If I had a million dollars....

Baby Phat

Palazzo Pant

Ruffle Heels



Actually, it's only $376.48.

But thats more than I have, lol.

So I walk in the door...

and there's a HUGE ASS SPIDER sitting on my coat. I had to kill it and it was gross. I don't like killing things, but I just didn't want it running around and giving me bites. There's possibly a bit on my breast...ick.

Anyway. Boy came over and hung out with me today. I felt sad when he left, again, but then I went and had dinner. I was 6, I was kinda hungry, and its okay to eat...but I don't know why I felt so guilty. Like I feel like I was hiding it....when I think about it logically, it's alright. It's okay to eat. I had a normal dinner. And I was even a bit hungry. Great. Why do I feel like I was cheating on something or guilty for something?

Anyway - about the things I wanted to write about before.

Job.
I have almost a certain job at Lane Bryant at Washington Square (15 miles away, takes about 35 minutes). I know the job, discount is good, and I'd be making some extra money. I wouldn't be obligated to stay longer than January, but I would most likely have the option to.
I then saw a job posted on online - it's a coffeeshop in Sherwood, much closer than Wash.Sq.

Dad says, no jobs. You don't need it.
Mom says, LB. The opportunity is perfect.

It was a rough few days, but I think LB is the choice - I just need to get the official phone call.

What else did I need to write about? Oh, Weight Watchers. I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow night to see how things are. I'm very, very nervous about starting it again. Can I do it? I couldn't do it before. I still have to eat in the Bon - can I do it? I'm an emotional eater - can I do it? I've always been big - can I do it?

Ironic.

So, Boy left after spending some glorious time with me. We didn't do anything - watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour, cuddled, had pizza, took a walk - normal stuff. It was just nice being with each other.

But then he left.

And as I closed that door I had that sickening feeling. I'm alone, he's gone...I'm alone. I know it's not permanent, but I HATE that feeling.

So, I worked out. I made it for about 15 minutes before I decided that I was tired.

Feel like a failure? Anyway...

I need to go now, but things I want to talk about next time:

*jobs
*Weight Watchers


:D

Does anybody read this?

I'm stressed.

1.) I keep sleeping in. No more melatonin for awhile.
2.) I have a job interview; yay, but I'm worried about the distance and how much money I'll actually take away.
3.) My period is MIA.
4.) I have a work review in 5 minutes. Then a presentation. Then I need to write a paper.
5.) I consistently have no money.

:(

At work...

and listening to big band. Weird. These people have weird music taste. I can't wait to go home, slip into some PJ's and do some stuff. I'm thinking dishes, restocking the fridge with more water, picking up, and possibly even a short little workout (I'll explain why in a minute).

Today was a good day. I slept through step aerobics, but that's okay. I cleaned up, met Em for lunch, went to work, went to class, did some homework, went to work, did some homework, and now I'm at work. See a pattern? I've only got about 20 minutes left, though.

I've decided that I have almost exactly two months until Christmas. That's 8 weeks. I want to lose 10 pounds. But how am I going to do that? Ah-ha!
*1 liter (at least) of water a day.
*20 minutes workout activity a day.
*write down what I eat.
*3 servings of fruits and veggies.

Sweets are my downfall. I'm going to try to have a normal dessert after dinner, instead of sweets throughout the day. I know that dessert every day is a bit much - but it's a huge step for me. When I get home I'm going to make a schedule thing so I can mark off all of my goals each day. And the fruits and veggies may be hard to do, because of my money situation. I have a small meal plan at school, but sometimes it's hard to get those things. Also, I'm very low on money, and honestly, fresh produce is just a lot. Next time I go to the store I'll try to get some bananas or something.

If I do all of those things consistently and DON'T lose 10 pounds, fine. But I will have made SO much personal progress....

:)

Okayyy.....

This is getting old...I'm so stressed and confused. Okay... pressing matter of the moment: grad school.

I've figured out that a Masters for counseling is great when going into working with addictions. But you don't *have* to have one. I want one, because it's been a goal, and because it will better ensure a job and better job options. K.

I signed up for the GRE ( a pre-req. for most, if not all, grad programs) on Thanksgiving weekend. It's a month away. I have not studied, and I don't see too much time.

So I want to push my GRE test date back....perhaps until near or after graduation. That way the info will still be in my mind, and I'll have more time to study.

The problem with that is, I will have to wait for applications to grad school. Which may actually be a good idea. I've been so stressed with all this lately, I'm thinking about just giving myself some time. I'm scared, though, because I DO want to go to grad school, so I don't want to wait and risk not going.

Ugh. This sounds so much better written down - why is it so hard in my head?

What is wrong with me?

I got Taco Bell today (I was truly hungry), and I bought ice cream sandwiches and had too many. Even though I was truly hungry when I had Taco Bell, I was thinking about it...wanting it. And those ice cream sandwiches too.

I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm so..........confused and upset.

Aaaaaaannnndddd......

binge.

So I walked into work...

and my boss asked me if I needed any coffee. LOL - I must look terrible. Actually, I do. Last night was so rough....so rough. I ended up crying, taking a bit of a nap, and then got ready to see a movie with Em. We saw An American Carol - so funny! The night ended well, but it made for sleeping hard and puffy eyes in the morning.

So, I got a bran muffin and some hot chocolate. I'm skipping class now. I just feel so gross and not like going, so I'm going to clean up the apartment. That always makes me feel better.

Tomorrow I finally get to have hugs from the Boy. I need them so bad...I know that I have family and friends, but I still feel alone. Alone in this apartment, alone in the school/grad school thing, alone in my insane anxiety...its just really tough and really getting to me. I just want to relax and I don't think I can. I need a break so bad.

Anyway. I suppose I should get going on some stuff.

I hate how I feel.

I have constant headaches. And anxious feelings. I'm supposed to feel better after switching my medications.

I'm supposed to go see a therapist tomorrow, but I'm not sure I need one...

I'm just very confused right now. About so many things. Sooooo many things.

:(

Nothing boosts you like....

a job interview that might actually work out! I've been on dozens of job interviews over the summer and into school...and nothing has worked out right - namely due to my schedule. But I had one today with the City...the hours will work, it's work that I've done for years before, its part time, pays well, and is for only 6 months. (Which is good, because I'll graduate after that, and who knows where life will take me?) I need to stop thinking about it and focus on everything else in my life at the moment...but there you go. :D

I came back and cleaned up the apartment a bit. I hate when it's a mess. Em is coming over in a little bit and we're going to have a study date. Which means that we'll get a little bit of homework done, but not a lot. And I think I'm going to make banana bread since my oven is working :D

I'm excited for this weekend - I'm leaving for Spokane with the family to visit the undergrad school at Whitworth (for Amy) and the grad program (for me). I'm just ready to get away. Everything has been so stressful lately. I actually decided before this last interview that I wasn't going to apply for any more for awhile. Yes, I need the money, but, no, I can't do this much longer. It's only a quick weekend. But I need to get away from here, get some stuff sorted out, and spend time with the family. Hopefully that'll rejuvenate me a bit.

I also get my paycheck when I come back, and a new phone from Verizon. I HATE my phone. It's a chocolate, and its been nothing but trouble. That's so exciting. Then on Monday we don't have school, so I have my last med-check with Dr. Perez, and then my first counseling appointment with the guy he recommended. I'm not sure I want to take on anything else right now. I guess I'll go to the intake interview, and then decide if the benefits will outweigh the cost.

In other news...I've only worked out twice this week. Wretched.
In other, OTHER news, my knees have been bothering me. Especially on stairs - they just feel weak and creaky.

p.s. I need some serious plans for Halloween. I serisouly need to get some party going on here.

This makes me angry.

So I go to an online forum sometimes. It's focused around fitness, but it truly covers every topic.

Some woman posted today. Apparently, she's an athiest, but she let her children decide if they wanted to go to church with her father, and they do. Great. And a woman at church approached her, asking if her children were going to be taking the "Sex ed" class they were doing. Now, I have no idea what type of format it would be, but I assume they would take the abstinence approach and the pro-life approach.

