It's almost 2009.

What do I have on tap for the new year?

*Finishing my last semester (including field experience)
*Graduating with my BA in Psychology
*Turning 22.

Things I'd like to accomplish:

*Don't give up on Weight Watchers
*Take over all my finances
*Begin paying off school debt; paying as much as I can
*Begin a significant savings account.

Last Monday I weighed in and was down .6. I'm down 11.4 total. I don't know how well this week will go. I haven't worked out, but I have been tracking. We're also going to be at the beach for 2 day. I'll make the best choices that I can.

I have all my textbooks for next semester, minus one (waiting for it to come in the mail). Ugh. So many books.

I'm at work for another hour and a half - then I'm leaving to go to Vancouver for our belated Christmas Eve. It'll be good to see everyone and celebrate when we couldn't last week.

I'm weighing in tonight.

First time in what...three weeks? I'm nervous.

I've been biting my nails a lot. They look horrible.
I'm back home - with a TV for Christmas.
I didn't get a lot of what I asked for, but I'm happy we can have a Christmas.
Still haven't had Christmas Eve - our power was out and we were snowed in.
Parents are being somewhat obnoxious.

And I'm freezing.

What a week.

I guess it's been more than a week. We are under so much snow....well, Newberg and Aurora aren't THAT bad, at least not as bad as Portland.

I missed my WW meeting last week because of the snow. I didn't go, because I didn't want to drive. But then I found out it was cancelled. I'm going on Monday, barring a huge storm (that is supposed to happen tonight). I doubt I've lost anything. Probably even gained.

I don't know what is wrong - my motivation is totally gone. I haven't tracked a lot; well, I've tracked everything today. And I'm drinking my water. I'll try to workout when I get home. I have three new (well, from Netflix and the library) workouts. I think I should make a goal 0f doing some activity every day for a month. I think that would really get me into the habit. Worst case scenatio, I go for a walk or just do 15 minutes. I'll make up some rules. Let's see.

At least 15 minutes.
It needs to be aerobic; I need to be at least slightly out of breath.
Doing two in one day won't count for more than one day.

There are going to be some setbacks; namely Christmas, and January 1-3 when my family and I are at the beach. I suppose our hotel will have gym accomodations. And on Christmas I can just got for a walk. I'll pack some workout DVDs that I can do in my room, that won't bother anyone.

I'm not giving up without a fight.

So...

I ended up losing .6 last week, which made me break even from the .6 I gained the week before. This week I've worked out twice - but I've also had two fast food meals.

I got a lot accomplished today. I got all of the ice out of my freezer; it took a hair dryer, a knife, a spatula, and about 40 minutes. I also did my dishes, took a shower, shaved my legs, did my grocery shopping, took out my trash and put away all the laundry that I had hung around the room to dry.

Tomorrow is mom's birthday. Em and I are going home (if it doesn't snow) to have grandma's chicken and dumplings. I won't be able to stay long, but it'll be nice to see everyone again. It's weird thinking that I won't be going home for the whole winter break. I'll be going home almost every weekend and spending the night, but I won't be there for the whole three weeks. That feels weird.

I'm also very excited to go to the beach for New Years! We won't be at the beach New Years Eve, but we'll drive up on the first and spend two nights. I think we're bringing Chance. It'll be fun. :)

Next week I'll be working a lot in the student bookstore, and studying for finals. I only have three, though, so I don't think it's that bad.

Ta ta for now!

I remember...

touching myself when I was younger. Not sexually. I would lay in bed and curl up in a fetal position, to feel my own body heat. I would rock back and forth and cry, whispering "it's going to be okay."

Sometimes I'd stroke my cheek. I bet no one else knows how round and smooth they feel. Once in awhile I would hug myself or touch my thighs; places no one had ever touched.

It felt incredibly wonderful, and incredibly pathetic.
I still don't know what to think about it.

I caught myself stroking my cheek tonight while I was driving. I was in a very sad, delicate mood.

Many things to think about.

I'm going to Weight Watchers tonight. Well, I guess I haven't officially made that decision. Yes, I have. If I don't go, I'll fuel that fire of apathy. So I'm going. Anyway - I'm worried, as usual. I am 100% sure that I gained weight this week. I didn't work out, I had Quiznos with Emily, and a fried dinner with Boy at the beach...and I'm sure there was more. It was just not a good week.

I was fully intending to get up this morning, go to step class, and get back on track. And that's what I did - kinda. I got up and went to step, but we didn't work out today. And I had no other free time. So I didn't work out. I can still work out through the remainder of the week, and I plan to. But but great jump start was foiled.

What's ironic is that 10 pounds seems to be my anxiety marker. It has been that way before. And I lost 10 pounds, and then gained .6. Which is fine...except that this week had resulted in probably a two pound gain. I even prepared for it, I thought. I thought about it, recognized it, and resolved to watch out for self-defeating behavior. And with workouts - I guess that was self defeating behavior. It wasn't crossing my mind at the time - I was feeling tired, apathetic, and I just couldn't drag myself to work out. I even tried, twice. Once at step (when we took an exam instead of working out) and once to hip hop (where I barely broke a sweat, got bored, and left). I was planning to just take this week off and jump back on.

Which is normal and okay, I think, except for the fact that now I'm terrified of seeing whatever number is on the scale. I'm terrified it's going to derail me even more. I toyed with the idea of going but not weighing in - but I feel anxious about it...like I have to face the music, for better or for worse. Then I briefly thought about not going, but thats not going to happen. I'll be late, but I have to go back and get my car. Usually I do this earlier in the day, but today I didn't have time.

So. I'm just kinda....hanging in there. There's also more. I found out (with no help from my advisors) that I need a CADC certification for addictions counseling, but not necessarily grad school (to begin with). So I took the GRE, but planned to skip grad school until later. Today I find out that I need 150 hours of relevant coursework, which is wonderful. Except for the fact that I don't have that many hours from Fox. I'll graduate with 150 hours total. So now I need to take classes elsewhere - which may have been grad school. So, I don't know. The whole situation is just too much. I'm still trying to get an internship for next semester, and I'm following some leads, but I'm feeling so discouraged about it.

About a lot of things.

I'm positive I gained weight this week.

