woo-hoo.

I decided to go to the gym tonight, because I felt like it. It felt so good. :)

I did 20 minutes elliptical and 20 minutes of random upper body weights. I did back work, because my back is all messed up again.

I e-mailed mom at work last night, with part of my previous post. I went all day without hearing from her, only to find out that today was a holiday and she didn't have work. So I'll see what she says tomorrow.

Also, I have to pick up my SS card from home - I got that job at the YMCA. Woohoo. :) I meet with my new boss on Wednesday afternoon.

I'm not sure what to think.

I am so tired and want to lose weight so badly. I've seen pictures of myself from a year or more ago and I just wish I looked like I did then. I am filled with so much self hate. I feel like I can't lose weight. I feel like I never succeed. It's so hard and I have too many issues. I feel like I'm using excuses...no. I feel like other people think they're excuses. But they're so REAL.

I wonder where my drive went. I always felt hopeless, but I kept on trying. I don't know why this time is different.

It's so weird that I haven't been interested in boys. I mean, I want security. I want physical cuddling. But there are no boys I'm interesed in. Maybe I've just given up. That feels so sad...to not have hope in finding a love.

Eh.

I like my horoscope this week.

Oh dear.

I don't feel like I can handle anything. I feel so emotional....I cried last night with Aaron, again. He's always so wonderful with me.

I really do feel stuck. But I either don't think I can change or change is way too scary. I think both are happening. Today I'm going to do my "homework" for therapy. I have to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for. Then I have to think about how they relate to me (how I make them good). That part will be tricky.

I'm also supposed to do some sort of exercise. I have time today but I don't want to. But I should.

I feel so horrible.

I'm ready to give up.

The past week or so has been so emotional. Weird sleeping habits, horrible mood swings, incessant crying. I started therapy again, and I've had two sessions. I was emotionally drained in both of them. I think this is going to be a good thing overall, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to carry through. There is so much going on. I feel upset at my parents for not giving me what I need. I feel guilty for thinking that because they'll insist until they're blue in the face that they're great parents. I'm the one that has misinterpreted everything. I suppose its true that they do all these things for my best interest, and thats hard to accept. How can I be upset with them when I *know* its only for my well-being?

All I know is that I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yearning for a simple hug. I'm tired of mom calling, when she knows I'm upset, and is worried more about school than my well-being. Where was the "i love you?" Where was the "do you need anything?" I shouldn't expect it anymore. I don't know if I expect it...I just know that I notice it when it doesn't come. I don't know how to hold anything together.

Aaron has been my glue. And we haven't had a lot of time lately and it SUCKS. I miss him. I miss my support. It feels like the only real support that I've ever had. Do you know how lonely that is? It's horrible. I tried to take melatonin yesterday (HORRIBLE day. I don't even want to talk about it) to try to get some sleep. I ended up having one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in awhile. It really, really sucked.

I want Aaron to be here. To really hold me. Would I feel better? If I had that unconditional support just once, I wonder what would happen.

I'm so scared.

I can't stand myself right now. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. I want to cry and scream and hide at the same time.

Anxiousness.

Why, why, why?

Alright. I dyed my hair brown this morning. All I could think of was how fat I am. Later I called Aaron. We were all lovey and I got teary. Then we were intimate. Now I'm all confused. Tonight is my women's group. Then the labyrinth. Why does it make me anxious? I don't feel like walking around in front of people being all "spiritual" for everyone to see. I suppose it could be a good experience. I just am scared. I'll go because I have to. But maybe I'll just sit and write and think. I don't know.

I saw a "Fat Rant" video. It was a plus size woman talking about how we should accept fat, etc. The whole time I was thinking, "great. You're a size 16. I'd KILL to be a size 16." I know that part of it is the way I eat.

I just want to be better. I know that therapy will help. It'll be a lot of work. I just hope I can do it.

:(

I don't want to go, I don't want to go! Ack. There's no one here to calm me down....

and I hate that I need someone to calm me down.

Countdown - T minus 40 minutes.

Ack. I meet with the therapist in 40 minutes. It's starting to freak me out. I'm trying to think about all of the things I want to say. I want to spill all of it out and say "help me." But I also don't think I should - I guess I should learn to trust him.

I called mom this morning. Disappointing. I've asked her to go to the mall a few times and she keeps saying no. I mean...I know that she can say no. And a mall isn't exactly something that she loves going to. But it feels like she's saying no to me. In the end, I know it works out for the best. I wouldn't have a good time at the mall with her - I rarely do.

