This is sad.

This makes me so sad...I know that virtually every girl in America (at least) feel that beauty buys relationships, and then relationships buy happiness. Since when is beauty currency? Dumb question, I know.

It's Official.

We're going to Reno! Well, my family is. I hope I will. It all depends on if I get a job or not. If I get a job, we're going to have to see whether or not I should ask to rearrange the time. I hope I get a job, but I also hope that I get to go to Reno. :D

So, today kinda sucked. I took a melatonin last night so that I could get some good sleep, but I woke up at 2:00 for the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep for three hours. When I finally did, I slept in until 10:30. So, I didn't take my walk. I had a huge ass waffle for breakfast. Then I went to the doctor to get my first Gardasil vaccine. Came home, showered, cleaned, shaved my legs, etc. I tried to make myself feel better but I was in such a slump. The rest of my eating sucked. I'm trying to hard to just accept it as a day and move on, but it's kinda hard.

Tomorrow I have a job interview at the Registrar's office, and then Amy has an appointment with the new softball coach at GFU. I hope both go well; I'm not sure why, but I feel intimidated by the Registrar's office job. Not that I couldn't get it...I don't know.

Today was just...weird. I've also been thinking about making this journal public. I do want some readers and feedback, etc. On the other hand, I'm afraid of certain people finding this and not responding well. Hrmph.

Hello, there.

I'm getting really tired of making up titles for these things.

Anyway. I took Chance for a walk again this morning. He LOVED it. :D I walked about a mile, too. Tomorrow I'm going to try to go by myself, I'll actually get more walking done. I only did about a mile this morning.

Then, later on this morning I had a job interview at the Dobbes Family Estate; a winery in Dundee. The job would be in a tasting room. I would be pouring the wine, making conversations, etc. The starting pay is $10 an hour. Which is neat, because if I work 32 hours a week (which they want - during the summer), I'll be taking home over $1,000 a month. Minus $300 a so for gas for the month, thats $700 to save, with some to spend. That's fantastic. I hope I get the job. Something good needs to happen to me soon, seriously. (Well, Nick visiting was pretty darn good. :D).

I also heard a little about the housing situation with Jon. The owners of the house lowered the rent price, so I would be paying $400 before utilities. I told him that I would for SURE take the garage if I could live there alone. By splitting the rent, I doubt I'd be spending more than $50 a month. So I'd have an extra $100 from my parents for groceries, and then the income that I'll have. I haven't heard back from Jon yet, but it's about time that something started to work out for me.

Anyway. I've also started reading some of my diet books again (well, The Beck Diet Solution and Shrink Yourself). Well, not so much reading them as skimming them tonight. Hmm...let my add up my rough calories for today. I PROMISE not to get upset at whatever it is.

Woohoo! Roughly 2000, but I had a mile walk and a 15 minute weight training session. Not too bad. :D

I'd love to keep writing, but I need to give the Boy a call. :D

I went for my walk.

It was about a mile. I could've done more, but Chance was with me and he was getting tired. While I was walking I also remembered that I had a glass of milk and some cookies earlier, and some saltines with BBQ sauce. Ugh.

Anyway. I got to thinking; I've been getting up every day at about 7:30 (yeah, I don't know why, either). But it might be nice to just get up and walk every morning. At 8:00, for maybe a half hour or more (depending on if the dog is with me). I would love to make a goal to do that every day for a month, but seriously - I need to start out slow. I'll aim for a week. Tomorrow while I'm walking I can think about what I want to do about my eating. We'll see. If Boy can do it, I can do it.

I really do love him. :D

I finally got to see Nick.

It's been two weeks, and a very long story, but he came over for a little bit today. He's really lost weight, and I'm very, very proud of him. He's really just changed what he eats. No more fast foods..he has yogurt for breakfast, a sandwich and chips for lunch, and a regular dinner. I don't know how he's not climbing up the walls with hunger, but its working for him. He doesn't even have acid reflux problems, and may start not taking his medicine for it.

