

revamp time. (again).

I wanted to start fresh with this blog and delete all of the old stuff, but I'm not going to. Yes, it was sporatic (sp?) and silly and off the wall, but its the past.

There are a few things I want to work on this week. I'd like to be active every day for seven days. This means at least a half hour. And I need to take my vitamins and drink my water. I'll keep track here for seven days, and we'll go from there.

I finished my third year at GFU, and went to Europe (Amsterdam, Brugge, Rouen, Normandy, Paris) for three weeks. I've been back home for about three now. It still feels like I haven't settled. The nanny job I had lined up fell through, so at the moment I'm only working PT at Lane Bryant - and trust me, I don't want to be there much longer. I've applied at six other jobs, and I think all of them can carry me through the next school year. One of them would be perfect: part time apartment manager. I'd get a place to stay for free, in exchange for working PAID 10 hours a week. That would be completely awesome. Please, everyone, cross your fingers, toes and intestines for this. I desperately need something to work out for next year involving a place to live - and a job.

What else? I really want to work on my creativity. I love all kinds of decorating and scrapbooking and making things, but I don't tend to do them because I'm afraid that I'll mess up or it won't be perfect or what I want. I need to realize that this is okay - that I can simply create something for the process of creating. I'm in the middle of a scrapbook page for Chance; the pictures are of him playing in the snow with Amy last winter. I have it roughly laid out, but it's been sitting on the counter for a few days with absolutely no commitment.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the self-improvement area. And, yeah. There is always improvement to be made. But I have a habit of making improvement (weight loss, creativity, etc) my main goal. And that hasn't made me happy yet.

You know what makes me happy? Among other things, my uterus. I know, this is getting off topic...and it might be a little TMI for some of the gentlemen out there, but oh well. I absolutely adore having a uterus (and ovaries and breasts and all the things that go along with being female). Yes, its uncomfortable and even painful to have a period, to birth children, and to go through menopause...but I get to bring children into this world. I get to create life with someone and bring a child into this world. (And you know whats even better than that? I can choose to do this, but I'm not talking about abortion). Everyone says that women have these intuitions...and maternal instincts. And for me, its a bit true. I'm proud of the fact that I can care for people when they're ill. I'm proud of the fact that I do the soccer-mom arm save when I brake fast and a passenger is in my car. I love that there are males out there (trust me, I love men)....but I am glad that Jill Renae Lepire was born female and is not afraid to seek, discover, and express her femininity.

What do you ladies and gents like or dislike about being your particular gender?