This woman is appalled at the thought and doesn't want to let her children participate. This makes me angry because:

1. If your kids are old enough to make their own decisions about going to church, they're old enough to make a decision about going to class or not.
2. You could use it as a launching board; to facilitate discussions about sex. I believe that no institution should be the ONLY informative basis on sex (or anything, really). So if she's learning from church, she should learn from school, and, most importantly, PARENTS.
3. This woman assumed that because the church was teaching it, it was going to be totally against what SHE believes. And that may be the case, but her children may decide to believe parts of it or not.

God. I don't consider myself a Christian, really, but I'm SICK of people hearing the word "church" and run screaming the other way. Yes, there is corruption in the church. There is also corruption on Wall Street. There's corruption in the school system. There's corruption everywhere. Granted, the church may be more dangerous because they claim to be THE voice of God...

I don't know why that pisses me off so much. I'm very happy that that woman is not forcing her children to go to church OR to not go to church. I'm glad they have that option. But I want them to have a FAIR shot of learning about what they believe.

And the craziness continues.

So...today I left for class, and left my keys in my apartment. That was a bit of a hassle. I had an interview that was today that I THOUGHT was tomorrow, so that was a hassle, too.

But, some positives. I stopped by Goodwill on the way home and got a cool workout video that I've wanted to try. I did a short workout with it tonight. That makes 9 workouts since the first. Which is more than I've done in one month in awhile. I have a monthly calendar hanging up, with all my workouts highlighted and written in so I can see them. I'm very proud of myself for sticking with something - ANYTHING - for more than a week.

And my eating plan thing...
*no fast food.
*write down what I eat.
*at LEAST a liter of water a day - hopefully more.

Let's just stick with that for now. I'm not putting any restrictions on my eating, what I can/can't have, but I do want to focus on regular meal times and not snacking a lot.

I'm updating my ipod right now, I intend to go for a walk tomorrow. I work 9:30-12:30, and then I have a class, so I'm done by 1:30. I'll probably go for my walk then. (I'll have a small break for lunch in there somewhere). That will put me at three workouts for the week. I'd like to do one on Saturday, but we'll see.

I made an appointment for my dermatologist for that weird thing on my stomach. I also made an appointment with another therapist that my other doctor recommended. We'll see if I need to go. The woman I talked to on the phone did NOT understand me. No one else that I speak to on the phone seems to have trouble understanding me, but that woman was just...ugh. Which reminds me - I need to print off some paperwork to take in there.

So back to my interview. I ended up getting there, and everything seemed fine. The thing that is getting to me is the scheduling. The scheduling that I have is just NOT cool...I told them I was available at times that I'm actually at work at the bookstore, hoping that I could rearrange that a bit. I want the job, but I don't want to rearrange with everything else that's gone on. (People switching with me on Thursday, and then the whole thing yesterday). I don't know...I hope it works out...I dunno.

So...I'm not feeling too hot.

*I had to get out of work for an hour today. Apparently the way I did it was wrong, and I got scolded. I do understand, I just feel so guilty.
*I went home for dinner tonight, and found out that I had over drafted my account. My mom had written up everything, and everything is going to be fine...but again I feel so guilty.
*A friend is very depressed, and I feel guilty because I can't do anything about it.
*I was confronted with how much fast food I've eaten lately, and it's not pretty. Again, guilty.

I'm making a bit of a game plan now - about how I'm going to fix the fast food thing. And the other things are going to be okay....this guilty is just really making me uncomfortable. :(

So...

Okay.

I'm fat.
I want it to change.
Well, I want my body image to change. And THEN I want to lose weight.
I don't like how self conscious I am, especially around my boyfriend. It's not fair to him and I don't like it.

Question: how to change it? Diet and exercise. Duh.

I've been working out a lot lately, and that's good. But since moving to my own place, I've been eating what I want. Rarely having an actual binge, but rather not denying myself fattening foods. That makes me feel gross, and I don't like that, either.

Problem: I always fail. I feel like I can't do it.

That's the big delimma. I feel like, yeah, I could change the food, too, but I have an all or nothing attitude...and that's why I always fail.

Fail is such a strong word.

Maybe I should just set some boundaries for myself. And then if I don't end up being able to follow through, I shouldn't be to hard on myself. If I can do the exercise, I can do the food, right?

I need to get rid of the urgency I feel.

This makes me sick.

Late last month President Bush and his Health and Human Services Secretary, Mike Leavitt, announced a new rule that would allow employees of organizations that receive federal funding to deny healthcare service if that service is contrary to their personal, religious, or ethical beliefs. It also allows discrimination against women who try and gain accesss to reproductive health information and services.

This new rule is directly targeted to restrict access to reproductive health care.

The effects of these regulations are numerous as they expand the power of healthcare providers to refuse to provide even basic information, counseling and referrals for important health care services.

Since this proposed rule is in the public comment stage, you are able to comment electronically. You may submit electronic comments on this regulation to http://www.Regulations.gov or via e-mail to consciencecomment@hhs.gov. To submit electronic comments to www.Regulations.gov, go to the Web site and click on the link “Comment or Submission” and enter key words "provider conscience."

It's been awhile!

Whew. What's been going on:

-school started. I'm on my third week. Woohoo. Things are going well so far, though.
-I have ten hours a week at my campus job, still looking for something else.
-I'm driving the Boy in to the dentist tomorrow: he's probably going to have some emergency surgery done. He's scared, but he needs it.
-I'm doing well in my new apartment. I can't figure out how my bathroom and my floor keeps getting so freaking dirty. I truly have no idea. And I hate doing dishes.
-I've started looking at grad schools and am scared out of my freaking mind.
-I've done 6 workouts in 12 days and I'm pretty darn proud because some of them were super hard.
-I signed up for Netflix. I'm pretty excited. :D You can get workout DVDs from them, too. I have one of them right now and then my next one will be a movie, In Bruge. I'm excited to see it, because, heck, I was in Bruge! I should probably invite Em over and make it a movie night.

I think that's about it...I really need to post more. I came up with a hurdle that I'm facing with my body image. I've learned to label my inner critic (Harriet) and I've learned to talk back to her, but it's hard to talk back when there is truth in what is being "said." It's hard to be positive when you KNOW you're fat, when you KNOW you're not attractive in certain areas. Working out does help, though. I just need to do it VERY consistently, not take more than two days off in a row. And I worked out today, so now I feel fine.

I'll be sticking around Nick's place tomorrow while he's here recuperating. I brought a bunch of my homework, so I can definitely just hang out and do some work while I make sure he takes his meds.

Nighty night. :D

First Day of School

Today was my first day back at classes. I showed up to work at 8:00, then went to step aerobics at 9:40. I'm SO excited for that class! It'll be an easy way to get some exercise in. Then I had Cognition at 12:40. I was nervous, but I think I can handle that class. Tomorrow I have Advanced Counseling, Senior Seminar, and Human Sexuality. I'm sooooo psyched! Nervous about some things: I'd like to find another job and I need to find an internship. But I'm excited for my classes. :D

I wish I had more to post, but I really don't. Oh, I went to my CCO yesterday and picked up Pharaoh paint pot - and that other McQueen one, the blue one. Then I got Crystal Rose lipglass (gorgeous color!), and I picked up the Heatherette beauty powder in Smooth Harmony - I had meant to pick up Alpha Girl. So I'm going to go exchange it soon.

Anyway. :D

Mini Haul.

Mini haul! My uni. bookstore had 50% off Prestige makeup, so I bought a few things.

Wet/Dry Foundation in Wheat
Liquid Liner in Black
E/S in Blanc
Blush/Highlighter in Tapestry
Blush/Highlighter in Seagrass
Lipgloss in Kaui
Eyeliner in Lightening
Lipliner in Amore
Lipliner in Kiss
Lipliner in Love
Lightshine in Wild Orchid
Lightshine in Freesia
Lightshine in Calla

All of this for $28. :D

Actually, I bought TWO lightshines in Freesia on accident. Oops! It was nice to be able to buy a few things. :)

Things I'm Excited to Buy

I'm sooooo looking forward to fall. There are some things that I REALLY want to buy this season (cuz I haven' boughten anything in a LONG time).

I finally need to buy some calf-length boots. It's hard, because I have wide calves and am on a budget. But maybe something like this:


I'd also like to get a good pair of trouser jeans. There's one at Lane Bryant that I'm eyeing:



They would go great with a top like this for fall parties:
pic won't work


I'm also looking forward to the perfect red lipstick. There's a few from MAC that I'll try - or maybe Clinique. I like their buttershines. Also, a dark wine/burgundy nail color. Heaven! I think that's all I'll need for fall....what are you guys looking forward to?