Honestly, it makes me jealous. I love him and do want him to be happy and healthy, and I love that he's taking care of himself, but it makes me want to get started, too. So, I'm going to write down what I ate today and then take a walk. I hope that'll be enough for me today.

B: turkey, cheese, egg on english muffin
L: PB+J on white; 1/2 cup ice cream
S: Smart ones rice+beans over romaine
S: apple

Now, after Boy left, I had an ice cream cone and made cookies! Why did I do that? I had two of them, but also a bunch of dough. What made me do that? It was probably just feelings of jealousy. I absolutely hate that. I'm going to go take Chance for a walk - see if that makes me feel better.

Oh, Boy made me a CD! It has adorable songs - I'll list them later :)

Shopping for my Imaginary Apartment.

So, the housing thing is still up in the air. I still don't have a job, AND my parents found out about my credit card - so that's a new thing. I was hiding it because I knew they wouldn't approve - but I also wanted to deal with it on my own. I'm very lucky that they DID find out, because now we're going to deal with it and it's all going to be okay. (Kinda). More on that later. For now: internet window shopping!

Maybe this bed instead.


This is perfect for my necklaces.

I'd love this for my bathroom counter.

Maybe this for the shower.

This is good tupperware for the kitchen.

Ugh, there is a certain thing I want for storage. I low table thing with six open squares, and then you put a colored basket in each square. I can't seem to find it anywhere....oh well. This is too much fun. I know that I won't ever get any of this stuff - but I can't imagine how great it will be to have my own SPACE!

I have two job interviews tomorrow.

I'm very nervous. The first is at the campus bookstore. I'm pretty sure that I'll get it - I mean, I'm qualified. That one is at 11:00. And its good, because I think I'll be able to start before school starts...so that'll be good.

The other one is at Product - a makeup store at Bridgeport Village. I'm nervous because it's one of those places where I don't feel like I fit in. I'm qualified, but I'm just not sure about what to wear...I'm wearing a cute linen skirt and a shirt for the bookstore - but I've tried on a ton of things for Product. I either don't feel comfortable in it, or it's too simple, or it's too hot (it's going to be 95 tomorrow), or something.

So now I'm all nervous and all shaky. I want Boy to make it all better, but 1.) he can't and 2.) he's sick. He's been without his acid medicine and his stomach is really bothering him - it might be an ulcer. He's been throwing up blood today. I wish I could make everything all better for him.

Ugh. I can't seem to feel better about the interview tomorrow. So nervous and anxious. One thing that makes me nervous is that it's a drop in interview. I saw an ad on the Bridgeport website, and was in contact with the person from the ad (who was a different person than the manager - she was on vacation). So, long story short, I called the manager today and she said that she was holding open interviews tomorrow between 11:00AM and 6:00PM. I'm going to head over about 1:00 or 2:00. But it makes me nervous that it's not a set time for me.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so not okay.

I'm stressed out today...but here's a picture.

I cried in front of Boy again.

Gosh - I need to stop doing that. I really, really, REALLY need to find a way to stop stressing about everything. About housing, about school, about money, about Boy, about me, etc.

Mom started giving up sugar (and carbs), so I started to give up sugar today.

B: two lean pocket breakfast things
L: pb+j on wheat + banana
S: 2 chocolate nips
D: homemade hamburger, potato salad, and baked beans
D: small serving of strawberries and ice cream
S: MORE potato salad (post cry....)

So, not too bad. Considering I also went to the movies. Tomorrow I'm going over to Boy's. I'll have eggs or something for breakfast, and then when we get lunch, I'll try to get something thats not too unhealthy. We may just get a pizza.

This is horrible - I don't feel like this is going to work. I guess I just don't have any confidence in myself. I haven't worked out lately because of my teeth, and then my back absolutely killed me today. I'll try to do something in the morning.

I really need to calm down.

edited post.

edit. :)

Surgery went well.