It's just been a hard week. I'm prepared to gain two pounds. It's easy to say that now, that I will be prepared to work very hard this week. And I am. I have every intention and a plan of kicking butt next week. But how am I going to feel when I stand on that scale and the woman tells me that I've gained back two (or more) pounds. Am I going to get very depressed and start the eating cycle again?

I hope not. I have every intention of not. But I also feel a little hopeless right now.

So I have this professor.

And she's amazing. She's balanced. She's been a clinical therapist, is a parent, and now a college professor. She's very sensitive to others, but keeps her boundaries. Her love for her family just oozes out.

I want to be like her.

I also saw photos of her from when she went to Europe with her family this summer. Normally, in class, she'll wear slacks and nice tops, but in these pics, she wore jeans and fitted t-shirts. I got jealous....she's got a fabulous body. She works hard for it; I know she works out consistently and eats right. It just doubled my anxiety about this week.

Especially because Em and I had Quiznos tonight, and frosty's from Wendys. Tomorrow Nick is taking me out to dinner. I know I'm going to gain.

Why does that feel like the biggest deal ever? Part of it is mom mentioning it. She didn't mean it in a harmful way at all; just reminded me that if I gained this week, to not let the self hatred cycle start or continue.

What is my problem?

I have been so lethargic and apathetic this week. I thought it might have something to do with my lack of exercise, but I dragged myself to a hip hop class last night. I ended up leaving early because it was so boring and I wasn't even sweating, and we learned the whole routine in 20 minutes. The instructor wasn't that great. To make matters worse, I just felt like such a huge blob. I know that feeling was all in my head - people weren't looking at me and laughing. I felt like they were. I just felt ashamed.

I've got clean laundry in my basket on the floor, with dirty laundry on the floor next to it. I've got clean dishes to be put away, and dirty dishes in the sink. I've got jackets to hang up, and things to put away. I've got a bathroom and kitchen to clean, a floor to sweep , and a to-do list that is two pages long, just for school. Normally I'm not like this - normally I'm good at keeping up with things. Part of me thinks that I should just cut myself some slack. I've been working out a lot and fairly busy, so maybe this week is going to go best if I just cut myself some slack. Then I'm worried about my weigh in on Monday, since I haven't worked out. I haven't done terrible on eating, so maybe I'll still be alright. It would really suck if I gained this week, since I gained .6 last week.

After work I'm going to go to the library and get some work done for an hour or two. Then, I'll come back, turn on some music and clean. That will make me feel better. Gah.

So...

I've skipped every workout so far this week. Some my fault, and some not. I just feel so lazy....so unmotivated. I'm thinking I might just need to take this week off and let myself chill. I'm still going to watch my eating and count my Points.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go for a walk; and there is a hip hop class tomorrow night in Beaverton. I just want to give myself a break - then get back. I have a lot of new exercise videos and I want to try them; I'm just so unmotivated.

In other news, I got a B on my Cognition Integration paper. :) I'm excited, because that paper was total crap. :D

If I ever get pregnant -

this is something I need to remember:


LOL! How cute.

Anyway...started a new scarf, and it's an actual pattern. I'm so proud of myself! I also weighed in at Weight Watchers; I gained .6. Not bad, especially with two Thanksgivings and a Civil War party (go Ducks!). But, I'm gonna keep going. I went to the grocery store and bought some good food; I was out. I also think I'm going to go to a hip hop class tomorrow night in Beaverton. I've been a few times and enjoyed it; I'm not sure why I don't make it a priority to go.

I'm not sure what else to write about, especially since I have SO MUCH stuff to do before the end of the semester. Tomorrow I'm going to plan out everything that I need to do for the rest of the semester.

Anyway. Going to bed now. :)

More pics!

Dad and I Amy and I

:)

Thanksgiving Pictures!

My uber-hot sister.

Grandma with Adriana and Logan.

Cousins! The youngest and the oldest.

I gave Mackie some lovin'.

Thanksgiving 2008

I'll be uploading pictures later, but here's a recap so far.

On Thursday I came home and convinced Dad and Amy to go to the gym with me. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, and then Amy showed me some of her training exercises. My butt is sore today. Today I totally slept in until 9:30. We left for Thanksgiving at my aunt's house at 11:30. Thanksgiving was good. I didn't count my Points for the day, but I did only have one normal plateful of food. Normal servings, etc. Well, and one too many mini quiches. I'll count all of my daily Points and all of my Flex points...just to be safe. I also convinced Dad to go to the gym with me tomorrow morning. :P There's a step aerobics class at 9:00AM. I think Amy is coming, too. Then Boy is coming over in the afternoon for another Thanksgiving dinner. I'm excited to see him and take a walk, maybe with Chance.

Another thing about this Thanksgiving; I was totally comfortable. Usually I just feel uncomfortable; about what I'm wearing, about who I'm with, about what I'm eating, etc. I just felt comfortable. Well, mostly. I felt sort of unconscious, but not as horribly as before. So yay. :) I've always enjoyed my aunt and uncle. I view them as young and hip, but also responsible, intelligent people who have good heads (and adorable children). Ugh - uploading pics. Will post some soon.

Nervous.

I'm nervous/anxious about a lot of things:

*GRE. I'm taking this Saturday morning. I'm not going to grad school right away, like I thought I was. So this is only for 2 reasons. One, I'd have to pay to NOT take it. Two, the scores are good for 5 years. So if I DO go back (hopefully/probably?) I won't have to take it again. But I haven't studied, and I'm nervous that I will totally suck. I anticipate getting an average score, but who knows? And mom keeps asking me about it - she wants me to have absolutely everything figured out and I simply don't. That stresses me out. I need to remember that I'm taking it now, but I don't NEED it now. And if I need to take it again, I can. I can view this as (a very expensive) practice run.

*End of term. There are two weeks of classes and a week of finals when I get back from Thanksgiving break. I have many things to do. I know that I can get them done; I always do. It's just stressful.

*I hit the 10 pound mark this week at Weight Watchers. I'm thrilled and surprised. But I need to be prepared; this is the time when I normally freak out. I'm not sure I will this time, because I've been doing things a lot differently than before. My workouts are fairly consistent, I'm drinking my water...etc.

I guess freaking out is in my nature. I should just expect it.

And, the results are in.

I lost 5.2 pounds! I'm down a total of 10.4. Can you believe it? Holy cow.