Frustrated.

I spent all day (9 hours) at a customer service training for my new campus job. Ugh. I hate customer service trainings because I've been through it EVERYWHERE. And even though I like the people that I'm working for, they just like to hear themselves talk. That frustrates me.

I haven't heard from the other job. I have a headache. Still no money. Expecting things in the mail that haven't come. Need an internship, don't know where to start.


*whine*

All moved in.

So last night was the first night in my new place. :) The day was so long. I spent the morning packing up a few things, and then mom and I took them over to the new place. Then we went to the grocery store and bought some food for me; we spent $150 and I hope I will NEVER have to spend that much again. We did buy a Swiffer, computer paper, and a lot of basics for the kitchen (Pam, oil, etc). From now on it'll just be maintenance.

Then boy came over and I made him dinner. :D It was just Tuna Helper, but I added an extra can of tuna to up the protein, and some corn to get some veggies in. I was going to make a salad, but neither of us felt like it.

Then we went to the drive-in to see The Dark Knight (after picking up some chocolate at the store. :p). The movie was so good - I loved Heath Ledger's character. I felt guilty loving him, because he was the bad guy, but the movie was all about him. Soooo good. Boy dropped me off about 11:30. I was nervous for him to leave, because I was nervous about my first night. But I watched a little of a DVD, read, and went to bed. I woke up and had a bowl of cereal and it felt completely normal. :D

In other news, I had an interview someplace PERFECT for me. I don't know if I've posted about it before, but it's a retirement home down the street from me. Literally, I can walk it in two minutes. It's only 10 hours a week at minimum wage, but I also have that other 5 hour a week job. And while full time in school, I hate to work more than 20, so this is perfect. I know that it doesn't pay a lot, but since I can walk to school and (hopefully) to work, I'll almost never be driving. I'll save so much money! And I did the math - I will be perfectly fine saving and buying things I need. I thought the interview went well, and I just really, really, really, REALLY want it. :D Cross your fingers for me!

Well, I should get going. More later. :D

Why do these need titles?

I went to the doctor yesterday to talk about my anxiety. I told her that I've been on antidepressants for awhile, but I think that I have more anxiety than depression. I ended up crying during the appointment - and she referred me to a therapist who is also a registered nurse. I made an appointment with him am excited to maybe get the right medicine dosage or something.

I also just finished a book about a woman who lost weight (and worked her ass off). And Boy has lost weight. I feel motivated, but I also feel like "why start?" I just know that I'll fail. I am excited to use some of my workout videos when I move into my new place. And I've signed up for a step aerobics class twice a week at Fox.

Anyway. I'm going to get my hair cut today. I'm excited but also very nervous. I have a job interview on Thursday - gosh, I just want a job.

P.S.

I'm also very bummed that MAC has come out with some new launches and I haven't been able to pick anything up. :(

This no-job thing is getting very, very old. I just want to cry.

Shopping.

Mom, Amy and I went shopping for some school stuff. I made away with two pairs of jeans, 11 pairs of panties (for $40!!!!!), a purse, a candle for my apartment (pomegranate!), and two pairs of workout capris (for $6.49 each!), and a pair of sunglasses (my others broke). Amy got some shirts, a wallet, and she got some jeans earlier. It was a busy day.

For part of the day I felt really bad about myself. It's nothing new, I know. I just wish it wouldn't happen. The weird thing is, the scale says I'm losing about 2 pounds a week (and I don't know what the hell I'm doing).

I was also thinking about relationships. How much is one expected to change for the other?Once you know something about them won't work out, how long do you stick it out? I just don't know. I wish I had someone other than my mom to talk to about relationships.

My new place!

Here are some pics that I took today when I took an initial load of stuff over. Just some cleaning supplies and silverware and stuff.

OMG don't think I'm obsessed.

But I came across these wedding vows and think they're wonderful :) (Even though I'm nowhere near marriage!)

Groom
I promise to encourage your compassion,
Because that is what makes you unique and wonderful.
I promise to nurture your dreams,
Because through them your soul shines.
I promise to help shoulder our challenges,
For there is nothing we cannot face if we stand together.
I promise to be your partner in all things,
Not possessing you, but working with you as a part of the whole.
Lastly, I promise to you perfect love and perfect trust,
For one lifetime with you could never be enough.
This is my sacred vow to you, my equal in all things.

Bride
I promise to encourage your individuality,
Because that is what makes you unique and wonderful.
I promise to nurture your dreams,
Because through them your soul shines.
I promise to help shoulder our challenges,
Because through them we'll emerge stronger.
I promise to be your partner in all things,
Not possessing you, but working with you as a part of the whole.
I promise to share with you the joys of life,
Because with you they will be that much sweeter.
Lastly, I promise to you perfect love and perfect trust,
For one lifetime with you could never be enough.
This is my sacred vow to you, my equal in all things

Exercpt from "Ask Again Later."

I daydream - and get paid for it. I recall a scene from An Officer and a Gentleman. At the end of the movie Richard Gere, dressed in his naval whites, goes into a factory, picks up Debra Winger, and carries her out of that depressing place with all of those dirty machines.

I wish that would happen to me. Of course the whole time I'd be worried that the guy was trying to guess my weight or something. I realize how truly pathetic I am. Some guy in a uniform drags his woman out of the work-place to stick her in a house to cook and possibly clip coupons, and I am starting to buy into it, into the anti-female propaganda disguised as romance. As soon as he picks her up, things have to head south from there, because at some point, he has to put her down.

Jill A. Davis

I'm getting so sick of this.

Since being without a job my days suck. Nothing to do. I go on interviews and do housework and apply, apply, apply....but still boring.

The worst part is that I'm just eating all the time. (Vacation didn't help, either). I want to start taking care of that, but without a routine in my life it just seems stupid. I'd like to do some sort of liquid thing for a day or two - just to get back to eating normal food. But I don't know if I can with nothing to take my mind off of food. (How sick does that sound?)

I'll try it tomorrow and see how it goes. I feel like I should start packing, but I also have to live here for 10 days, and there's not much that I can do without.

I just want a job. :(

Alright - it's been awhile.

I'm back from Reno. The trip was good - the 9 hour drive was NOT. I have a pretty effed up back, and sitting did NOT help it. I took more ibuprofen than I care to mention. But it was sunny - about 90 degrees. We went gambling, I came out $130 ahead. (But $50 is already gone; I had brunch with roommate, got gas, and a few things for the apartment - and I need to get gas again). I had a few drinks and spent a day lounging around in the sun. Nice.

Came back. Spent Saturday with Boy. We had a nice time, but we were both in lousy moods, so it wasn't that great. Sunday we went up to Washington to visit with the grandparents - the ones that we haven't seen all summer. Probably since Easter.

Then this morning I had a job interview. Didn't go well - they couldn't work with my availability. That really sucks. I am still waiting to hear on a few applications....I'm just getting very frustrated. I also need to get a hold of the school to fix some of my financial and living arrangements.

And I still need to go to the Dollar Store and pick up the cleaning and products that I'm going to need. I move in on the 21st, which is 10 days. TEN DAYS! Ugh. I'm a ball of nerves. I've packed up a few things, but not nearly everything. I guess I can start doing some of my clothes and such.

Gah.

I got the apartment!

Oh, I'm so excited! I called the lady (H) today to see when she might be able to make a decision. She said that I was her choice, but there was another girl from L.A. that was desperate for housing, too. She said that she would call me by the end of the day for sure, and oh boy...I was stressed all day.

She called, asked if I could make a $100 deposit and when I'd like to move in. Then she said it was mine! Oh - its absolutely perfect. I'm going to try to go drop off the deposit tomorrow (along with a thank you card), and hopefully my dad can come. I'm going to take pictures. :D I'm so excited to go shopping for the basic house stuff! My grandma said she's take me to the Dollar Store (since the majority of what I need is cleaning, and thats a great place to get it). It is so close to campus, has a kitchen, a bed, bathroom, closet space......its absolutely perfect. I am SO excited to have my own place.

My parents are going to be paying my rent until I graduate (because I can't work enough in school to do it). But hopefully I'll be able to take care of it myself afterwards, so that I don't have to move and give up that great studio. I didn't plan to do grad school at Fox, but I just might. The only problem is that its a doctorate track - you get your Masters and Doctorate in 5 years. You can't just get a Masters and let that be that. I hadn't planned on that. It'd be great to be Dr. Jill, but I am terrified of writing a dissertation. I don't know if I'm smart enough.