Once they put the IV in my arm I barely noticed anything. I work up to them rubbing my arm and saying that I did a good job - I didn't even notice that I was out. I had a milkshake (they want something in your stomach so you don't throw up), took my meds, and went to bed. I would sleep for two hours, wake up for two hours, take more meds, and repeat the process. The part I didn't get was that I kept bleeding. I had to have gauze in my mouth all the time. Mom said that it was normal - it happened with Amy. Oh well. Today, no more bleeding. I slept all night with no meds, and I haven't taken any today. I'm fine with that. I might take a nap, though.

I'm a bit worried about tomorrow. I'm going to go to the YMCA and beg for my job back...and I guess I'm just nervous about it. Eh. Too tired to think. Later.

My mouth tastes funny.

It's the prescription mouthwash that the oral surgeon wants me to use before Tuesday - when I get my wisdom teeth out. I was really kind of nervous about the pain after, not the surgery itself. She said that it never really hurt - it was just being in bed for 2-3 days that was killer. You're out cold with the Vicodin.

So, an update of the activity thing. I haven't exercised everyday - I haven't even kept track, but I AM making more of an effort. I've washed my car, went swimming (well, not really a workout), walked Chance, and done workouts. I truly tried to go to the hip hop class, but on Tuesday I didn't have my car. We had taken it in on Monday, and I didn't get it until 7:00pm on Tuesday - and I can't drive any of our other cars. And then on Thursday, I was sick. I was doing Safety Town and I think that being around the kids made my immune system go weak. I wasn't OUT sick, but enough to warrant a few days of DayQuil.

And the apartment update - it might actually happen. I can't even begin to hope...I talked to my parents with a full plan and they didn't totally turn me down! It was dad's idea to go and view it - so I think we will. It's right by the YMCA - I could beg for my child watch job back. (I worked there last year, but I had too many other things going on and I just couldn't do it). So then I can walk to work - there's even transit from Sherwood to Newberg - I just have to figure out how that bus system works. I want to give Jessie (the girl I'm renting with) a for sure answer as soon as I can, but dad will be in Colorado for 10 days. I'll give her an e-mail and tell her so.

Oops....our power is flickering. There's a summer storm outside. I suppose I'll be back later!
Next time I update I need to remember to talk about the Boy and my mom (and how supportive she's been lately!)

Dream Room.

Curtains to decorate the focus wall
Closet Storage
Wall Mirror
Floor Lamp

Desk

Bedding



Bedside Table
Bed Frame
And Bed Base

Angst.

So, today wasn't a bad day. Day camp went fairly well; the firefighters visited today and they LOVED climbing up and down in the ambulance and the firetruck. But at the end of the day, they were sooo rowdy, we couldn't play any more games, and I had to read them a story. But they were rolling around and being obnoxious. Anyway.

Then I got home, relaxed a bit. Then mom and dad came home, each coming in yelling about whatever it was that Amy and I didn't do while they were gone. Which is a GREAT greeting, by the way. Things were going fine - until I got a phone call from Jessie, the girl that I'm hopefully renting a condo with in the fall. She and Kasey (the other roommate) were going to go visit tonight and officially apply, so they needed my contact info, character reference, employment contact, etc. I told her that I was only about 70% sure that I could do this, because I still needed to discuss it with my parents, but I was going to do my hardest to make it work. So, they went. I haven't heard from her yet.

Later, dad and Amy left for softball practice and I was able to tell her that we really needed to talk about the apartment situation, because it was getting to be crunch time. She told me, again, that her and dad both didn't like the idea that it was in Sherwood and not in Newberg. That's ridiculous - you know that they are only minutes apart. Jessie timed it; the condo is 7 minutes from campus. I honestly don't know what they're problem is. Maybe they're worried that I'll be driving in the dark (which is nothing new)...or that weather will keep me from school (which it won't, but the professors are very good to commuters if there is bad weather). In all honesty, they just probably don't want me out of their grasp at all.

I am getting soooo tired of fighting it. For every answer I come up with, they find another reason why something won't work. I am beyond frustrated...I HATE that they have so much control over my life (not that they should, but that they just push and push). Baby...I'm so exhausted with all of this. This battle has been going on for years, just in different forms. What school I was going to, whether or not I could have a car on campus (and I didn't for the first two years)...just absolutely everything. I'm so tired of fighting - it just makes me want to cry and give up.