Anyway...I did well on eating today, and did about 20 minutes of aerobics. I was supposed to go to step, but I had the cramps from hell - so didn't. I wasn't into the other aerobics, either. I'm gonna make a plan for the rest of the week.

M: 20 minutes aerobics
T: 30 minutes aerobics (am), 20 minutes weights (pm)
W: step aerobics (am), 20 minutes weights (pm)
T: Walk - 3 miles?
F: 30 minutes aerobics
S: 40 minuted weights
S: Day off.

We shall see. :D

So it's Saturday...

I'm nervous about my weigh in on Monday. I've eaten five pieces of pizza total, and I went to Red Robin with Boy. I ordered a salad...but it still had dressing. I guess I wouldn't feel too bad about it if I hadn't gained .4 pounds last week. I just don't know where I stand - I've actively been changing what I'm eating, every day, and I'm actively working out more. I guess I'm just scared....

I just want to share...

This is the beginning of mommy's scarf. :D It's a bit rough, especially with the ends I need to tie up. :D

I had a disturbing dream...

I had a dream that I was being forced to organize some silverware by a man. Then the man raped me.

I looked it up, and silver means "looking for your worth; expensive." And rape means "fear of being force to unite with something."


Hmmm.


Edited to add: I was thinking about my dream today during step aerobics. (OMG, I was so not up for class...but I did it. :D) Anyway - I was being forced to arrange some nice silverware on a placemat. There were like 12 pieces, and no enough room. Maybe I'm taking on too much and expecting too much? Anyway, once I had finished, I was raped by the man that was making me organize it. And I didn't scream. I didn't fight. I didn't like it or want it, but just accepted it. Maybe I don't put up a fight for myself....

Hmm.

More goodies. :)

Yes - this is my new haul from tonight. I stopped at Walgreens and found two 2 packs of Amazement Lipglosses, for $2.89 each. I also got two CG TruShine lipsticks. I also picked up that obnoxious yellow nail polish color, and a Sharpie pen (which is AWESOME, by the way). For $16, not bad.

I ended up sleeping in today. Well...waking up at 9. Then staying/sleeping around until 12. Then I did some homework, finished my take home exam. I went home for a few hours and visited. I used moms stove to make some 2point Taco Soup and some breakfast bars. I also made a new dessert thing - SOOO GOOOD. I need to never make them again - they're phenomenal. Mom also gave me a few Christmas decorations and I picked up my much needed Nalgene bottle.

I wish there was more to write about....

I feel so accomplished.

I'm doing laundry (three loads!), I've made my breakfasts for the week, I made a new recipie, I'm THISCLOSE to finishing my take home exam for Cognition, and I've started on my presentation for Thursday. I hope to get all my info and have it organized by Sunday night. Then the rest is just cake.

Tomorrow I'm going home in the afternoon. I'm hoping to make a recipie there for the week (mom has stuff I don't), and see my puppy. I also have a list of things I need to drop off and pick up, so that will be helpful.

Whew.

I'm so proud of myself.

I ordered some new workout DVDs for me. :) I'm pretty excited - I haven't bought any in such a long time, and I deserve some new ones. And I ordered some GOOD quality ones, too. Here they are:


The first one is dancing and strength training. The second is kickboxing, and the third is one of my favorite instructors. It had a 20 minute upper body strength segment and a 20 minute lower body strength segment.

And I'm eating cranberry/raspberry yogurt. Mmmmmm.

Drumroll, please.....

I'm down 5.6, people.

Lovely.

:)

So I got the urge to eat.

Mainly because I'm bored.

So bored.

So I made some oatmeal and peanut butter. Not a bad snack, but I truly didn't need it.

OMG.

Just went to Safeway to turn in cans and then pick up some lettuce for dinner.

As I was walking out, I noticed an ornament display. It was a sterling J - about 5 inches tall...with fake crystals on it.

OMG. Good thing I get paid tomorrow. When I go there tomorrow to pick up some groceries for the week - I'm pretty sure it's mine. Which reminds me -I think I'm going to make a "decorate Jill's apartment for Christmas" party. I will invite a few people - probably just Em and Boy. I'll have cocoa and cider and we can hang lights inside and maybe get a fake tree...OMG.

Weight Watchers

My first weigh in is tomorrow. I feel so scared - and I'm not sure why. I'm scared that I haven't lost any weight - that my points values are off. That I'm eating too many, that eTools counted too many for my exercise, too little for some of my food...

I can honestly say that this time I've noticed a difference between last time I did this and this time. Last time I was trying to eat the way I was accustomed to and fit it into my points. This time, I've had meals that I didn't particularly enjoy, simply to do well. I haven't had a since fast food item all week. And I've worked out four times (all true workouts, not a mile walk workout). I'm even thinking about working out today.

There are some challenges, though. Working out without others has proven to be difficult. Every workout this week has been with a class or with a friend. I need that motivation and support, but I can't depend on it. And I haven't seen Boy this week, so I don't know what eating with him will be like. I know he will be as supportive as possible, but I see myself just saying "the heck with it" when I'm with him - which is not what I need to be doing.

Anyway. Back to being scared. I guess I'll just have to trust the process. I truly tried this week and didn't give up which was a HUGE accomplishment because I was tempted so many times. If I haven't lost any weight or haven't lost a "satisfactory" amount of weight, I will just try harder the next week. I have a full month paid for, and I've made a promise for that month - if not longer.

My "Diva" of a Boyfriend

bought me this fabulous jacket.

He's the sweetest!

I love you, honey. :D

The GFU bookstore had a HUGE sale

So I bought:
a large blanket
two sweatshirts
two Soffe shorts for Sis
althletic shorts for me
a long sleeve waffle knit shirt
and a brown t-shirt (that I'm wearing)

for $40!!!!! It was all 75% off. Here's a pic:



The two Soffe shorts are for Amy, and one of the sweatshirts is for mom, I think. I can't decide which one.

and again.

Today was such a weird day. I slept in through my walk with Em. Then I had kind of a rough day, especially with that counseling class. So I vowed to work out after sex class. But in class we talked about homosexuality, and it just made me mad, they way they talked about it. Anyway, I decided I didn't really want to work out. But on my way back I met my WW friend, Amber. We agreed to work out at 5:15. So I went to dinner at 4:30.