Well. That can be on hold for a bit.

Tomorrow I get to go to the Boy's company picnic (ha - I feel like a Stepford wife!). He's also making dinner for his roommates, so hopefully I can go. I know I'm invited - its just a matter of me getting gas, cuz I'd hate for him to have to commute that much. Anyway.

Then, Sunday, at like, 3:00 in the morning, we're leaving for Reno. I'm excited to have a margarita. :D

Anyway. I'm very excited. :D

More frustration.

I just went through some of my old journals. I have DOZENS and dozens of them. And they are almost always unfinished (usually with only a few pages filled), and they ALWAYS contain some sort of diet plan, or a food journal, or something. I've done Christian plans where I use Scripture as a reason to not overeat (didn't work). I simply can't name all of the plans I've tried. How many times I've cried, how broken I feel, why can't I just DO it? Other people can? I just...feel broken. I need my eating to be fixed. And because I can't fix it, I'm not only responsible, I'm also too weak to make it better. I truly, honestly, don't know what to do about my weight. I'm afraid if I give up I'll just get bigger. But if I keep fighting, I'll drive myself insane.

And I was very excited to write this post, because I really do want your input and advice. But then I got online and checked my e-mail; the apartment I was hoping for, and the best option that I had come across didn't work out. It was a house that a bunch of students were going to rent. Boys in the house, and me in the converted garage. They decided to put boys everywhere. Now I still don't have a place to live. I answered an ad today on the school's website for a studio apartment - ugh. I don't what I'm going to do.

In honor of my 100th post...

I give you this fine photo:

Beauty.

The comments on my last post really made me think. I still feel the way that the postcard writer feels, but that doesn't mean that I should. Sometimes I hate being logical. I know that buying into that belief is nothing but heartache and pain. Yet I do when I'm at my most vulnerable (and other times, too).

I have a boyfriend now. For the first time. And when we began to date, I told myself that I was not going to make him my everything. Because I want to be independent. We both have our own lives, and now each other. But five months later, I sometimes find myself wondering what will happen if we break up. I don't want that to happen, but I guess I think about it to keep perspective. Kind of like when I think about my dog dying. I don't want to, but I know I'll be devastated when he does, so I try to prepare myself. I guess that's not healthy for a relationship. He's said that my insecurity can come across as neediness - and that bothers him (as it should - it would bother me). He can't help my insecurity. I used to think that a boyfriend would change that, even though I knew that it wouldn't. And it hasn't. It's left me a bit confused.

And then I came across this PostSecret today:


It says "We accept the love we think we deserve." What I get from this is that our demeanor, personality, actions - all generate one type of love. Sometimes it can be an abusive relationship (I'm not for one second blaming the abuse on anyone but the abuser - but there are certain qualities that bring certain people together). I don't think I'm making any sense. I just don't know what to do with this secret.

It makes me think of my boyfriend. I often think that I would like him to be more spontaneous, romantic, etc. But WHY do I want that? I want to believe that those actions would make me feel less insecure, etc. But that's not true. Gah. I love the relationship I have. I don't want to change my boyfriend. It's my insecurity that is making me insane.

Do you ladies/gents have any thoughts on this?

This is sad.

This makes me so sad...I know that virtually every girl in America (at least) feel that beauty buys relationships, and then relationships buy happiness. Since when is beauty currency? Dumb question, I know.

It's Official.

We're going to Reno! Well, my family is. I hope I will. It all depends on if I get a job or not. If I get a job, we're going to have to see whether or not I should ask to rearrange the time. I hope I get a job, but I also hope that I get to go to Reno. :D

So, today kinda sucked. I took a melatonin last night so that I could get some good sleep, but I woke up at 2:00 for the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep for three hours. When I finally did, I slept in until 10:30. So, I didn't take my walk. I had a huge ass waffle for breakfast. Then I went to the doctor to get my first Gardasil vaccine. Came home, showered, cleaned, shaved my legs, etc. I tried to make myself feel better but I was in such a slump. The rest of my eating sucked. I'm trying to hard to just accept it as a day and move on, but it's kinda hard.

Tomorrow I have a job interview at the Registrar's office, and then Amy has an appointment with the new softball coach at GFU. I hope both go well; I'm not sure why, but I feel intimidated by the Registrar's office job. Not that I couldn't get it...I don't know.

Today was just...weird. I've also been thinking about making this journal public. I do want some readers and feedback, etc. On the other hand, I'm afraid of certain people finding this and not responding well. Hrmph.

Hello, there.

I'm getting really tired of making up titles for these things.

Anyway. I took Chance for a walk again this morning. He LOVED it. :D I walked about a mile, too. Tomorrow I'm going to try to go by myself, I'll actually get more walking done. I only did about a mile this morning.

Then, later on this morning I had a job interview at the Dobbes Family Estate; a winery in Dundee. The job would be in a tasting room. I would be pouring the wine, making conversations, etc. The starting pay is $10 an hour. Which is neat, because if I work 32 hours a week (which they want - during the summer), I'll be taking home over $1,000 a month. Minus $300 a so for gas for the month, thats $700 to save, with some to spend. That's fantastic. I hope I get the job. Something good needs to happen to me soon, seriously. (Well, Nick visiting was pretty darn good. :D).

I also heard a little about the housing situation with Jon. The owners of the house lowered the rent price, so I would be paying $400 before utilities. I told him that I would for SURE take the garage if I could live there alone. By splitting the rent, I doubt I'd be spending more than $50 a month. So I'd have an extra $100 from my parents for groceries, and then the income that I'll have. I haven't heard back from Jon yet, but it's about time that something started to work out for me.

Anyway. I've also started reading some of my diet books again (well, The Beck Diet Solution and Shrink Yourself). Well, not so much reading them as skimming them tonight. Hmm...let my add up my rough calories for today. I PROMISE not to get upset at whatever it is.

Woohoo! Roughly 2000, but I had a mile walk and a 15 minute weight training session. Not too bad. :D

I'd love to keep writing, but I need to give the Boy a call. :D

I went for my walk.

It was about a mile. I could've done more, but Chance was with me and he was getting tired. While I was walking I also remembered that I had a glass of milk and some cookies earlier, and some saltines with BBQ sauce. Ugh.

Anyway. I got to thinking; I've been getting up every day at about 7:30 (yeah, I don't know why, either). But it might be nice to just get up and walk every morning. At 8:00, for maybe a half hour or more (depending on if the dog is with me). I would love to make a goal to do that every day for a month, but seriously - I need to start out slow. I'll aim for a week. Tomorrow while I'm walking I can think about what I want to do about my eating. We'll see. If Boy can do it, I can do it.

I really do love him. :D

I finally got to see Nick.

It's been two weeks, and a very long story, but he came over for a little bit today. He's really lost weight, and I'm very, very proud of him. He's really just changed what he eats. No more fast foods..he has yogurt for breakfast, a sandwich and chips for lunch, and a regular dinner. I don't know how he's not climbing up the walls with hunger, but its working for him. He doesn't even have acid reflux problems, and may start not taking his medicine for it.

Honestly, it makes me jealous. I love him and do want him to be happy and healthy, and I love that he's taking care of himself, but it makes me want to get started, too. So, I'm going to write down what I ate today and then take a walk. I hope that'll be enough for me today.

B: turkey, cheese, egg on english muffin
L: PB+J on white; 1/2 cup ice cream
S: Smart ones rice+beans over romaine
S: apple

Now, after Boy left, I had an ice cream cone and made cookies! Why did I do that? I had two of them, but also a bunch of dough. What made me do that? It was probably just feelings of jealousy. I absolutely hate that. I'm going to go take Chance for a walk - see if that makes me feel better.

Oh, Boy made me a CD! It has adorable songs - I'll list them later :)

Shopping for my Imaginary Apartment.

So, the housing thing is still up in the air. I still don't have a job, AND my parents found out about my credit card - so that's a new thing. I was hiding it because I knew they wouldn't approve - but I also wanted to deal with it on my own. I'm very lucky that they DID find out, because now we're going to deal with it and it's all going to be okay. (Kinda). More on that later. For now: internet window shopping!