I think a lot of my problem is that mom didn't teach me how to deal with emotions effectively. She taught me to eat. I guess I taught myself to shop. It sucks. Its sucks because even if I get over this eating and shopping thing, I can't depend on her for healthy problem solving conversation. If I have a problem, I don't go to her. I want to, but I never get what I need. I guess I understand that she did the best that she could. And I guess I can't hold it against her. I know that life isn't fair. It just left me with SO much pain.

I hope this goes well...

Bloatedness.

I've had a lot of food this weekend. Today I had two packages of Top Ramen (and I may even have another, for lack of something else to eat. I'm feeling a little bad about my body. Okay, I do feel bad, but I don't want to dwell on it.

I'm also anxious about my therapy tomorrow. I guess its because I don't know whats going to happen. I'm going to have to reveal a lot of things. That's scary.

I really want to talk to Aaron. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm coloring a picture.

I keep finding myself wanting to call my mom. But I keep stopping myself. She doesn't seem interested in my life. She didn't teach me how to deal with my feelings. Eh.

I guess this is enough for now.

Oh. I just noticed that my antidepressants label says that it may cause drowsiness.

Great.

Gah. I saw engagement photos for a friend from high school. I wouldn't want to marry him, but I did like him for awhile. They're so cute and so happy. I want that.

Today at work I felt like such a frump. Well, okay. I felt like a frump all day. I suppose I should get over it.

I'm getting really, really excited for my therapy appointment on Monday. I really hope change starts to happen.

So I need to post. A lot is going on.

I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow. I *think* I have plans with Megan to go shopping on Saturday. I don't know if those still hold. So I was thinking I'd go out tomorrow and get my eyebrows waxed, get coffee, and maybe shopping on my own. It sounds good to spend a day alone tomorrow.

I think Aaron and I are going to take a few days apart - like this weekend. This relationship thing is so hard on me emotionally. He's so sweet and wonderful, and instead of enjoying it, I just get caught up in all of these wounds. I end up crying a lot. It scares me to take a day or two apart...what happens if I need him? I know I need to start learning to do things on my own.

I also have a therapy appointment on Monday. I had an emotional few days and set up an appointment with the counselor that the doctor recommended.....a man. I set up an appointment, but then couldn't make it. I also don't know that I wanted to make it. I talked to a woman professor that I love to see what she recommended for me. I trust her more than the other doctor. She said that there was some good work to be done with a male therapist, but that doesn't mean that I have to do it. I may not be comfortable with it. There are two other women that I could see. So, I called and set up an appointment with the man therapist, and we'll see how that goes. I'm reserving the right to switch to a woman. Kris, my woman professor, commended me for starting up. What she said solidified my worry. I really don't know if I think I can do it.

There are so many things that I want to improve. I want to see things rationally, and not just black and white. I want to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll see things I won't like, but I know that'll happen. It just scares me. I'm so tired of being sad. I've recognized a lot of things....I have a really hard time getting close to people. I suppose I trust them as people...I'm just terrified to let my guard down. Because once I do, all my issues will just flow out.

I called mom this morning to see if she wanted to do something with me tomorrow. She said no....which is fine. It still kinda stung. I feel like I'm always disappointed with my relationship with her and dad. Yet I still try. I still hope.

I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is going to be a good day. Will I cry today? I can't just let things be. I really, really hope that I find a therapist soon that can help me. I hope that I'm ready for the work.

Sunday - 8.26

12:30 - eggs w/ cheese, potatoes w/ ketchup, two sausage links
1:30 - marionberry scone, 16 oz. iced chai

Randomness.

I really want to be kissed. Not like with Steve...that didn't mean anything. I want a guy to WANT to kiss me.

I'm sure it'll be okay. I just want to whine for awhile. I took a nice, hot shower in the dark with candles, and I feel better :)

So, distraction?

I'm in a slump. Like I'm fighting between a heavy depression and being normal. Actually, more of just NOT being in a depression. I've been fighting feelings of being alone. When I'm with Aaron (long story)...I just. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship. And thats because I'm not good enough.

One of my underlying struggles is that I feel like I need too much. Too much food, too much attention, to much alone time, too much explanation, too much support and love. I don't know what to do about this.

I don't know what to do.

My doctor

wants me to limit my starchy carbs. And by doctor, I mean chiropractor. He's very into the total picture of wellness. Apparently my adrenal gland is working overtime, I have too much estrogen, and a few other things. This will help.