It was so weird - I was hungry, but not THAT hungry. But they had "good" food that I was excited about. I ate so fast.... I kept thinking about how sinful the meal was, how I was eating fast - it was a warning sign. But I don't know of what....

I did end up working out with Amber. But 15 min. cardio and 15 min. weights only add up to 2 points. But I still did it. I only have 3 flex points left for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Which is fine...but I guess I just feel bad about today. I feel like I've blown it...and its just too soon to tell.

I don't know. I feel so uncomfortable and .....kinda sad.

I won something!

I got an e-mail this morning saying that I won something from Pursebuzz. Here's the link:

here!

Here's a pic:


It doesn't have a description, but it looks like a Sugar palette, an Italian Badger fan brush (good, I need a good one!), a Stila lip glaze pencil, a MAC eyeliner of some sort, a Clinique mascara, perhaps a blush or MES from MAC, and an Anastasia brow set!

I won a brow set from Anastasia from SugarShock a few months ago, so perhaps I'll sell this or give it as a gift.

Certainly helps make my day brighter. I can't wait to get it in the mail. :)

What is wrong with me?

I cancelled my walk with Em this morning - I was just soooo tired. So I got up, messed around, made some breakfast, and went for work for an hour. It was good because I had a lot to do. Apparently, though, I was doing them in the wrong order. Silly boss.

Then I went to Advanced Counseling. Lately, every time I go to class, I feel like such a loser. Like I can't do it. It's such a huge myriad of feelings, and I left class feeling like I needed to cry. I just feel like I can't do it. I need to study for the GRE, and also get caught up on my normal school work. I don't think I'm going to apply to grad school just yet, but apply to the CADC program and get to be a certified addiction specialist. Then I can go back and get a masters later.

I'm also frustrated. I still haven't heard back from LB - I think I'm going to call them soon. I thought I had that job in the bag. And I've been so responsible with my money....

After lunch I work for an hour, and then I have one more class. I think I'll go to the gym and do a quick workout. Then come back, clean up, and go to the library and get some stuff d0ne. Maybe that will make me feel better. Well...maybe workout, dinner, and then come back. That might work.

Tomorrow I agreed to take an extra shift, so I work 10:30 -12:20, and then have class until 1:30, and then 3:30 - 5:00. I think mom is coming up in that 1:30 window to buy some stuff for Christmas because we're having a big sale.

I just feel eh today.

I'm posting this here only so I'll remember to use it when I get paid.

Since I'm at it...

I'll post some make-up lustings. Just because. It's $212.50. I had to stop, because some of these things I'm SERIOUSLY lusting for. Like the Stila kits. The holidays are a great time to buy make up because everything comes in sets. Much cheaper. This is another reason about working retail during the holidays - the materialism.

If I had a million dollars....

Baby Phat

Palazzo Pant

Ruffle Heels



Actually, it's only $376.48.

But thats more than I have, lol.

So I walk in the door...

and there's a HUGE ASS SPIDER sitting on my coat. I had to kill it and it was gross. I don't like killing things, but I just didn't want it running around and giving me bites. There's possibly a bit on my breast...ick.

Anyway. Boy came over and hung out with me today. I felt sad when he left, again, but then I went and had dinner. I was 6, I was kinda hungry, and its okay to eat...but I don't know why I felt so guilty. Like I feel like I was hiding it....when I think about it logically, it's alright. It's okay to eat. I had a normal dinner. And I was even a bit hungry. Great. Why do I feel like I was cheating on something or guilty for something?

Anyway - about the things I wanted to write about before.

Job.
I have almost a certain job at Lane Bryant at Washington Square (15 miles away, takes about 35 minutes). I know the job, discount is good, and I'd be making some extra money. I wouldn't be obligated to stay longer than January, but I would most likely have the option to.
I then saw a job posted on online - it's a coffeeshop in Sherwood, much closer than Wash.Sq.

Dad says, no jobs. You don't need it.
Mom says, LB. The opportunity is perfect.

It was a rough few days, but I think LB is the choice - I just need to get the official phone call.

What else did I need to write about? Oh, Weight Watchers. I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow night to see how things are. I'm very, very nervous about starting it again. Can I do it? I couldn't do it before. I still have to eat in the Bon - can I do it? I'm an emotional eater - can I do it? I've always been big - can I do it?

Ironic.

So, Boy left after spending some glorious time with me. We didn't do anything - watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour, cuddled, had pizza, took a walk - normal stuff. It was just nice being with each other.

But then he left.

And as I closed that door I had that sickening feeling. I'm alone, he's gone...I'm alone. I know it's not permanent, but I HATE that feeling.

So, I worked out. I made it for about 15 minutes before I decided that I was tired.

Feel like a failure? Anyway...

I need to go now, but things I want to talk about next time:

*jobs
*Weight Watchers


:D

Does anybody read this?

I'm stressed.

1.) I keep sleeping in. No more melatonin for awhile.
2.) I have a job interview; yay, but I'm worried about the distance and how much money I'll actually take away.
3.) My period is MIA.
4.) I have a work review in 5 minutes. Then a presentation. Then I need to write a paper.
5.) I consistently have no money.

:(

At work...

and listening to big band. Weird. These people have weird music taste. I can't wait to go home, slip into some PJ's and do some stuff. I'm thinking dishes, restocking the fridge with more water, picking up, and possibly even a short little workout (I'll explain why in a minute).

Today was a good day. I slept through step aerobics, but that's okay. I cleaned up, met Em for lunch, went to work, went to class, did some homework, went to work, did some homework, and now I'm at work. See a pattern? I've only got about 20 minutes left, though.

I've decided that I have almost exactly two months until Christmas. That's 8 weeks. I want to lose 10 pounds. But how am I going to do that? Ah-ha!
*1 liter (at least) of water a day.
*20 minutes workout activity a day.
*write down what I eat.
*3 servings of fruits and veggies.

Sweets are my downfall. I'm going to try to have a normal dessert after dinner, instead of sweets throughout the day. I know that dessert every day is a bit much - but it's a huge step for me. When I get home I'm going to make a schedule thing so I can mark off all of my goals each day. And the fruits and veggies may be hard to do, because of my money situation. I have a small meal plan at school, but sometimes it's hard to get those things. Also, I'm very low on money, and honestly, fresh produce is just a lot. Next time I go to the store I'll try to get some bananas or something.