Maybe this bed instead.


This is perfect for my necklaces.

I'd love this for my bathroom counter.

Maybe this for the shower.

This is good tupperware for the kitchen.

Ugh, there is a certain thing I want for storage. I low table thing with six open squares, and then you put a colored basket in each square. I can't seem to find it anywhere....oh well. This is too much fun. I know that I won't ever get any of this stuff - but I can't imagine how great it will be to have my own SPACE!

I have two job interviews tomorrow.

I'm very nervous. The first is at the campus bookstore. I'm pretty sure that I'll get it - I mean, I'm qualified. That one is at 11:00. And its good, because I think I'll be able to start before school starts...so that'll be good.

The other one is at Product - a makeup store at Bridgeport Village. I'm nervous because it's one of those places where I don't feel like I fit in. I'm qualified, but I'm just not sure about what to wear...I'm wearing a cute linen skirt and a shirt for the bookstore - but I've tried on a ton of things for Product. I either don't feel comfortable in it, or it's too simple, or it's too hot (it's going to be 95 tomorrow), or something.

So now I'm all nervous and all shaky. I want Boy to make it all better, but 1.) he can't and 2.) he's sick. He's been without his acid medicine and his stomach is really bothering him - it might be an ulcer. He's been throwing up blood today. I wish I could make everything all better for him.

Ugh. I can't seem to feel better about the interview tomorrow. So nervous and anxious. One thing that makes me nervous is that it's a drop in interview. I saw an ad on the Bridgeport website, and was in contact with the person from the ad (who was a different person than the manager - she was on vacation). So, long story short, I called the manager today and she said that she was holding open interviews tomorrow between 11:00AM and 6:00PM. I'm going to head over about 1:00 or 2:00. But it makes me nervous that it's not a set time for me.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so not okay.

I'm stressed out today...but here's a picture.

I cried in front of Boy again.

Gosh - I need to stop doing that. I really, really, REALLY need to find a way to stop stressing about everything. About housing, about school, about money, about Boy, about me, etc.

Mom started giving up sugar (and carbs), so I started to give up sugar today.

B: two lean pocket breakfast things
L: pb+j on wheat + banana
S: 2 chocolate nips
D: homemade hamburger, potato salad, and baked beans
D: small serving of strawberries and ice cream
S: MORE potato salad (post cry....)

So, not too bad. Considering I also went to the movies. Tomorrow I'm going over to Boy's. I'll have eggs or something for breakfast, and then when we get lunch, I'll try to get something thats not too unhealthy. We may just get a pizza.

This is horrible - I don't feel like this is going to work. I guess I just don't have any confidence in myself. I haven't worked out lately because of my teeth, and then my back absolutely killed me today. I'll try to do something in the morning.

I really need to calm down.

edited post.

edit. :)

Surgery went well.

Once they put the IV in my arm I barely noticed anything. I work up to them rubbing my arm and saying that I did a good job - I didn't even notice that I was out. I had a milkshake (they want something in your stomach so you don't throw up), took my meds, and went to bed. I would sleep for two hours, wake up for two hours, take more meds, and repeat the process. The part I didn't get was that I kept bleeding. I had to have gauze in my mouth all the time. Mom said that it was normal - it happened with Amy. Oh well. Today, no more bleeding. I slept all night with no meds, and I haven't taken any today. I'm fine with that. I might take a nap, though.

I'm a bit worried about tomorrow. I'm going to go to the YMCA and beg for my job back...and I guess I'm just nervous about it. Eh. Too tired to think. Later.

My mouth tastes funny.

It's the prescription mouthwash that the oral surgeon wants me to use before Tuesday - when I get my wisdom teeth out. I was really kind of nervous about the pain after, not the surgery itself. She said that it never really hurt - it was just being in bed for 2-3 days that was killer. You're out cold with the Vicodin.

So, an update of the activity thing. I haven't exercised everyday - I haven't even kept track, but I AM making more of an effort. I've washed my car, went swimming (well, not really a workout), walked Chance, and done workouts. I truly tried to go to the hip hop class, but on Tuesday I didn't have my car. We had taken it in on Monday, and I didn't get it until 7:00pm on Tuesday - and I can't drive any of our other cars. And then on Thursday, I was sick. I was doing Safety Town and I think that being around the kids made my immune system go weak. I wasn't OUT sick, but enough to warrant a few days of DayQuil.

And the apartment update - it might actually happen. I can't even begin to hope...I talked to my parents with a full plan and they didn't totally turn me down! It was dad's idea to go and view it - so I think we will. It's right by the YMCA - I could beg for my child watch job back. (I worked there last year, but I had too many other things going on and I just couldn't do it). So then I can walk to work - there's even transit from Sherwood to Newberg - I just have to figure out how that bus system works. I want to give Jessie (the girl I'm renting with) a for sure answer as soon as I can, but dad will be in Colorado for 10 days. I'll give her an e-mail and tell her so.

Oops....our power is flickering. There's a summer storm outside. I suppose I'll be back later!
Next time I update I need to remember to talk about the Boy and my mom (and how supportive she's been lately!)

Dream Room.

Curtains to decorate the focus wall
Closet Storage
Wall Mirror
Floor Lamp

Desk

Bedding



Bedside Table
Bed Frame
And Bed Base

Angst.

So, today wasn't a bad day. Day camp went fairly well; the firefighters visited today and they LOVED climbing up and down in the ambulance and the firetruck. But at the end of the day, they were sooo rowdy, we couldn't play any more games, and I had to read them a story. But they were rolling around and being obnoxious. Anyway.

Then I got home, relaxed a bit. Then mom and dad came home, each coming in yelling about whatever it was that Amy and I didn't do while they were gone. Which is a GREAT greeting, by the way. Things were going fine - until I got a phone call from Jessie, the girl that I'm hopefully renting a condo with in the fall. She and Kasey (the other roommate) were going to go visit tonight and officially apply, so they needed my contact info, character reference, employment contact, etc. I told her that I was only about 70% sure that I could do this, because I still needed to discuss it with my parents, but I was going to do my hardest to make it work. So, they went. I haven't heard from her yet.

Later, dad and Amy left for softball practice and I was able to tell her that we really needed to talk about the apartment situation, because it was getting to be crunch time. She told me, again, that her and dad both didn't like the idea that it was in Sherwood and not in Newberg. That's ridiculous - you know that they are only minutes apart. Jessie timed it; the condo is 7 minutes from campus. I honestly don't know what they're problem is. Maybe they're worried that I'll be driving in the dark (which is nothing new)...or that weather will keep me from school (which it won't, but the professors are very good to commuters if there is bad weather). In all honesty, they just probably don't want me out of their grasp at all.

I am getting soooo tired of fighting it. For every answer I come up with, they find another reason why something won't work. I am beyond frustrated...I HATE that they have so much control over my life (not that they should, but that they just push and push). Baby...I'm so exhausted with all of this. This battle has been going on for years, just in different forms. What school I was going to, whether or not I could have a car on campus (and I didn't for the first two years)...just absolutely everything. I'm so tired of fighting - it just makes me want to cry and give up.

Anyway - after mom and I had that little conversation, we went to pick up my car (damage was only $83!). On the way back I just started eating. It was totally emotional...I felt so out of control with the parent situation...I guess sometimes I feel like I have control if I eat. Regardless, I ended up hating myself and being very depressed.

I'm just waiting to hear back from Jessie - more about the condo. Where exactly it is, what things are included - I hate the fact that every time I want to do something I have to write up a fucking business plan in order to be heard. I try so hard....I am calm and collected and I have all the information that I can...and they just become irrational and make up excuses. And I wouldn't care, except that I'm not on my own. I can't make all of these decisions by myself because I don't have the money to back it up. It just makes me feel hopeless and so young. I KNOW I can start making adult decisions. I just wish I had the chance. I wish I had this to look forward to...move in would be August 1st (which they're going to oppose to as well, because I don't start school until like, the 20th). I need something to look forward to. Things seem so dull.

I tried so hard not to...

but I ended up watching an episode of MTV's Made. It was about a girl who wanted to become a dancer on her schools drill team. So, they got her a trainer and a dance coach and made her over and it was cute. But it made me feel incredibly bad about myself. Fat, gross, inactive, etc. So, I kind of half heartily made a deal with myself to do something active every day. I started by putting in a dance video, and it was nice and easy (because I was doing it in my bedroom) but then got tired of bouncing around in my room, so then I put in another one, but the same thing. Maybe I'll take Chance for a walk a little later, just to make it a full day. I'll either go to the gym or put in a video or something.