Anyway - after mom and I had that little conversation, we went to pick up my car (damage was only $83!). On the way back I just started eating. It was totally emotional...I felt so out of control with the parent situation...I guess sometimes I feel like I have control if I eat. Regardless, I ended up hating myself and being very depressed.

I'm just waiting to hear back from Jessie - more about the condo. Where exactly it is, what things are included - I hate the fact that every time I want to do something I have to write up a fucking business plan in order to be heard. I try so hard....I am calm and collected and I have all the information that I can...and they just become irrational and make up excuses. And I wouldn't care, except that I'm not on my own. I can't make all of these decisions by myself because I don't have the money to back it up. It just makes me feel hopeless and so young. I KNOW I can start making adult decisions. I just wish I had the chance. I wish I had this to look forward to...move in would be August 1st (which they're going to oppose to as well, because I don't start school until like, the 20th). I need something to look forward to. Things seem so dull.

I tried so hard not to...

but I ended up watching an episode of MTV's Made. It was about a girl who wanted to become a dancer on her schools drill team. So, they got her a trainer and a dance coach and made her over and it was cute. But it made me feel incredibly bad about myself. Fat, gross, inactive, etc. So, I kind of half heartily made a deal with myself to do something active every day. I started by putting in a dance video, and it was nice and easy (because I was doing it in my bedroom) but then got tired of bouncing around in my room, so then I put in another one, but the same thing. Maybe I'll take Chance for a walk a little later, just to make it a full day. I'll either go to the gym or put in a video or something.

I also decided that I really want to take hip hop again. DJ's dance class in Newberg started last week, and I could still go, but its only once a week. The gym that I belong to does a hip hop class on Tuesday and Thursday nights, but it's in Beaverton. So...its a bit far away. But when I did go, I LOVED it. So, I really am going to try to go, no matter what.

Boy is in Bend and I haven't talked to him all day. I really miss him.

No cavities.

Yay - I went to the dentist today and it was cool; no cavities. Now I just wish I wasn't getting my wisdom teeth pulled in two weeks.

After the dentist I went to visit mom at work and she took me to lunch. We had a good conversation about the Boy; she was surprisingly supportive. Earlier today Nick and I had a pretty serious talk about stuff (not bad). I'm pretty proud of us for handling things as adults. This is my first relationship so I have to deal with that, and there's always an adjustment to each other...I think we're doing pretty well. Ha - last night we went and got ice cream and I totally broke down and cried. I think my BC is messing with my emotions but I was just so tired and stressed and it kind of felt good to cry....poor Nick tried to help so much. I just suck at sharing emotions. I guess it just takes time.

Came home, took a shower, did my nails, started some laundry and the dishwasher then got some makeup on. I'm leaving in a little bit to go visit Kendra. We're going to take her little puppy for a walk. :) I'm excited.

I guess thats about it...

Mini Breakdown.

Yesterday was very hard. I put in my two weeks notice, came back and found out that the place I was hoping to live next year isn't an option anymore, and then got yelled at by my father for quitting (it was irresponsible, etc). I couldn't stop crying, then talked to Boy, which helped in that tough-love kind of way.

So, I slept terribly and woke up with outrageously puffy eyes. Popped in some laundry, got ready, and met Boy for lunch. It was wonderful seeing him.

Then I got home and the whole family was relaxing - and thats fantastic. But my anxiety got the better of me. I just started worrying....worrying about the job. Worrying about money. Worrying about where I'm going to live next year, worrying about absolutely everything.

I did what I did, and part of being an adult is dealing with that. So, I'll keep going. I suppose this is part of being an adult. Its weird - it seems like it hits all at once. It kind of sucks, but on the other hand, I'm really excited to get to the perks of being an adult. Being on my own, having my own space, defining my own happiness. On the other hand, all of those are the downsides as well.