If I do all of those things consistently and DON'T lose 10 pounds, fine. But I will have made SO much personal progress....

:)

Okayyy.....

This is getting old...I'm so stressed and confused. Okay... pressing matter of the moment: grad school.

I've figured out that a Masters for counseling is great when going into working with addictions. But you don't *have* to have one. I want one, because it's been a goal, and because it will better ensure a job and better job options. K.

I signed up for the GRE ( a pre-req. for most, if not all, grad programs) on Thanksgiving weekend. It's a month away. I have not studied, and I don't see too much time.

So I want to push my GRE test date back....perhaps until near or after graduation. That way the info will still be in my mind, and I'll have more time to study.

The problem with that is, I will have to wait for applications to grad school. Which may actually be a good idea. I've been so stressed with all this lately, I'm thinking about just giving myself some time. I'm scared, though, because I DO want to go to grad school, so I don't want to wait and risk not going.

Ugh. This sounds so much better written down - why is it so hard in my head?

What is wrong with me?

I got Taco Bell today (I was truly hungry), and I bought ice cream sandwiches and had too many. Even though I was truly hungry when I had Taco Bell, I was thinking about it...wanting it. And those ice cream sandwiches too.

I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm so..........confused and upset.

Aaaaaaannnndddd......

binge.

So I walked into work...

and my boss asked me if I needed any coffee. LOL - I must look terrible. Actually, I do. Last night was so rough....so rough. I ended up crying, taking a bit of a nap, and then got ready to see a movie with Em. We saw An American Carol - so funny! The night ended well, but it made for sleeping hard and puffy eyes in the morning.

So, I got a bran muffin and some hot chocolate. I'm skipping class now. I just feel so gross and not like going, so I'm going to clean up the apartment. That always makes me feel better.

Tomorrow I finally get to have hugs from the Boy. I need them so bad...I know that I have family and friends, but I still feel alone. Alone in this apartment, alone in the school/grad school thing, alone in my insane anxiety...its just really tough and really getting to me. I just want to relax and I don't think I can. I need a break so bad.

Anyway. I suppose I should get going on some stuff.

I hate how I feel.

I have constant headaches. And anxious feelings. I'm supposed to feel better after switching my medications.

I'm supposed to go see a therapist tomorrow, but I'm not sure I need one...

I'm just very confused right now. About so many things. Sooooo many things.

:(

Nothing boosts you like....

a job interview that might actually work out! I've been on dozens of job interviews over the summer and into school...and nothing has worked out right - namely due to my schedule. But I had one today with the City...the hours will work, it's work that I've done for years before, its part time, pays well, and is for only 6 months. (Which is good, because I'll graduate after that, and who knows where life will take me?) I need to stop thinking about it and focus on everything else in my life at the moment...but there you go. :D

I came back and cleaned up the apartment a bit. I hate when it's a mess. Em is coming over in a little bit and we're going to have a study date. Which means that we'll get a little bit of homework done, but not a lot. And I think I'm going to make banana bread since my oven is working :D

I'm excited for this weekend - I'm leaving for Spokane with the family to visit the undergrad school at Whitworth (for Amy) and the grad program (for me). I'm just ready to get away. Everything has been so stressful lately. I actually decided before this last interview that I wasn't going to apply for any more for awhile. Yes, I need the money, but, no, I can't do this much longer. It's only a quick weekend. But I need to get away from here, get some stuff sorted out, and spend time with the family. Hopefully that'll rejuvenate me a bit.

I also get my paycheck when I come back, and a new phone from Verizon. I HATE my phone. It's a chocolate, and its been nothing but trouble. That's so exciting. Then on Monday we don't have school, so I have my last med-check with Dr. Perez, and then my first counseling appointment with the guy he recommended. I'm not sure I want to take on anything else right now. I guess I'll go to the intake interview, and then decide if the benefits will outweigh the cost.

In other news...I've only worked out twice this week. Wretched.
In other, OTHER news, my knees have been bothering me. Especially on stairs - they just feel weak and creaky.

p.s. I need some serious plans for Halloween. I serisouly need to get some party going on here.

This makes me angry.

So I go to an online forum sometimes. It's focused around fitness, but it truly covers every topic.

Some woman posted today. Apparently, she's an athiest, but she let her children decide if they wanted to go to church with her father, and they do. Great. And a woman at church approached her, asking if her children were going to be taking the "Sex ed" class they were doing. Now, I have no idea what type of format it would be, but I assume they would take the abstinence approach and the pro-life approach.

This woman is appalled at the thought and doesn't want to let her children participate. This makes me angry because:

1. If your kids are old enough to make their own decisions about going to church, they're old enough to make a decision about going to class or not.
2. You could use it as a launching board; to facilitate discussions about sex. I believe that no institution should be the ONLY informative basis on sex (or anything, really). So if she's learning from church, she should learn from school, and, most importantly, PARENTS.
3. This woman assumed that because the church was teaching it, it was going to be totally against what SHE believes. And that may be the case, but her children may decide to believe parts of it or not.

God. I don't consider myself a Christian, really, but I'm SICK of people hearing the word "church" and run screaming the other way. Yes, there is corruption in the church. There is also corruption on Wall Street. There's corruption in the school system. There's corruption everywhere. Granted, the church may be more dangerous because they claim to be THE voice of God...

I don't know why that pisses me off so much. I'm very happy that that woman is not forcing her children to go to church OR to not go to church. I'm glad they have that option. But I want them to have a FAIR shot of learning about what they believe.

And the craziness continues.

So...today I left for class, and left my keys in my apartment. That was a bit of a hassle. I had an interview that was today that I THOUGHT was tomorrow, so that was a hassle, too.

But, some positives. I stopped by Goodwill on the way home and got a cool workout video that I've wanted to try. I did a short workout with it tonight. That makes 9 workouts since the first. Which is more than I've done in one month in awhile. I have a monthly calendar hanging up, with all my workouts highlighted and written in so I can see them. I'm very proud of myself for sticking with something - ANYTHING - for more than a week.

And my eating plan thing...
*no fast food.
*write down what I eat.
*at LEAST a liter of water a day - hopefully more.