I also decided that I really want to take hip hop again. DJ's dance class in Newberg started last week, and I could still go, but its only once a week. The gym that I belong to does a hip hop class on Tuesday and Thursday nights, but it's in Beaverton. So...its a bit far away. But when I did go, I LOVED it. So, I really am going to try to go, no matter what.

Boy is in Bend and I haven't talked to him all day. I really miss him.

No cavities.

Yay - I went to the dentist today and it was cool; no cavities. Now I just wish I wasn't getting my wisdom teeth pulled in two weeks.

After the dentist I went to visit mom at work and she took me to lunch. We had a good conversation about the Boy; she was surprisingly supportive. Earlier today Nick and I had a pretty serious talk about stuff (not bad). I'm pretty proud of us for handling things as adults. This is my first relationship so I have to deal with that, and there's always an adjustment to each other...I think we're doing pretty well. Ha - last night we went and got ice cream and I totally broke down and cried. I think my BC is messing with my emotions but I was just so tired and stressed and it kind of felt good to cry....poor Nick tried to help so much. I just suck at sharing emotions. I guess it just takes time.

Came home, took a shower, did my nails, started some laundry and the dishwasher then got some makeup on. I'm leaving in a little bit to go visit Kendra. We're going to take her little puppy for a walk. :) I'm excited.

I guess thats about it...

Mini Breakdown.

Yesterday was very hard. I put in my two weeks notice, came back and found out that the place I was hoping to live next year isn't an option anymore, and then got yelled at by my father for quitting (it was irresponsible, etc). I couldn't stop crying, then talked to Boy, which helped in that tough-love kind of way.

So, I slept terribly and woke up with outrageously puffy eyes. Popped in some laundry, got ready, and met Boy for lunch. It was wonderful seeing him.

Then I got home and the whole family was relaxing - and thats fantastic. But my anxiety got the better of me. I just started worrying....worrying about the job. Worrying about money. Worrying about where I'm going to live next year, worrying about absolutely everything.

I did what I did, and part of being an adult is dealing with that. So, I'll keep going. I suppose this is part of being an adult. Its weird - it seems like it hits all at once. It kind of sucks, but on the other hand, I'm really excited to get to the perks of being an adult. Being on my own, having my own space, defining my own happiness. On the other hand, all of those are the downsides as well.

I'm not looking forward to going into work tomorrow. I'm closing with my manager, and I know that she'll ask a lot of questions. Obviously. I'm just horrible with confrontation and I'm not very self confidant in that sort of thing...I guess I'll figure it out. I just don't want to worry about it.

So.

I put my two week notice in at work today.

Then I come home and learn that the ladies I met with decided to room with someone else, so now I don't have a place to stay.

My mom is disappointed in me.


What am I doing?

I don't think anyone ever told me that relationships were easy. Thank God they didn't. I now know why people say "you make me a better person." I hate that. First, no one MAKES anyone do anything. Second, I always thought that it was the OTHER person that made you a better person and thats not true. Being in a relationship is teaching me what I don't like about myself, how I could function better in certain situations, etc. And that knowledge (and subsequent action) is what is making me a better person. It doesn't have much to do with the person...it has a lot to do with the relationship itself. How it works, how it doesn't, etc.

Maybe I'll write more about this later when I'm not completely exhausted. I worked 8 hours today, and then went out with a friend from work. It was a lot of fun, but I've been on the go for about 13 hours and I'm just done...

I painted my nails orange today.

Neons are supposed to be really big this season. At Ulta there were a ton of neon nail polishes and eye shadows....lots of bright colors coming into the store, too. I'm not sure how I feel about the orange...but I have a purple that I'll try next.

I made some perfect brownies today. I always feel so domestic when I make something. I usually hate cooking and baking..its just a big mess and my hands get all dry in the soap water of the dishes...eh. But sometimes I just want to make something good.

So. What else is new with me? I really, really, really want another job. In a perfect world, I'd get a job in another week, and give my two weeks at Lane Bryant. Then, I'll be able to go to Bend over the 4th. I still want to quit, even if I don't have another job - that would just be a bit irresponsible. Bring an adult is hard.

Are we in a full-blown recession? I know that times are really, really hard right now. Gas is one thing, but the cost of living is rising...jobs are hard to find. I don't know. I just am the kind of person that wants everything right NOW. I want it to work out and I want it to be perfect. I want to go to Bend - I want to meet Nick's family. I want a mini vacation. I want to be able to spend time with him because its so hard for us to while we're both working.

Ugh. I probably will end up quitting. Once I get an idea in my head it doesn't leave. I'm dreading every single shift that I have before I can quit.

everyone look at these pretty pictures.

This is the saddest one I've seen in awhile. I just....I read it last night and I've been thinking about it all day. When did marriages become all about sex? I'm willing to be that this woman has children with this man, and thats why she wants to keep him around. But then...why? Perhaps he's truly a good father, but not a good husband.

And that got me thinking...can someone be one and not the other? Could I be a good wife and not a good mother? (I know, marriage is in context. I won't know if I'm either until I'm there). But aren't the qualities in one the qualities in the other? I would think that a "good" wife (all my feminist bones are shaking, but bear with me) - just like a "good" husband, would be patient, compassionate and loving as a baseline. In a marriage there are other quirks, related to the two specific individuals. Compatible humor, spending habits, religious views, etc. These are all important, but vary on the couple.

Is it the same with children? Once you get past the loving and patient part.....I don't know. The parenting depends on the child. My parents (should have) disciplined Amy differently than me, because we respond to it differently. I just can't picture being with a man that is good to me but not my kids, or vice versa. And which is more important?

The kids. Is that why that woman is in contact with that hooker? To keep him around for the kids....even if she's not happy?

I just don't know what to think. What if I get trapped in a marriage like that?

it's gorgeous outside.

I might be able to wear one of my new dresses to work tomorrow. Yay! Speaking of work, I'm tired of only working part time. I need another new job. This is stressing me out. I thought I'd have a nanny job to work at, but that fell through. I've applied for seven other jobs....I'm not sure. Tomorrow I'm going to call all of the places I've applied at to see how things are going.

Anyway. More later.

I said I would update.

So, day one: walk, 1/2 water, no vitamin. Day 2: all water, no vitamin, no walk. Day 3: screw it. :p Back on track tomorrow.

I was driving home from work today and passed by the high school. Tonight was graduation. I'm glad I'm not in high school anymore....but I miss the graduation part. Something to look forward to, to feel accomplished about, anticipation and freedom. I know I'll graduate college in a year, and that will be exciting....but also scary. I don't know what I'll be doing after this graduation. Last time I was going to go to college - I had a plan. This time...I know that I want to get a job and go to grad school, but there is so much more uncertainty.

I really, really need another job. On Monday I'll will call all the places that I applied to check the status of my application...I need to be making more money. I can't stress out. I can't. Ugh. My anxiety gets out of control sometimes. And I haven't taken my medicine in a few days, and thats catching up with me.

I think that's part of summer. The free time, the anxiety....things are so new. This relationship is so new, so different. I'm worrying about things I never thought I'd worry about. And I know its sometimes irrelevant and useless....but I also can't help it. I want things to be perfect and they're not....(well, duh).

I don't know what else to say. Oh. Today mom and I went and returned a dress that she had bought me for my birthday. It was cute, it just didn't fit right. We ended up finding two other dresses (there was a huge sale) and they're so cute. One is a cute little vintage summer dress and the other is knit...black with pretty blue accents. Pretty simple...wear to work, or just on a random day. I'm looking forward to wearing a dress...but it needs to get way above 50 degrees before that will happen. I'm tired of having all these cute clothes that I want to wear and not being able to because I'd freeze my ass off.

I guess thats about it for now. I'll write more tomorrow.

I need to talk.

I have a lot of things going on. First - a job thing. Second - some relationship thing.

Job.
I hope the apartment thing works out...work 10 hours a week and get free rent. It seems to good to pass up....but the catch is that my parents want me to live with someone, not alone. That makes sense. But I 'm not sure who I could find (especially at my school, where there are certain restrictions on living off campus). I guess it could be Em, but mom pointed out that she may not want to do that. I don't know. If I get offered this - its too good to turn down. It's really starting to stress me out - not knowing where I'm going to live, not having a good job, any money....