I'm not looking forward to going into work tomorrow. I'm closing with my manager, and I know that she'll ask a lot of questions. Obviously. I'm just horrible with confrontation and I'm not very self confidant in that sort of thing...I guess I'll figure it out. I just don't want to worry about it.

So.

I put my two week notice in at work today.

Then I come home and learn that the ladies I met with decided to room with someone else, so now I don't have a place to stay.

My mom is disappointed in me.


What am I doing?

I don't think anyone ever told me that relationships were easy. Thank God they didn't. I now know why people say "you make me a better person." I hate that. First, no one MAKES anyone do anything. Second, I always thought that it was the OTHER person that made you a better person and thats not true. Being in a relationship is teaching me what I don't like about myself, how I could function better in certain situations, etc. And that knowledge (and subsequent action) is what is making me a better person. It doesn't have much to do with the person...it has a lot to do with the relationship itself. How it works, how it doesn't, etc.

Maybe I'll write more about this later when I'm not completely exhausted. I worked 8 hours today, and then went out with a friend from work. It was a lot of fun, but I've been on the go for about 13 hours and I'm just done...

I painted my nails orange today.

Neons are supposed to be really big this season. At Ulta there were a ton of neon nail polishes and eye shadows....lots of bright colors coming into the store, too. I'm not sure how I feel about the orange...but I have a purple that I'll try next.

I made some perfect brownies today. I always feel so domestic when I make something. I usually hate cooking and baking..its just a big mess and my hands get all dry in the soap water of the dishes...eh. But sometimes I just want to make something good.

So. What else is new with me? I really, really, really want another job. In a perfect world, I'd get a job in another week, and give my two weeks at Lane Bryant. Then, I'll be able to go to Bend over the 4th. I still want to quit, even if I don't have another job - that would just be a bit irresponsible. Bring an adult is hard.

Are we in a full-blown recession? I know that times are really, really hard right now. Gas is one thing, but the cost of living is rising...jobs are hard to find. I don't know. I just am the kind of person that wants everything right NOW. I want it to work out and I want it to be perfect. I want to go to Bend - I want to meet Nick's family. I want a mini vacation. I want to be able to spend time with him because its so hard for us to while we're both working.

Ugh. I probably will end up quitting. Once I get an idea in my head it doesn't leave. I'm dreading every single shift that I have before I can quit.

everyone look at these pretty pictures.

This is the saddest one I've seen in awhile. I just....I read it last night and I've been thinking about it all day. When did marriages become all about sex? I'm willing to be that this woman has children with this man, and thats why she wants to keep him around. But then...why? Perhaps he's truly a good father, but not a good husband.

And that got me thinking...can someone be one and not the other? Could I be a good wife and not a good mother? (I know, marriage is in context. I won't know if I'm either until I'm there). But aren't the qualities in one the qualities in the other? I would think that a "good" wife (all my feminist bones are shaking, but bear with me) - just like a "good" husband, would be patient, compassionate and loving as a baseline. In a marriage there are other quirks, related to the two specific individuals. Compatible humor, spending habits, religious views, etc. These are all important, but vary on the couple.

Is it the same with children? Once you get past the loving and patient part.....I don't know. The parenting depends on the child. My parents (should have) disciplined Amy differently than me, because we respond to it differently. I just can't picture being with a man that is good to me but not my kids, or vice versa. And which is more important?

The kids. Is that why that woman is in contact with that hooker? To keep him around for the kids....even if she's not happy?

I just don't know what to think. What if I get trapped in a marriage like that?

it's gorgeous outside.

I might be able to wear one of my new dresses to work tomorrow. Yay! Speaking of work, I'm tired of only working part time. I need another new job. This is stressing me out. I thought I'd have a nanny job to work at, but that fell through. I've applied for seven other jobs....I'm not sure. Tomorrow I'm going to call all of the places I've applied at to see how things are going.

Anyway. More later.

I said I would update.

So, day one: walk, 1/2 water, no vitamin. Day 2: all water, no vitamin, no walk. Day 3: screw it. :p Back on track tomorrow.

