I don't think anyone ever told me that relationships were easy. Thank God they didn't. I now know why people say "you make me a better person." I hate that. First, no one MAKES anyone do anything. Second, I always thought that it was the OTHER person that made you a better person and thats not true. Being in a relationship is teaching me what I don't like about myself, how I could function better in certain situations, etc. And that knowledge (and subsequent action) is what is making me a better person. It doesn't have much to do with the person...it has a lot to do with the relationship itself. How it works, how it doesn't, etc.

Maybe I'll write more about this later when I'm not completely exhausted. I worked 8 hours today, and then went out with a friend from work. It was a lot of fun, but I've been on the go for about 13 hours and I'm just done...

I painted my nails orange today.

Neons are supposed to be really big this season. At Ulta there were a ton of neon nail polishes and eye shadows....lots of bright colors coming into the store, too. I'm not sure how I feel about the orange...but I have a purple that I'll try next.

I made some perfect brownies today. I always feel so domestic when I make something. I usually hate cooking and baking..its just a big mess and my hands get all dry in the soap water of the dishes...eh. But sometimes I just want to make something good.

So. What else is new with me? I really, really, really want another job. In a perfect world, I'd get a job in another week, and give my two weeks at Lane Bryant. Then, I'll be able to go to Bend over the 4th. I still want to quit, even if I don't have another job - that would just be a bit irresponsible. Bring an adult is hard.

Are we in a full-blown recession? I know that times are really, really hard right now. Gas is one thing, but the cost of living is rising...jobs are hard to find. I don't know. I just am the kind of person that wants everything right NOW. I want it to work out and I want it to be perfect. I want to go to Bend - I want to meet Nick's family. I want a mini vacation. I want to be able to spend time with him because its so hard for us to while we're both working.

Ugh. I probably will end up quitting. Once I get an idea in my head it doesn't leave. I'm dreading every single shift that I have before I can quit.

everyone look at these pretty pictures.

This is the saddest one I've seen in awhile. I just....I read it last night and I've been thinking about it all day. When did marriages become all about sex? I'm willing to be that this woman has children with this man, and thats why she wants to keep him around. But then...why? Perhaps he's truly a good father, but not a good husband.

And that got me thinking...can someone be one and not the other? Could I be a good wife and not a good mother? (I know, marriage is in context. I won't know if I'm either until I'm there). But aren't the qualities in one the qualities in the other? I would think that a "good" wife (all my feminist bones are shaking, but bear with me) - just like a "good" husband, would be patient, compassionate and loving as a baseline. In a marriage there are other quirks, related to the two specific individuals. Compatible humor, spending habits, religious views, etc. These are all important, but vary on the couple.

Is it the same with children? Once you get past the loving and patient part.....I don't know. The parenting depends on the child. My parents (should have) disciplined Amy differently than me, because we respond to it differently. I just can't picture being with a man that is good to me but not my kids, or vice versa. And which is more important?

The kids. Is that why that woman is in contact with that hooker? To keep him around for the kids....even if she's not happy?

I just don't know what to think. What if I get trapped in a marriage like that?

it's gorgeous outside.

I might be able to wear one of my new dresses to work tomorrow. Yay! Speaking of work, I'm tired of only working part time. I need another new job. This is stressing me out. I thought I'd have a nanny job to work at, but that fell through. I've applied for seven other jobs....I'm not sure. Tomorrow I'm going to call all of the places I've applied at to see how things are going.

Anyway. More later.

I said I would update.

So, day one: walk, 1/2 water, no vitamin. Day 2: all water, no vitamin, no walk. Day 3: screw it. :p Back on track tomorrow.

I was driving home from work today and passed by the high school. Tonight was graduation. I'm glad I'm not in high school anymore....but I miss the graduation part. Something to look forward to, to feel accomplished about, anticipation and freedom. I know I'll graduate college in a year, and that will be exciting....but also scary. I don't know what I'll be doing after this graduation. Last time I was going to go to college - I had a plan. This time...I know that I want to get a job and go to grad school, but there is so much more uncertainty.

I really, really need another job. On Monday I'll will call all the places that I applied to check the status of my application...I need to be making more money. I can't stress out. I can't. Ugh. My anxiety gets out of control sometimes. And I haven't taken my medicine in a few days, and thats catching up with me.

I think that's part of summer. The free time, the anxiety....things are so new. This relationship is so new, so different. I'm worrying about things I never thought I'd worry about. And I know its sometimes irrelevant and useless....but I also can't help it. I want things to be perfect and they're not....(well, duh).

I don't know what else to say. Oh. Today mom and I went and returned a dress that she had bought me for my birthday. It was cute, it just didn't fit right. We ended up finding two other dresses (there was a huge sale) and they're so cute. One is a cute little vintage summer dress and the other is knit...black with pretty blue accents. Pretty simple...wear to work, or just on a random day. I'm looking forward to wearing a dress...but it needs to get way above 50 degrees before that will happen. I'm tired of having all these cute clothes that I want to wear and not being able to because I'd freeze my ass off.

I guess thats about it for now. I'll write more tomorrow.