It makes me feel really needy....which is where the relationship thing comes in. There's an ended relationship, and whenever I speak with that person, I get these pangs of neediness, guilt, and desperation. I absolutely hate that. It makes me feel vulnerable...even worthless.

I really need to calm down, I'm feeling very anxious and stressed. Ughhhhhhhh.....I hate this! Move on, move on, move on.......

I'm frustrated that it looks like I can't have the 4th off. I'm frustrated that I don't have a real job. I'm frustrated that I don't have any money and a fucking maxed out credit card. I feel like such a failure for admitting that.....

:(

revamp time. (again).

I wanted to start fresh with this blog and delete all of the old stuff, but I'm not going to. Yes, it was sporatic (sp?) and silly and off the wall, but its the past.

There are a few things I want to work on this week. I'd like to be active every day for seven days. This means at least a half hour. And I need to take my vitamins and drink my water. I'll keep track here for seven days, and we'll go from there.

I finished my third year at GFU, and went to Europe (Amsterdam, Brugge, Rouen, Normandy, Paris) for three weeks. I've been back home for about three now. It still feels like I haven't settled. The nanny job I had lined up fell through, so at the moment I'm only working PT at Lane Bryant - and trust me, I don't want to be there much longer. I've applied at six other jobs, and I think all of them can carry me through the next school year. One of them would be perfect: part time apartment manager. I'd get a place to stay for free, in exchange for working PAID 10 hours a week. That would be completely awesome. Please, everyone, cross your fingers, toes and intestines for this. I desperately need something to work out for next year involving a place to live - and a job.

What else? I really want to work on my creativity. I love all kinds of decorating and scrapbooking and making things, but I don't tend to do them because I'm afraid that I'll mess up or it won't be perfect or what I want. I need to realize that this is okay - that I can simply create something for the process of creating. I'm in the middle of a scrapbook page for Chance; the pictures are of him playing in the snow with Amy last winter. I have it roughly laid out, but it's been sitting on the counter for a few days with absolutely no commitment.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the self-improvement area. And, yeah. There is always improvement to be made. But I have a habit of making improvement (weight loss, creativity, etc) my main goal. And that hasn't made me happy yet.

You know what makes me happy? Among other things, my uterus. I know, this is getting off topic...and it might be a little TMI for some of the gentlemen out there, but oh well. I absolutely adore having a uterus (and ovaries and breasts and all the things that go along with being female). Yes, its uncomfortable and even painful to have a period, to birth children, and to go through menopause...but I get to bring children into this world. I get to create life with someone and bring a child into this world. (And you know whats even better than that? I can choose to do this, but I'm not talking about abortion). Everyone says that women have these intuitions...and maternal instincts. And for me, its a bit true. I'm proud of the fact that I can care for people when they're ill. I'm proud of the fact that I do the soccer-mom arm save when I brake fast and a passenger is in my car. I love that there are males out there (trust me, I love men)....but I am glad that Jill Renae Lepire was born female and is not afraid to seek, discover, and express her femininity.

What do you ladies and gents like or dislike about being your particular gender?

No no no no no.

I just saw my friends wedding pictures. She looked absolutely stunning. Instead of being happy for her, I became bitter about my life.

But you know what? You're SUPPOSED to look stunning on your wedding day. She did...and I will, too. I don't want to get married for a long time...so why am I even worried about this?

My therapist is showing me that almost every conflict I have (or the way I deal with it) relates back to how I do (or don't) accept myself. What's my definition again? "A conscious decision or act of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness." Or, something like that.

:D

My eyes are watery today.

Whatever.

I just got back from my women's group. It was really nice. It's good to know that there are other women out there that feel the same way that I do. And they don't have answers, either. Just, along the way you unconsciously make decisions about what you believe. It's frustrating in the day to day life, but when I think about where I've come from in the past year, I am truly amazed.

What else is going on? Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Mom just stopped by and brought cupcakes and goodies for us. She pulled me aside and talked to me and....ugh. I'm just so sad that I can't get what I need emotionally from her. I want that so bad. Especially with Valentines Day....

You know what? No. It would be very easy to sink into this depression piece. I have reasons to hurt. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not. I'm going to do something positive tonight that will affirm me.

I've had some chocolate, and it was good. I'm watching a good TV show, that's good, too.

I'd love to talk to Aaron. Wouldn't that be nice? He would be so nice to me and so loving and it would just make me feel worse because I don't have that here. I guess I don't have to worry about that...he won't be home from work for two and a half more hours.

I don't know.

Repeat after me: acceptance is a mental attitude or conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

Unconditonal kindness and gentleness. I am WORTH that, damnit. And I'm worth giving it to myself.

Acceptance.

My therapist asked me to define "acceptance," which is something that I've been struggling with. I integrated some other formal definitions to create my own.
Acceptance: A mental attitude of conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

We talked about a few things.
*I mentioned myself and others...and I put myself first
*I used the word "unconditional"

In our discussions, I realized that acceptance recognizes worth but doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be okay with it. For example, if someone hurts me (mom), I recognize that they have worth, and treat them as such, but I don't need them in my life and I don't need to be okay with the hurt.

I also thought about something else today. Maybe I don't have to "feel" pretty to accept myself.

Hmm. Food for thought.

Speaking of food...dinner time.

Patience.

So many things are running through my mind.
My weight. (Duh.)
Paper/presentation due on Tuesday.
Lack of money.
How much fast food I've eaten lately.
My plans this weekend (birthday dinner with Megan and Em, Church and Jeff Dunham).
Patience (with the God thing).
Acceptance (therapist wants me to define it in words and pictures.
Amber's BIL calling (long story).

Well, I guess it's not that long of a story. A co-worker wants to set me up with her brother-in-law, who is 21. I gave her my number to call me so that we could all go out to dinner or something, if he is interested. I gave my number on Sunday and we just ended Thursday. I know that I need to calm down, but seriously. I just get so anxious. (This is nothing new, people).

I talked to my therapist about it. He helped me realize a few things. First, I feel like I can't have a crush or anything resembling a crush. I automatically believe that no one will EVER EVER EVER like me. Anyway. I need to learn that all emotions are okay to feel AND to express.

Wow. I can't formulate any sentences right now. Later. :)

I want to go to bed so bad.

But, I promised myself I would write a bit.

I started my period today. (Is that TMI? Deal with it.). So I've been pretty sensitive and horribel to myself. I've eaten a lot of fast food in the past week and I can feel that I've gained a few pounds. I'm trying sooooo f-ing hard to not completely destroy myself. I need to realize that I'm fat, it's not a secret, and fat in itself is not something to be ashamed about. I'm fat because I eat. I eat because I'm trying to fill and void and didn't know any other way. There's nothing BAD in that. And there's also nothing BAD in trying to change that now, when I know better.

Anyway. I worked tonight. I will work the next four nights (keep in mind that my work is almost 20 miles from my school, and I have to drive it each day that I work). I love my job (Lane Bryant) and need the hours (don't even get my started on my credit), and enjoy the drive (I don't, however, enjoy paying for gas).

Now I'm feeling the need to defend my credit. Maybe not for you, but for me. And I know I'm okay. So no worries.

Off to bed. Finally. :)

I'm scared

of failing Statistics. Or not passing with a C....which is required for my major. I don't believe I can do it.

I don't want to get stressed out and anxious...like I am...

why can't I' orrganize my thoughts?

What am I going to do with myself?

B: three donut holes
L: 2 cups chicken broccoli pasts
S: Lean Cuisine Pizza
D: 1/2 plate nachos, 1 cup veggie stir fry, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes
S: PB+J and apple cider


I guess thats not as bad as I THOUGHT....

Woohoo?

So, today I was rocky. I gave a presentation on binge eating that sucked. I wanted to start dieting. I thought about that for a bit.

After work I spent $10 on fast food...but I didn't eat it all. About half of it. I threw the rest away. Yay?

woo-hoo.

I decided to go to the gym tonight, because I felt like it. It felt so good. :)

I did 20 minutes elliptical and 20 minutes of random upper body weights. I did back work, because my back is all messed up again.

I e-mailed mom at work last night, with part of my previous post. I went all day without hearing from her, only to find out that today was a holiday and she didn't have work. So I'll see what she says tomorrow.