I was driving home from work today and passed by the high school. Tonight was graduation. I'm glad I'm not in high school anymore....but I miss the graduation part. Something to look forward to, to feel accomplished about, anticipation and freedom. I know I'll graduate college in a year, and that will be exciting....but also scary. I don't know what I'll be doing after this graduation. Last time I was going to go to college - I had a plan. This time...I know that I want to get a job and go to grad school, but there is so much more uncertainty.

I really, really need another job. On Monday I'll will call all the places that I applied to check the status of my application...I need to be making more money. I can't stress out. I can't. Ugh. My anxiety gets out of control sometimes. And I haven't taken my medicine in a few days, and thats catching up with me.

I think that's part of summer. The free time, the anxiety....things are so new. This relationship is so new, so different. I'm worrying about things I never thought I'd worry about. And I know its sometimes irrelevant and useless....but I also can't help it. I want things to be perfect and they're not....(well, duh).

I don't know what else to say. Oh. Today mom and I went and returned a dress that she had bought me for my birthday. It was cute, it just didn't fit right. We ended up finding two other dresses (there was a huge sale) and they're so cute. One is a cute little vintage summer dress and the other is knit...black with pretty blue accents. Pretty simple...wear to work, or just on a random day. I'm looking forward to wearing a dress...but it needs to get way above 50 degrees before that will happen. I'm tired of having all these cute clothes that I want to wear and not being able to because I'd freeze my ass off.

I guess thats about it for now. I'll write more tomorrow.

I need to talk.

I have a lot of things going on. First - a job thing. Second - some relationship thing.

Job.
I hope the apartment thing works out...work 10 hours a week and get free rent. It seems to good to pass up....but the catch is that my parents want me to live with someone, not alone. That makes sense. But I 'm not sure who I could find (especially at my school, where there are certain restrictions on living off campus). I guess it could be Em, but mom pointed out that she may not want to do that. I don't know. If I get offered this - its too good to turn down. It's really starting to stress me out - not knowing where I'm going to live, not having a good job, any money....

It makes me feel really needy....which is where the relationship thing comes in. There's an ended relationship, and whenever I speak with that person, I get these pangs of neediness, guilt, and desperation. I absolutely hate that. It makes me feel vulnerable...even worthless.

I really need to calm down, I'm feeling very anxious and stressed. Ughhhhhhhh.....I hate this! Move on, move on, move on.......

I'm frustrated that it looks like I can't have the 4th off. I'm frustrated that I don't have a real job. I'm frustrated that I don't have any money and a fucking maxed out credit card. I feel like such a failure for admitting that.....

:(

revamp time. (again).

I wanted to start fresh with this blog and delete all of the old stuff, but I'm not going to. Yes, it was sporatic (sp?) and silly and off the wall, but its the past.

There are a few things I want to work on this week. I'd like to be active every day for seven days. This means at least a half hour. And I need to take my vitamins and drink my water. I'll keep track here for seven days, and we'll go from there.

I finished my third year at GFU, and went to Europe (Amsterdam, Brugge, Rouen, Normandy, Paris) for three weeks. I've been back home for about three now. It still feels like I haven't settled. The nanny job I had lined up fell through, so at the moment I'm only working PT at Lane Bryant - and trust me, I don't want to be there much longer. I've applied at six other jobs, and I think all of them can carry me through the next school year. One of them would be perfect: part time apartment manager. I'd get a place to stay for free, in exchange for working PAID 10 hours a week. That would be completely awesome. Please, everyone, cross your fingers, toes and intestines for this. I desperately need something to work out for next year involving a place to live - and a job.

What else? I really want to work on my creativity. I love all kinds of decorating and scrapbooking and making things, but I don't tend to do them because I'm afraid that I'll mess up or it won't be perfect or what I want. I need to realize that this is okay - that I can simply create something for the process of creating. I'm in the middle of a scrapbook page for Chance; the pictures are of him playing in the snow with Amy last winter. I have it roughly laid out, but it's been sitting on the counter for a few days with absolutely no commitment.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the self-improvement area. And, yeah. There is always improvement to be made. But I have a habit of making improvement (weight loss, creativity, etc) my main goal. And that hasn't made me happy yet.