So. The past few days have meant junk food for me; starting a new job, driving all around, school...I'm very ready to get some REAL food into my system. I need to make myself go grocery shopping today and pick up a few things.

He didn't say to cut them out, but the more I limit the easier it'll be.

The million dollar question.

I'm retaining water. And puffy. And feeling generally anxious and sad and fumpy and blech.

So. What am I going to do about it? I'm going to go have lunch soon...I'm going to have a large salad with tuna. Maybe some sort of soup or something. There is a sandwich bar, I think, so I'll have a sandwich made and eat it tonight after training. Tonight's dinner isn't something I want. I don't know what I'll do for dinner.

What else would make me feel better? I need to wear something tonight that I feel comfortable and cute in. Maybe my all black work clothes. I have to work later...I'll bring my novel. I'll probably be able to finish it. I also need to do a reflection for one of my classes.

I'm sitting here eating candy. This is not helping.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Guilty for binging? Okay with it, because I'm improving? I've had a lot of junk this week. It hasn't felt totally out of control, but it was binges (and my behavior in them changed...going for food I really liked, etc). I wrote a bit about it on Shape, and they way they responded is making me feel guilty. Something like, "there has GOT to be a better way to deal with emotions; we all have sucky ones." Thats true. But I'm also growing and exploring and learning new ways an making progress. It felt like they were almost demeaning my experience. A binge is BAD. Feel guilty! Repent! I dunno...maybe a binge is something else.

I don't really want to feel guilty right now.

Woman-God.

Gender in the Imago Dei

A woman at a corporate social gathering approaches the buffet table to snag some shrimp cocktail; she was hungry and searching for something to eat. When she gazed up and down the buffet table, she realized that all that was left of the thousand dollar spread were remnants. All of the good, whole pieces of nourishment were taken. Peering discreetly around the room, the nameless woman realized that all of her male colleagues were busy picking at full plates. The minority of her peers, the women, were virtually food-less.

It seems to be a silly example, but it serves as a slight metaphor for the traditional Christian church. Because of gender-biased language, traditions, and teachings, women experience an exclusion from the church, the place that is supposed to give them nourishment. For the majority of the church body, God is presented as male, yet believers claim that God is beyond understanding and genderless. This discrepancy in orthodoxy and orthopraxis have deeply wounded its’ believers, male and female. God has been presented as a woman, but has been ignored for a more “correct” image of God as male. This serves a purpose; to perpetuate patriarchy and keep men in their “comfort zone,” which is leading and serving over women, not next to women. If we, as a believing community, embraced both genders as accurate images of God, we would have a more complete picture of faith.

Jonathan F. Bassett and John E. Williams from the Department of Psychology at Georgia State University conducted an experiment entitled “Protestants’ Images of Self, God, and Satan as Seen in Adjective Check List Descriptions.” In this experiment, the directors asked 102 Protestant students from an urban university to describe their images of God, Satan, and Self with a questionnaire/check list. “Participants described God as gender neutral, favorable, and strong, but not active, and high on the nurturing parent ego state (Protestants 1).” This study was consistent with previous studies which showed

[t]hat although people use masculine images such as father when talking about God they view him (her) as androgynous, possessing both masculine and feminine characteristics. . . . [A]verage participants possessed a New Testament image of God as nurturing and loving and not an Old Testament image of God as vindictive and punishing (Protestants’ 10).

These typical Protestant students showed that they believe that God is both masculine and feminine. But when they were asked to describe God in adjectives, the majority of the students chose masculine imagery. The directors of this study referenced another study (Lee and Early, 2000) in which 97.9% of respondents chose God as father over mother, when they were asked to choose between the two (Protestants’ 12). This study shows the discrepancy between Christian beliefs and actions. As a whole, we believe the God is not a specific gender, yet we label and refer to God solely as “He,” neglecting the feminine aspects of God.

Some would say that the use of a single-gendered language is simply a model for reflection. Christians innately know that God transcends gender issues; using “man” as the example for God is simply time saving and meant to include everyone. The church would say that it certainly isn’t their intention to exclude women; God is all-inclusive. Joseph A. Bracken, S.J., a retired professor of theology at Xavier University, wrote an essay for Theological Studies in which he discussed the images of God. “[M]odels are neither literal pictures nor useful fictions but limited and inadequate ways of imagining what is not observable. They make tentative ontological claims that there are entities in the world something like those postulated in the models (Theological 2).” Bracken illustrates the fact that models, like using exclusive “He” images to refer to God, are understandable ways of trying to picture God, but that does not mean that they are correct of even helpful. God is indescribable, simply because of His/Her nature. As humans, who wish to know and worship this God, we need some sort of image…something to hold onto, that we can relate with. Very rarely (if ever) will a single image be relatable and liberating for all people, of all lands, and all genders.