I need to talk.

I have a lot of things going on. First - a job thing. Second - some relationship thing.

Job.
I hope the apartment thing works out...work 10 hours a week and get free rent. It seems to good to pass up....but the catch is that my parents want me to live with someone, not alone. That makes sense. But I 'm not sure who I could find (especially at my school, where there are certain restrictions on living off campus). I guess it could be Em, but mom pointed out that she may not want to do that. I don't know. If I get offered this - its too good to turn down. It's really starting to stress me out - not knowing where I'm going to live, not having a good job, any money....

It makes me feel really needy....which is where the relationship thing comes in. There's an ended relationship, and whenever I speak with that person, I get these pangs of neediness, guilt, and desperation. I absolutely hate that. It makes me feel vulnerable...even worthless.

I really need to calm down, I'm feeling very anxious and stressed. Ughhhhhhhh.....I hate this! Move on, move on, move on.......

I'm frustrated that it looks like I can't have the 4th off. I'm frustrated that I don't have a real job. I'm frustrated that I don't have any money and a fucking maxed out credit card. I feel like such a failure for admitting that.....

:(

revamp time. (again).

I wanted to start fresh with this blog and delete all of the old stuff, but I'm not going to. Yes, it was sporatic (sp?) and silly and off the wall, but its the past.

There are a few things I want to work on this week. I'd like to be active every day for seven days. This means at least a half hour. And I need to take my vitamins and drink my water. I'll keep track here for seven days, and we'll go from there.

I finished my third year at GFU, and went to Europe (Amsterdam, Brugge, Rouen, Normandy, Paris) for three weeks. I've been back home for about three now. It still feels like I haven't settled. The nanny job I had lined up fell through, so at the moment I'm only working PT at Lane Bryant - and trust me, I don't want to be there much longer. I've applied at six other jobs, and I think all of them can carry me through the next school year. One of them would be perfect: part time apartment manager. I'd get a place to stay for free, in exchange for working PAID 10 hours a week. That would be completely awesome. Please, everyone, cross your fingers, toes and intestines for this. I desperately need something to work out for next year involving a place to live - and a job.

What else? I really want to work on my creativity. I love all kinds of decorating and scrapbooking and making things, but I don't tend to do them because I'm afraid that I'll mess up or it won't be perfect or what I want. I need to realize that this is okay - that I can simply create something for the process of creating. I'm in the middle of a scrapbook page for Chance; the pictures are of him playing in the snow with Amy last winter. I have it roughly laid out, but it's been sitting on the counter for a few days with absolutely no commitment.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the self-improvement area. And, yeah. There is always improvement to be made. But I have a habit of making improvement (weight loss, creativity, etc) my main goal. And that hasn't made me happy yet.

You know what makes me happy? Among other things, my uterus. I know, this is getting off topic...and it might be a little TMI for some of the gentlemen out there, but oh well. I absolutely adore having a uterus (and ovaries and breasts and all the things that go along with being female). Yes, its uncomfortable and even painful to have a period, to birth children, and to go through menopause...but I get to bring children into this world. I get to create life with someone and bring a child into this world. (And you know whats even better than that? I can choose to do this, but I'm not talking about abortion). Everyone says that women have these intuitions...and maternal instincts. And for me, its a bit true. I'm proud of the fact that I can care for people when they're ill. I'm proud of the fact that I do the soccer-mom arm save when I brake fast and a passenger is in my car. I love that there are males out there (trust me, I love men)....but I am glad that Jill Renae Lepire was born female and is not afraid to seek, discover, and express her femininity.

What do you ladies and gents like or dislike about being your particular gender?

No no no no no.

I just saw my friends wedding pictures. She looked absolutely stunning. Instead of being happy for her, I became bitter about my life.

But you know what? You're SUPPOSED to look stunning on your wedding day. She did...and I will, too. I don't want to get married for a long time...so why am I even worried about this?

My therapist is showing me that almost every conflict I have (or the way I deal with it) relates back to how I do (or don't) accept myself. What's my definition again? "A conscious decision or act of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness." Or, something like that.

:D

My eyes are watery today.

Whatever.

I just got back from my women's group. It was really nice. It's good to know that there are other women out there that feel the same way that I do. And they don't have answers, either. Just, along the way you unconsciously make decisions about what you believe. It's frustrating in the day to day life, but when I think about where I've come from in the past year, I am truly amazed.

What else is going on? Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Mom just stopped by and brought cupcakes and goodies for us. She pulled me aside and talked to me and....ugh. I'm just so sad that I can't get what I need emotionally from her. I want that so bad. Especially with Valentines Day....

You know what? No. It would be very easy to sink into this depression piece. I have reasons to hurt. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not. I'm going to do something positive tonight that will affirm me.

I've had some chocolate, and it was good. I'm watching a good TV show, that's good, too.

I'd love to talk to Aaron. Wouldn't that be nice? He would be so nice to me and so loving and it would just make me feel worse because I don't have that here. I guess I don't have to worry about that...he won't be home from work for two and a half more hours.

I don't know.