You know what makes me happy? Among other things, my uterus. I know, this is getting off topic...and it might be a little TMI for some of the gentlemen out there, but oh well. I absolutely adore having a uterus (and ovaries and breasts and all the things that go along with being female). Yes, its uncomfortable and even painful to have a period, to birth children, and to go through menopause...but I get to bring children into this world. I get to create life with someone and bring a child into this world. (And you know whats even better than that? I can choose to do this, but I'm not talking about abortion). Everyone says that women have these intuitions...and maternal instincts. And for me, its a bit true. I'm proud of the fact that I can care for people when they're ill. I'm proud of the fact that I do the soccer-mom arm save when I brake fast and a passenger is in my car. I love that there are males out there (trust me, I love men)....but I am glad that Jill Renae Lepire was born female and is not afraid to seek, discover, and express her femininity.

What do you ladies and gents like or dislike about being your particular gender?

No no no no no.

I just saw my friends wedding pictures. She looked absolutely stunning. Instead of being happy for her, I became bitter about my life.

But you know what? You're SUPPOSED to look stunning on your wedding day. She did...and I will, too. I don't want to get married for a long time...so why am I even worried about this?

My therapist is showing me that almost every conflict I have (or the way I deal with it) relates back to how I do (or don't) accept myself. What's my definition again? "A conscious decision or act of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness." Or, something like that.

:D

My eyes are watery today.

Whatever.

I just got back from my women's group. It was really nice. It's good to know that there are other women out there that feel the same way that I do. And they don't have answers, either. Just, along the way you unconsciously make decisions about what you believe. It's frustrating in the day to day life, but when I think about where I've come from in the past year, I am truly amazed.

What else is going on? Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Mom just stopped by and brought cupcakes and goodies for us. She pulled me aside and talked to me and....ugh. I'm just so sad that I can't get what I need emotionally from her. I want that so bad. Especially with Valentines Day....

You know what? No. It would be very easy to sink into this depression piece. I have reasons to hurt. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not. I'm going to do something positive tonight that will affirm me.

I've had some chocolate, and it was good. I'm watching a good TV show, that's good, too.

I'd love to talk to Aaron. Wouldn't that be nice? He would be so nice to me and so loving and it would just make me feel worse because I don't have that here. I guess I don't have to worry about that...he won't be home from work for two and a half more hours.

I don't know.

Repeat after me: acceptance is a mental attitude or conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

Unconditonal kindness and gentleness. I am WORTH that, damnit. And I'm worth giving it to myself.

Acceptance.

My therapist asked me to define "acceptance," which is something that I've been struggling with. I integrated some other formal definitions to create my own.
Acceptance: A mental attitude of conscious mental choice of regarding oneself and others with unconditional kindness and gentleness.

We talked about a few things.
*I mentioned myself and others...and I put myself first
*I used the word "unconditional"

In our discussions, I realized that acceptance recognizes worth but doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be okay with it. For example, if someone hurts me (mom), I recognize that they have worth, and treat them as such, but I don't need them in my life and I don't need to be okay with the hurt.

I also thought about something else today. Maybe I don't have to "feel" pretty to accept myself.

Hmm. Food for thought.

Speaking of food...dinner time.

Patience.

So many things are running through my mind.
My weight. (Duh.)
Paper/presentation due on Tuesday.
Lack of money.
How much fast food I've eaten lately.
My plans this weekend (birthday dinner with Megan and Em, Church and Jeff Dunham).
Patience (with the God thing).
Acceptance (therapist wants me to define it in words and pictures.
Amber's BIL calling (long story).

Well, I guess it's not that long of a story. A co-worker wants to set me up with her brother-in-law, who is 21. I gave her my number to call me so that we could all go out to dinner or something, if he is interested. I gave my number on Sunday and we just ended Thursday. I know that I need to calm down, but seriously. I just get so anxious. (This is nothing new, people).