When we view God as solely male or female, we invariably bring into discussion the sexuality of God, and not simply His/Her gender. Does the fact that male and female were created in God’s image “imply that God has a sexual nature and that sexuality itself discloses the divine image (Interpretation 8)?” Perhaps sexuality is a separate blessing, used to create “dominion” over the Earth (as we were told to procreate). Professor Emeritus of Biblical Interpretation W. Sibley Towner explains:

If we see the image of the divine in the maleness and femaleness of humankind, it is not their sexual conjunction per se. That comes as a separate divine authorization of what would in any case be necessary for survival, multiplication, and dominion. ‘Image’ is manifested in their very plurality and consequent fellowship (Interpretation 9).

As Towner suggests, the true image of God is seen in the union of both genders, not explicitly in the sexuality of each individual one. By focusing on the male gender as a metaphor for God, the church has excluded the other half…the female divinity. By doing so, we are only experiencing half of the image of God. If we were to join up both images, the Christian church would have a more complete image of God. By ignoring one side, the church has made a devastating mistake by not only excluding half of the population, but also by limiting its’ view of God.

It is not even that the church has been ignorant of the image of God the Mother; it’s that the church explicitly ignored God the Mother. There are specific instances in the Old and New Testaments where the writers refer to God in feminine metaphors. The Gnostic Gospels spoke explicitly of God the Mother, but they have all been shunned and ignored. For instance, Isaiah 42:14 says that God “will cry out like a woman in labor, I will gasp and pant.” Isaiah 46:3-4 says that God has borne the house of Israel, and was carried in God’s womb; “I will carry and I will save.” God will also comfort as a mother comforts her child (Isaiah 66: 13) and never forget her child (Hosea 11:3-4; Isaiah 49:15). As Elizabeth A. Johnson points out in her book She Who Is, there are also pictures of the protective side of a mother. As Hosea 13:8 shows, God is like a “bear robbed of her cubs; I will tear open their breast.” There are numerous verses in the Scriptures showing God as a mother; we were even born of God (John 1:13). Somehow, we forget our Mother, as Deuteronomy 32:18 explains; “You were unmindful of the Rock that bore you; you forgot the God who gave you birth.” The Scriptures are as explicit as they could possibly be, given the limitations of the culture and time, to say that God has feminine qualities as well as masculine ones. As Johnson points out, “The Jewish and Christian Scriptures recognize the importance of the mother-child relationship when they use the metaphors of pregnancy and birth, suckling and feeding, carrying and training, the anger of the mother bear and the protective wing of the mother hen to refer to God’s creative relationship with the world (She 171).” It’s not the holy texts that lack references to God as a woman or mother, but the patriarchal church that has ignored them.

Before we know why they have been ignored, it is essential to know how they have been ignored. A specific example of the ignorance of the church is the translation of the name for God, El Shaddai. As Sue Monk Kidd examines her experience with the in her book The Dance of the Dissident Daughter:

I was especially intrigued with the phrase El Shaddai, in an interesting name for God that occurs forty-eight times in the Bible. It has been traditionally translated “the almighty” or, more exactly “God of the mountain.” But shad is also a Hebrew word for breast. The ending ai is an old feminine ending, therefore a probably ancient meaning of El Shaddai was “the breasted one.” God, the breasted one (146).

A common name for God has been commonly translated by the church to mean a male characteristic. “The almighty” suggests a deity that is all powerful and mighty; brave, courageous and commanding. The other translation, a very feminine imagery of “God, the breasted one,” has been completely disregarded for the former, male imagery. This was a great opportunity for the church to embrace the divine feminine, to embrace the gestating, birthing, and nurturing aspects of our God. Unfortunately, the church chose simply to embrace the more comfortable position of a powerful, almighty King, and wounded all of its followers in the process.

The other, more obvious element of harmful male language is seen in the Trinity. Christians believe that their God is three-in-one; three beings in one deity. These beings are God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God the Father is commonly imagined as exactly that; the God that we picture in our minds when we pray and worship. God the Son is God’s son, Jesus, who came to Earth to save our souls. These two images can be easily mixed and clumped together as one being. The Holy Spirit is one third of the Trinity that is less understood than the other two. We don’t have a mental image of the Holy Spirit, except as possibly an androgynous being; an opaque ghost-like wind. And, if that imagery isn’t suitable, the church falls back onto male personification for the Hoy Spirit. It’s interesting that it isn’t simply God who is referred to as a man, but at least two thirds of the Trinity is referred to as male. Why is there no female imagery?