Let's just stick with that for now. I'm not putting any restrictions on my eating, what I can/can't have, but I do want to focus on regular meal times and not snacking a lot.

I'm updating my ipod right now, I intend to go for a walk tomorrow. I work 9:30-12:30, and then I have a class, so I'm done by 1:30. I'll probably go for my walk then. (I'll have a small break for lunch in there somewhere). That will put me at three workouts for the week. I'd like to do one on Saturday, but we'll see.

I made an appointment for my dermatologist for that weird thing on my stomach. I also made an appointment with another therapist that my other doctor recommended. We'll see if I need to go. The woman I talked to on the phone did NOT understand me. No one else that I speak to on the phone seems to have trouble understanding me, but that woman was just...ugh. Which reminds me - I need to print off some paperwork to take in there.

So back to my interview. I ended up getting there, and everything seemed fine. The thing that is getting to me is the scheduling. The scheduling that I have is just NOT cool...I told them I was available at times that I'm actually at work at the bookstore, hoping that I could rearrange that a bit. I want the job, but I don't want to rearrange with everything else that's gone on. (People switching with me on Thursday, and then the whole thing yesterday). I don't know...I hope it works out...I dunno.

So...I'm not feeling too hot.

*I had to get out of work for an hour today. Apparently the way I did it was wrong, and I got scolded. I do understand, I just feel so guilty.
*I went home for dinner tonight, and found out that I had over drafted my account. My mom had written up everything, and everything is going to be fine...but again I feel so guilty.
*A friend is very depressed, and I feel guilty because I can't do anything about it.
*I was confronted with how much fast food I've eaten lately, and it's not pretty. Again, guilty.

I'm making a bit of a game plan now - about how I'm going to fix the fast food thing. And the other things are going to be okay....this guilty is just really making me uncomfortable. :(

So...

Okay.

I'm fat.
I want it to change.
Well, I want my body image to change. And THEN I want to lose weight.
I don't like how self conscious I am, especially around my boyfriend. It's not fair to him and I don't like it.

Question: how to change it? Diet and exercise. Duh.

I've been working out a lot lately, and that's good. But since moving to my own place, I've been eating what I want. Rarely having an actual binge, but rather not denying myself fattening foods. That makes me feel gross, and I don't like that, either.

Problem: I always fail. I feel like I can't do it.

That's the big delimma. I feel like, yeah, I could change the food, too, but I have an all or nothing attitude...and that's why I always fail.

Fail is such a strong word.

Maybe I should just set some boundaries for myself. And then if I don't end up being able to follow through, I shouldn't be to hard on myself. If I can do the exercise, I can do the food, right?

I need to get rid of the urgency I feel.

This makes me sick.

Late last month President Bush and his Health and Human Services Secretary, Mike Leavitt, announced a new rule that would allow employees of organizations that receive federal funding to deny healthcare service if that service is contrary to their personal, religious, or ethical beliefs. It also allows discrimination against women who try and gain accesss to reproductive health information and services.

This new rule is directly targeted to restrict access to reproductive health care.

The effects of these regulations are numerous as they expand the power of healthcare providers to refuse to provide even basic information, counseling and referrals for important health care services.

Since this proposed rule is in the public comment stage, you are able to comment electronically. You may submit electronic comments on this regulation to http://www.Regulations.gov or via e-mail to consciencecomment@hhs.gov. To submit electronic comments to www.Regulations.gov, go to the Web site and click on the link “Comment or Submission” and enter key words "provider conscience."

It's been awhile!

Whew. What's been going on:

-school started. I'm on my third week. Woohoo. Things are going well so far, though.
-I have ten hours a week at my campus job, still looking for something else.
-I'm driving the Boy in to the dentist tomorrow: he's probably going to have some emergency surgery done. He's scared, but he needs it.
-I'm doing well in my new apartment. I can't figure out how my bathroom and my floor keeps getting so freaking dirty. I truly have no idea. And I hate doing dishes.
-I've started looking at grad schools and am scared out of my freaking mind.
-I've done 6 workouts in 12 days and I'm pretty darn proud because some of them were super hard.
-I signed up for Netflix. I'm pretty excited. :D You can get workout DVDs from them, too. I have one of them right now and then my next one will be a movie, In Bruge. I'm excited to see it, because, heck, I was in Bruge! I should probably invite Em over and make it a movie night.

I think that's about it...I really need to post more. I came up with a hurdle that I'm facing with my body image. I've learned to label my inner critic (Harriet) and I've learned to talk back to her, but it's hard to talk back when there is truth in what is being "said." It's hard to be positive when you KNOW you're fat, when you KNOW you're not attractive in certain areas. Working out does help, though. I just need to do it VERY consistently, not take more than two days off in a row. And I worked out today, so now I feel fine.

I'll be sticking around Nick's place tomorrow while he's here recuperating. I brought a bunch of my homework, so I can definitely just hang out and do some work while I make sure he takes his meds.

Nighty night. :D

First Day of School

Today was my first day back at classes. I showed up to work at 8:00, then went to step aerobics at 9:40. I'm SO excited for that class! It'll be an easy way to get some exercise in. Then I had Cognition at 12:40. I was nervous, but I think I can handle that class. Tomorrow I have Advanced Counseling, Senior Seminar, and Human Sexuality. I'm sooooo psyched! Nervous about some things: I'd like to find another job and I need to find an internship. But I'm excited for my classes. :D

I wish I had more to post, but I really don't. Oh, I went to my CCO yesterday and picked up Pharaoh paint pot - and that other McQueen one, the blue one. Then I got Crystal Rose lipglass (gorgeous color!), and I picked up the Heatherette beauty powder in Smooth Harmony - I had meant to pick up Alpha Girl. So I'm going to go exchange it soon.

Anyway. :D

Mini Haul.

Mini haul! My uni. bookstore had 50% off Prestige makeup, so I bought a few things.

Wet/Dry Foundation in Wheat
Liquid Liner in Black
E/S in Blanc
Blush/Highlighter in Tapestry
Blush/Highlighter in Seagrass
Lipgloss in Kaui
Eyeliner in Lightening
Lipliner in Amore
Lipliner in Kiss
Lipliner in Love
Lightshine in Wild Orchid
Lightshine in Freesia
Lightshine in Calla

All of this for $28. :D

Actually, I bought TWO lightshines in Freesia on accident. Oops! It was nice to be able to buy a few things. :)

Things I'm Excited to Buy

I'm sooooo looking forward to fall. There are some things that I REALLY want to buy this season (cuz I haven' boughten anything in a LONG time).