Repeat after me: acceptance is a mental attitude or conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

Unconditonal kindness and gentleness. I am WORTH that, damnit. And I'm worth giving it to myself.

Acceptance.

My therapist asked me to define "acceptance," which is something that I've been struggling with. I integrated some other formal definitions to create my own.
Acceptance: A mental attitude of conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

We talked about a few things.
*I mentioned myself and others...and I put myself first
*I used the word "unconditional"

In our discussions, I realized that acceptance recognizes worth but doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be okay with it. For example, if someone hurts me (mom), I recognize that they have worth, and treat them as such, but I don't need them in my life and I don't need to be okay with the hurt.

I also thought about something else today. Maybe I don't have to "feel" pretty to accept myself.

Hmm. Food for thought.

Speaking of food...dinner time.

Patience.

So many things are running through my mind.
My weight. (Duh.)
Paper/presentation due on Tuesday.
Lack of money.
How much fast food I've eaten lately.
My plans this weekend (birthday dinner with Megan and Em, Church and Jeff Dunham).
Patience (with the God thing).
Acceptance (therapist wants me to define it in words and pictures.
Amber's BIL calling (long story).

Well, I guess it's not that long of a story. A co-worker wants to set me up with her brother-in-law, who is 21. I gave her my number to call me so that we could all go out to dinner or something, if he is interested. I gave my number on Sunday and we just ended Thursday. I know that I need to calm down, but seriously. I just get so anxious. (This is nothing new, people).

I talked to my therapist about it. He helped me realize a few things. First, I feel like I can't have a crush or anything resembling a crush. I automatically believe that no one will EVER EVER EVER like me. Anyway. I need to learn that all emotions are okay to feel AND to express.

Wow. I can't formulate any sentences right now. Later. :)

I want to go to bed so bad.

But, I promised myself I would write a bit.

I started my period today. (Is that TMI? Deal with it.). So I've been pretty sensitive and horribel to myself. I've eaten a lot of fast food in the past week and I can feel that I've gained a few pounds. I'm trying sooooo f-ing hard to not completely destroy myself. I need to realize that I'm fat, it's not a secret, and fat in itself is not something to be ashamed about. I'm fat because I eat. I eat because I'm trying to fill and void and didn't know any other way. There's nothing BAD in that. And there's also nothing BAD in trying to change that now, when I know better.

Anyway. I worked tonight. I will work the next four nights (keep in mind that my work is almost 20 miles from my school, and I have to drive it each day that I work). I love my job (Lane Bryant) and need the hours (don't even get my started on my credit), and enjoy the drive (I don't, however, enjoy paying for gas).

Now I'm feeling the need to defend my credit. Maybe not for you, but for me. And I know I'm okay. So no worries.

Off to bed. Finally. :)

I'm scared

of failing Statistics. Or not passing with a C....which is required for my major. I don't believe I can do it.

I don't want to get stressed out and anxious...like I am...

why can't I' orrganize my thoughts?

What am I going to do with myself?

B: three donut holes
L: 2 cups chicken broccoli pasts
S: Lean Cuisine Pizza
D: 1/2 plate nachos, 1 cup veggie stir fry, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes
S: PB+J and apple cider


I guess thats not as bad as I THOUGHT....

Woohoo?

So, today I was rocky. I gave a presentation on binge eating that sucked. I wanted to start dieting. I thought about that for a bit.

After work I spent $10 on fast food...but I didn't eat it all. About half of it. I threw the rest away. Yay?

woo-hoo.

I decided to go to the gym tonight, because I felt like it. It felt so good. :)

I did 20 minutes elliptical and 20 minutes of random upper body weights. I did back work, because my back is all messed up again.

I e-mailed mom at work last night, with part of my previous post. I went all day without hearing from her, only to find out that today was a holiday and she didn't have work. So I'll see what she says tomorrow.

Also, I have to pick up my SS card from home - I got that job at the YMCA. Woohoo. :) I meet with my new boss on Wednesday afternoon.

I'm not sure what to think.

I am so tired and want to lose weight so badly. I've seen pictures of myself from a year or more ago and I just wish I looked like I did then. I am filled with so much self hate. I feel like I can't lose weight. I feel like I never succeed. It's so hard and I have too many issues. I feel like I'm using excuses...no. I feel like other people think they're excuses. But they're so REAL.

I wonder where my drive went. I always felt hopeless, but I kept on trying. I don't know why this time is different.

It's so weird that I haven't been interested in boys. I mean, I want security. I want physical cuddling. But there are no boys I'm interesed in. Maybe I've just given up. That feels so sad...to not have hope in finding a love.

Eh.

I like my horoscope this week.

Oh dear.

I don't feel like I can handle anything. I feel so emotional....I cried last night with Aaron, again. He's always so wonderful with me.

I really do feel stuck. But I either don't think I can change or change is way too scary. I think both are happening. Today I'm going to do my "homework" for therapy. I have to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for. Then I have to think about how they relate to me (how I make them good). That part will be tricky.

I'm also supposed to do some sort of exercise. I have time today but I don't want to. But I should.

I feel so horrible.