At one point, there was. “[T]he [Hebrew] term for the spirit of God or Holy Spirit is a feminine term,” writes Kidd.

It is the word ruah, and it occurs 378 times. Many times ruah is used to refer to the life of God of the essence through which the Divine acts. It is this transcendent spirit of God that eventually came to be known as Wisdom, referred to in Old Testament scripture by the feminine term, hokhmah. But the fascinating thing is that hokhmah or Wisdom is not merely a concept but is personified as a woman (147-48).

The Holy Spirit has feminine roots in the biblical language and tradition. Wisdom is God’s self reflection, an extension of God. Wisdom has been given deity-like characteristics, and is exalted as good. The Holy Spirit may have been the female counterpart in the Trinity, but has been played down to a base level; Christians today have a very sparse understanding of this third of the Trinity, let alone recognition of the divine feminineness.

Christians are taught to pray to God the Father. We are taught that our worth is given to us because we were created by God the Father. Our status is recognized in relation to me; are we a good wife? A good mother? (Of course, this is judged by male standards). Women’s experience of conceiving, growing, birthing, and nourishing a child is all but shunned in the biblical creation story. The world was borne of a male God, and ruled by the same deity. We are taught that God is a good man, kind and just and loving…but a man nonetheless. What if women were raised being able to crawl into the divine feminine lap and cry and heal…instead of approaching a “just” authoritarian Father? How would this change the experience of all Christians?

We have seen a harmful discrepancy between the Christian belief of God and expression of God. We say that God is gender-neutral, encompassing all, yet we refer to God solely as male. Partially because of Joseph A. Bracken’s work, we now realize that a model is inadequate at describing beings that we cannot see. God is also not seen as a gender, but in the union of both genders. The divine feminine has been ignored in Christian language and experience, despite the fact that she has been present in the beginnings of the Church.

It is incredibly unfortunate that the nourishing buffet presented by a loving God has been dominated and gobbled up by men. “There’s plenty left over,” some would say. “My faith is adequate for everyone.” This simply isn’t true, and because the struggle for liberation by the feminine minority in Christianity has been ignored, devalued, and ridiculed, our faith as a whole is starving. This is not a woman problem…this is a community problem. By refusing to let women taste the divine feminine, but humiliating them if they thirst for such nourishment, patriarchal Christianity is slowly destroying the souls of all of its believers. If we worship one gender, we have half of a faith. If we partake in half of a faith, everything we believe has the potential to be false. Not only would a more feminine spirituality let God out of the box that we’ve put Him/Her in, it would allow us as believers to experience God in a brand new way. Feminine love, as Kidd writes, “reunites us with each other, with nature, with the whole (156).” Feminine love…a feminine deity…completes God.

Big Girls - You Are Beautiful

Yeah, whatever. I still like the song by Mika, though.

So, I think I have strep. It HURTS. I'm also worried about the night and early morning, because that tends to be the worst time. It's not just a scratchy throat; my tonsils are HUGE with white spots and mucus all over them. Yuck. I just want to crawl in bed for awhile.

MIKA Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) Lyrics

Big girl, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said "Hey girls, you are beautiful."
Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girls, you are beautiful!"

You take your skinny girl
I feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman needs a real man, is why
You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more

Chorus:
Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And there we're gonna do baby
No need to fantasize
Since the words are my phrases
A watering hole
With girls all around
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

Curves in all the right places

Big girls you are beautiful [4x]

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said "Hey girls, you are beautiful."
Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girls, you are beautiful!"

You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more


Feels like a big balloon? Multiply by 4? I guess I'm that big. Gah. Why all this self hatred? I was doing so well earlier. I've been fine. I know I'll have these episodes. I think part of it is being sick...and being tired...and being back from break and transitioning...I need to give myself grace.

Earlier today I reached for a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I'd tried to distract myself and work through it, but all I could think about was stuffing my throat with something cold, creamy, and sweet. And I knew I had it in the freezer. I was in the middle of a bite when I realized that I was playing mommy to myself. I was trying to give myself what I needed to feel better. There are all sorts of conflicting emotions in that...but I guess I just wanted a mommy. I wasn't strong enough to go it alone.