Also, I have to pick up my SS card from home - I got that job at the YMCA. Woohoo. :) I meet with my new boss on Wednesday afternoon.

I'm not sure what to think.

I am so tired and want to lose weight so badly. I've seen pictures of myself from a year or more ago and I just wish I looked like I did then. I am filled with so much self hate. I feel like I can't lose weight. I feel like I never succeed. It's so hard and I have too many issues. I feel like I'm using excuses...no. I feel like other people think they're excuses. But they're so REAL.

I wonder where my drive went. I always felt hopeless, but I kept on trying. I don't know why this time is different.

It's so weird that I haven't been interested in boys. I mean, I want security. I want physical cuddling. But there are no boys I'm interesed in. Maybe I've just given up. That feels so sad...to not have hope in finding a love.

Eh.

I like my horoscope this week.

Oh dear.

I don't feel like I can handle anything. I feel so emotional....I cried last night with Aaron, again. He's always so wonderful with me.

I really do feel stuck. But I either don't think I can change or change is way too scary. I think both are happening. Today I'm going to do my "homework" for therapy. I have to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for. Then I have to think about how they relate to me (how I make them good). That part will be tricky.

I'm also supposed to do some sort of exercise. I have time today but I don't want to. But I should.

I feel so horrible.

I'm ready to give up.

The past week or so has been so emotional. Weird sleeping habits, horrible mood swings, incessant crying. I started therapy again, and I've had two sessions. I was emotionally drained in both of them. I think this is going to be a good thing overall, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to carry through. There is so much going on. I feel upset at my parents for not giving me what I need. I feel guilty for thinking that because they'll insist until they're blue in the face that they're great parents. I'm the one that has misinterpreted everything. I suppose its true that they do all these things for my best interest, and thats hard to accept. How can I be upset with them when I *know* its only for my well-being?

All I know is that I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yearning for a simple hug. I'm tired of mom calling, when she knows I'm upset, and is worried more about school than my well-being. Where was the "i love you?" Where was the "do you need anything?" I shouldn't expect it anymore. I don't know if I expect it...I just know that I notice it when it doesn't come. I don't know how to hold anything together.

Aaron has been my glue. And we haven't had a lot of time lately and it SUCKS. I miss him. I miss my support. It feels like the only real support that I've ever had. Do you know how lonely that is? It's horrible. I tried to take melatonin yesterday (HORRIBLE day. I don't even want to talk about it) to try to get some sleep. I ended up having one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in awhile. It really, really sucked.

I want Aaron to be here. To really hold me. Would I feel better? If I had that unconditional support just once, I wonder what would happen.

I'm so scared.

I can't stand myself right now. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. I want to cry and scream and hide at the same time.

Anxiousness.

Why, why, why?

Alright. I dyed my hair brown this morning. All I could think of was how fat I am. Later I called Aaron. We were all lovey and I got teary. Then we were intimate. Now I'm all confused. Tonight is my women's group. Then the labyrinth. Why does it make me anxious? I don't feel like walking around in front of people being all "spiritual" for everyone to see. I suppose it could be a good experience. I just am scared. I'll go because I have to. But maybe I'll just sit and write and think. I don't know.

I saw a "Fat Rant" video. It was a plus size woman talking about how we should accept fat, etc. The whole time I was thinking, "great. You're a size 16. I'd KILL to be a size 16." I know that part of it is the way I eat.

I just want to be better. I know that therapy will help. It'll be a lot of work. I just hope I can do it.

:(

I don't want to go, I don't want to go! Ack. There's no one here to calm me down....

and I hate that I need someone to calm me down.

Countdown - T minus 40 minutes.

Ack. I meet with the therapist in 40 minutes. It's starting to freak me out. I'm trying to think about all of the things I want to say. I want to spill all of it out and say "help me." But I also don't think I should - I guess I should learn to trust him.

I called mom this morning. Disappointing. I've asked her to go to the mall a few times and she keeps saying no. I mean...I know that she can say no. And a mall isn't exactly something that she loves going to. But it feels like she's saying no to me. In the end, I know it works out for the best. I wouldn't have a good time at the mall with her - I rarely do.

I think a lot of my problem is that mom didn't teach me how to deal with emotions effectively. She taught me to eat. I guess I taught myself to shop. It sucks. Its sucks because even if I get over this eating and shopping thing, I can't depend on her for healthy problem solving conversation. If I have a problem, I don't go to her. I want to, but I never get what I need. I guess I understand that she did the best that she could. And I guess I can't hold it against her. I know that life isn't fair. It just left me with SO much pain.

I hope this goes well...

Bloatedness.

I've had a lot of food this weekend. Today I had two packages of Top Ramen (and I may even have another, for lack of something else to eat. I'm feeling a little bad about my body. Okay, I do feel bad, but I don't want to dwell on it.

I'm also anxious about my therapy tomorrow. I guess its because I don't know whats going to happen. I'm going to have to reveal a lot of things. That's scary.

I really want to talk to Aaron. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm coloring a picture.

I keep finding myself wanting to call my mom. But I keep stopping myself. She doesn't seem interested in my life. She didn't teach me how to deal with my feelings. Eh.

I guess this is enough for now.

Oh. I just noticed that my antidepressants label says that it may cause drowsiness.

Great.

Gah. I saw engagement photos for a friend from high school. I wouldn't want to marry him, but I did like him for awhile. They're so cute and so happy. I want that.

Today at work I felt like such a frump. Well, okay. I felt like a frump all day. I suppose I should get over it.

I'm getting really, really excited for my therapy appointment on Monday. I really hope change starts to happen.

So I need to post. A lot is going on.

I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow. I *think* I have plans with Megan to go shopping on Saturday. I don't know if those still hold. So I was thinking I'd go out tomorrow and get my eyebrows waxed, get coffee, and maybe shopping on my own. It sounds good to spend a day alone tomorrow.

I think Aaron and I are going to take a few days apart - like this weekend. This relationship thing is so hard on me emotionally. He's so sweet and wonderful, and instead of enjoying it, I just get caught up in all of these wounds. I end up crying a lot. It scares me to take a day or two apart...what happens if I need him? I know I need to start learning to do things on my own.

I also have a therapy appointment on Monday. I had an emotional few days and set up an appointment with the counselor that the doctor recommended.....a man. I set up an appointment, but then couldn't make it. I also don't know that I wanted to make it. I talked to a woman professor that I love to see what she recommended for me. I trust her more than the other doctor. She said that there was some good work to be done with a male therapist, but that doesn't mean that I have to do it. I may not be comfortable with it. There are two other women that I could see. So, I called and set up an appointment with the man therapist, and we'll see how that goes. I'm reserving the right to switch to a woman. Kris, my woman professor, commended me for starting up. What she said solidified my worry. I really don't know if I think I can do it.

There are so many things that I want to improve. I want to see things rationally, and not just black and white. I want to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll see things I won't like, but I know that'll happen. It just scares me. I'm so tired of being sad. I've recognized a lot of things....I have a really hard time getting close to people. I suppose I trust them as people...I'm just terrified to let my guard down. Because once I do, all my issues will just flow out.

I called mom this morning to see if she wanted to do something with me tomorrow. She said no....which is fine. It still kinda stung. I feel like I'm always disappointed with my relationship with her and dad. Yet I still try. I still hope.

I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is going to be a good day. Will I cry today? I can't just let things be. I really, really hope that I find a therapist soon that can help me. I hope that I'm ready for the work.

Sunday - 8.26

12:30 - eggs w/ cheese, potatoes w/ ketchup, two sausage links
1:30 - marionberry scone, 16 oz. iced chai

Randomness.

I really want to be kissed. Not like with Steve...that didn't mean anything. I want a guy to WANT to kiss me.

I'm sure it'll be okay. I just want to whine for awhile. I took a nice, hot shower in the dark with candles, and I feel better :)

So, distraction?

I'm in a slump. Like I'm fighting between a heavy depression and being normal. Actually, more of just NOT being in a depression. I've been fighting feelings of being alone. When I'm with Aaron (long story)...I just. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship. And thats because I'm not good enough.

One of my underlying struggles is that I feel like I need too much. Too much food, too much attention, to much alone time, too much explanation, too much support and love. I don't know what to do about this.

I don't know what to do.