I finally need to buy some calf-length boots. It's hard, because I have wide calves and am on a budget. But maybe something like this:


I'd also like to get a good pair of trouser jeans. There's one at Lane Bryant that I'm eyeing:



They would go great with a top like this for fall parties:
pic won't work


I'm also looking forward to the perfect red lipstick. There's a few from MAC that I'll try - or maybe Clinique. I like their buttershines. Also, a dark wine/burgundy nail color. Heaven! I think that's all I'll need for fall....what are you guys looking forward to?

Frustrated.

I spent all day (9 hours) at a customer service training for my new campus job. Ugh. I hate customer service trainings because I've been through it EVERYWHERE. And even though I like the people that I'm working for, they just like to hear themselves talk. That frustrates me.

I haven't heard from the other job. I have a headache. Still no money. Expecting things in the mail that haven't come. Need an internship, don't know where to start.


*whine*

All moved in.

So last night was the first night in my new place. :) The day was so long. I spent the morning packing up a few things, and then mom and I took them over to the new place. Then we went to the grocery store and bought some food for me; we spent $150 and I hope I will NEVER have to spend that much again. We did buy a Swiffer, computer paper, and a lot of basics for the kitchen (Pam, oil, etc). From now on it'll just be maintenance.

Then boy came over and I made him dinner. :D It was just Tuna Helper, but I added an extra can of tuna to up the protein, and some corn to get some veggies in. I was going to make a salad, but neither of us felt like it.

Then we went to the drive-in to see The Dark Knight (after picking up some chocolate at the store. :p). The movie was so good - I loved Heath Ledger's character. I felt guilty loving him, because he was the bad guy, but the movie was all about him. Soooo good. Boy dropped me off about 11:30. I was nervous for him to leave, because I was nervous about my first night. But I watched a little of a DVD, read, and went to bed. I woke up and had a bowl of cereal and it felt completely normal. :D

In other news, I had an interview someplace PERFECT for me. I don't know if I've posted about it before, but it's a retirement home down the street from me. Literally, I can walk it in two minutes. It's only 10 hours a week at minimum wage, but I also have that other 5 hour a week job. And while full time in school, I hate to work more than 20, so this is perfect. I know that it doesn't pay a lot, but since I can walk to school and (hopefully) to work, I'll almost never be driving. I'll save so much money! And I did the math - I will be perfectly fine saving and buying things I need. I thought the interview went well, and I just really, really, really, REALLY want it. :D Cross your fingers for me!

Well, I should get going. More later. :D

Why do these need titles?

I went to the doctor yesterday to talk about my anxiety. I told her that I've been on antidepressants for awhile, but I think that I have more anxiety than depression. I ended up crying during the appointment - and she referred me to a therapist who is also a registered nurse. I made an appointment with him am excited to maybe get the right medicine dosage or something.

I also just finished a book about a woman who lost weight (and worked her ass off). And Boy has lost weight. I feel motivated, but I also feel like "why start?" I just know that I'll fail. I am excited to use some of my workout videos when I move into my new place. And I've signed up for a step aerobics class twice a week at Fox.

Anyway. I'm going to get my hair cut today. I'm excited but also very nervous. I have a job interview on Thursday - gosh, I just want a job.

P.S.

I'm also very bummed that MAC has come out with some new launches and I haven't been able to pick anything up. :(

This no-job thing is getting very, very old. I just want to cry.

Shopping.

Mom, Amy and I went shopping for some school stuff. I made away with two pairs of jeans, 11 pairs of panties (for $40!!!!!), a purse, a candle for my apartment (pomegranate!), and two pairs of workout capris (for $6.49 each!), and a pair of sunglasses (my others broke). Amy got some shirts, a wallet, and she got some jeans earlier. It was a busy day.

For part of the day I felt really bad about myself. It's nothing new, I know. I just wish it wouldn't happen. The weird thing is, the scale says I'm losing about 2 pounds a week (and I don't know what the hell I'm doing).

I was also thinking about relationships. How much is one expected to change for the other?Once you know something about them won't work out, how long do you stick it out? I just don't know. I wish I had someone other than my mom to talk to about relationships.

My new place!

Here are some pics that I took today when I took an initial load of stuff over. Just some cleaning supplies and silverware and stuff.

OMG don't think I'm obsessed.

But I came across these wedding vows and think they're wonderful :) (Even though I'm nowhere near marriage!)

Groom
I promise to encourage your compassion,
Because that is what makes you unique and wonderful.
I promise to nurture your dreams,
Because through them your soul shines.
I promise to help shoulder our challenges,
For there is nothing we cannot face if we stand together.
I promise to be your partner in all things,
Not possessing you, but working with you as a part of the whole.
Lastly, I promise to you perfect love and perfect trust,
For one lifetime with you could never be enough.
This is my sacred vow to you, my equal in all things.

Bride
I promise to encourage your individuality,
Because that is what makes you unique and wonderful.
I promise to nurture your dreams,
Because through them your soul shines.
I promise to help shoulder our challenges,
Because through them we'll emerge stronger.
I promise to be your partner in all things,
Not possessing you, but working with you as a part of the whole.
I promise to share with you the joys of life,
Because with you they will be that much sweeter.
Lastly, I promise to you perfect love and perfect trust,
For one lifetime with you could never be enough.
This is my sacred vow to you, my equal in all things

Exercpt from "Ask Again Later."

I daydream - and get paid for it. I recall a scene from An Officer and a Gentleman. At the end of the movie Richard Gere, dressed in his naval whites, goes into a factory, picks up Debra Winger, and carries her out of that depressing place with all of those dirty machines.

I wish that would happen to me. Of course the whole time I'd be worried that the guy was trying to guess my weight or something. I realize how truly pathetic I am. Some guy in a uniform drags his woman out of the work-place to stick her in a house to cook and possibly clip coupons, and I am starting to buy into it, into the anti-female propaganda disguised as romance. As soon as he picks her up, things have to head south from there, because at some point, he has to put her down.

Jill A. Davis

I'm getting so sick of this.

Since being without a job my days suck. Nothing to do. I go on interviews and do housework and apply, apply, apply....but still boring.

The worst part is that I'm just eating all the time. (Vacation didn't help, either). I want to start taking care of that, but without a routine in my life it just seems stupid. I'd like to do some sort of liquid thing for a day or two - just to get back to eating normal food. But I don't know if I can with nothing to take my mind off of food. (How sick does that sound?)

I'll try it tomorrow and see how it goes. I feel like I should start packing, but I also have to live here for 10 days, and there's not much that I can do without.

I just want a job. :(

Alright - it's been awhile.

I'm back from Reno. The trip was good - the 9 hour drive was NOT. I have a pretty effed up back, and sitting did NOT help it. I took more ibuprofen than I care to mention. But it was sunny - about 90 degrees. We went gambling, I came out $130 ahead. (But $50 is already gone; I had brunch with roommate, got gas, and a few things for the apartment - and I need to get gas again). I had a few drinks and spent a day lounging around in the sun. Nice.

Came back. Spent Saturday with Boy. We had a nice time, but we were both in lousy moods, so it wasn't that great. Sunday we went up to Washington to visit with the grandparents - the ones that we haven't seen all summer. Probably since Easter.

Then this morning I had a job interview. Didn't go well - they couldn't work with my availability. That really sucks. I am still waiting to hear on a few applications....I'm just getting very frustrated. I also need to get a hold of the school to fix some of my financial and living arrangements.

And I still need to go to the Dollar Store and pick up the cleaning and products that I'm going to need. I move in on the 21st, which is 10 days. TEN DAYS! Ugh. I'm a ball of nerves. I've packed up a few things, but not nearly everything. I guess I can start doing some of my clothes and such.

Gah.

I got the apartment!

Oh, I'm so excited! I called the lady (H) today to see when she might be able to make a decision. She said that I was her choice, but there was another girl from L.A. that was desperate for housing, too. She said that she would call me by the end of the day for sure, and oh boy...I was stressed all day.

She called, asked if I could make a $100 deposit and when I'd like to move in. Then she said it was mine! Oh - its absolutely perfect. I'm going to try to go drop off the deposit tomorrow (along with a thank you card), and hopefully my dad can come. I'm going to take pictures. :D I'm so excited to go shopping for the basic house stuff! My grandma said she's take me to the Dollar Store (since the majority of what I need is cleaning, and thats a great place to get it). It is so close to campus, has a kitchen, a bed, bathroom, closet space......its absolutely perfect. I am SO excited to have my own place.

My parents are going to be paying my rent until I graduate (because I can't work enough in school to do it). But hopefully I'll be able to take care of it myself afterwards, so that I don't have to move and give up that great studio. I didn't plan to do grad school at Fox, but I just might. The only problem is that its a doctorate track - you get your Masters and Doctorate in 5 years. You can't just get a Masters and let that be that. I hadn't planned on that. It'd be great to be Dr. Jill, but I am terrified of writing a dissertation. I don't know if I'm smart enough.

Well. That can be on hold for a bit.

Tomorrow I get to go to the Boy's company picnic (ha - I feel like a Stepford wife!). He's also making dinner for his roommates, so hopefully I can go. I know I'm invited - its just a matter of me getting gas, cuz I'd hate for him to have to commute that much. Anyway.

Then, Sunday, at like, 3:00 in the morning, we're leaving for Reno. I'm excited to have a margarita. :D

Anyway. I'm very excited. :D

More frustration.

I just went through some of my old journals. I have DOZENS and dozens of them. And they are almost always unfinished (usually with only a few pages filled), and they ALWAYS contain some sort of diet plan, or a food journal, or something. I've done Christian plans where I use Scripture as a reason to not overeat (didn't work). I simply can't name all of the plans I've tried. How many times I've cried, how broken I feel, why can't I just DO it? Other people can? I just...feel broken. I need my eating to be fixed. And because I can't fix it, I'm not only responsible, I'm also too weak to make it better. I truly, honestly, don't know what to do about my weight. I'm afraid if I give up I'll just get bigger. But if I keep fighting, I'll drive myself insane.

And I was very excited to write this post, because I really do want your input and advice. But then I got online and checked my e-mail; the apartment I was hoping for, and the best option that I had come across didn't work out. It was a house that a bunch of students were going to rent. Boys in the house, and me in the converted garage. They decided to put boys everywhere. Now I still don't have a place to live. I answered an ad today on the school's website for a studio apartment - ugh. I don't what I'm going to do.

In honor of my 100th post...

I give you this fine photo:

Beauty.

The comments on my last post really made me think. I still feel the way that the postcard writer feels, but that doesn't mean that I should. Sometimes I hate being logical. I know that buying into that belief is nothing but heartache and pain. Yet I do when I'm at my most vulnerable (and other times, too).

I have a boyfriend now. For the first time. And when we began to date, I told myself that I was not going to make him my everything. Because I want to be independent. We both have our own lives, and now each other. But five months later, I sometimes find myself wondering what will happen if we break up. I don't want that to happen, but I guess I think about it to keep perspective. Kind of like when I think about my dog dying. I don't want to, but I know I'll be devastated when he does, so I try to prepare myself. I guess that's not healthy for a relationship. He's said that my insecurity can come across as neediness - and that bothers him (as it should - it would bother me). He can't help my insecurity. I used to think that a boyfriend would change that, even though I knew that it wouldn't. And it hasn't. It's left me a bit confused.

And then I came across this PostSecret today:


It says "We accept the love we think we deserve." What I get from this is that our demeanor, personality, actions - all generate one type of love. Sometimes it can be an abusive relationship (I'm not for one second blaming the abuse on anyone but the abuser - but there are certain qualities that bring certain people together). I don't think I'm making any sense. I just don't know what to do with this secret.

It makes me think of my boyfriend. I often think that I would like him to be more spontaneous, romantic, etc. But WHY do I want that? I want to believe that those actions would make me feel less insecure, etc. But that's not true. Gah. I love the relationship I have. I don't want to change my boyfriend. It's my insecurity that is making me insane.

Do you ladies/gents have any thoughts on this?

This is sad.

This makes me so sad...I know that virtually every girl in America (at least) feel that beauty buys relationships, and then relationships buy happiness. Since when is beauty currency? Dumb question, I know.