I talked to my therapist about it. He helped me realize a few things. First, I feel like I can't have a crush or anything resembling a crush. I automatically believe that no one will EVER EVER EVER like me. Anyway. I need to learn that all emotions are okay to feel AND to express.

Wow. I can't formulate any sentences right now. Later. :)

I want to go to bed so bad.

But, I promised myself I would write a bit.

I started my period today. (Is that TMI? Deal with it.). So I've been pretty sensitive and horribel to myself. I've eaten a lot of fast food in the past week and I can feel that I've gained a few pounds. I'm trying sooooo f-ing hard to not completely destroy myself. I need to realize that I'm fat, it's not a secret, and fat in itself is not something to be ashamed about. I'm fat because I eat. I eat because I'm trying to fill and void and didn't know any other way. There's nothing BAD in that. And there's also nothing BAD in trying to change that now, when I know better.

Anyway. I worked tonight. I will work the next four nights (keep in mind that my work is almost 20 miles from my school, and I have to drive it each day that I work). I love my job (Lane Bryant) and need the hours (don't even get my started on my credit), and enjoy the drive (I don't, however, enjoy paying for gas).

Now I'm feeling the need to defend my credit. Maybe not for you, but for me. And I know I'm okay. So no worries.

Off to bed. Finally. :)

I'm scared

of failing Statistics. Or not passing with a C....which is required for my major. I don't believe I can do it.

I don't want to get stressed out and anxious...like I am...

why can't I' orrganize my thoughts?

What am I going to do with myself?

B: three donut holes
L: 2 cups chicken broccoli pasts
S: Lean Cuisine Pizza
D: 1/2 plate nachos, 1 cup veggie stir fry, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes
S: PB+J and apple cider


I guess thats not as bad as I THOUGHT....

Woohoo?

So, today I was rocky. I gave a presentation on binge eating that sucked. I wanted to start dieting. I thought about that for a bit.

After work I spent $10 on fast food...but I didn't eat it all. About half of it. I threw the rest away. Yay?

woo-hoo.

I decided to go to the gym tonight, because I felt like it. It felt so good. :)

I did 20 minutes elliptical and 20 minutes of random upper body weights. I did back work, because my back is all messed up again.

I e-mailed mom at work last night, with part of my previous post. I went all day without hearing from her, only to find out that today was a holiday and she didn't have work. So I'll see what she says tomorrow.

Also, I have to pick up my SS card from home - I got that job at the YMCA. Woohoo. :) I meet with my new boss on Wednesday afternoon.

I'm not sure what to think.

I am so tired and want to lose weight so badly. I've seen pictures of myself from a year or more ago and I just wish I looked like I did then. I am filled with so much self hate. I feel like I can't lose weight. I feel like I never succeed. It's so hard and I have too many issues. I feel like I'm using excuses...no. I feel like other people think they're excuses. But they're so REAL.

I wonder where my drive went. I always felt hopeless, but I kept on trying. I don't know why this time is different.

It's so weird that I haven't been interested in boys. I mean, I want security. I want physical cuddling. But there are no boys I'm interesed in. Maybe I've just given up. That feels so sad...to not have hope in finding a love.

Eh.

I like my horoscope this week.

Oh dear.

I don't feel like I can handle anything. I feel so emotional....I cried last night with Aaron, again. He's always so wonderful with me.

I really do feel stuck. But I either don't think I can change or change is way too scary. I think both are happening. Today I'm going to do my "homework" for therapy. I have to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for. Then I have to think about how they relate to me (how I make them good). That part will be tricky.

I'm also supposed to do some sort of exercise. I have time today but I don't want to. But I should.

I feel so horrible.

I'm ready to give up.

The past week or so has been so emotional. Weird sleeping habits, horrible mood swings, incessant crying. I started therapy again, and I've had two sessions. I was emotionally drained in both of them. I think this is going to be a good thing overall, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to carry through. There is so much going on. I feel upset at my parents for not giving me what I need. I feel guilty for thinking that because they'll insist until they're blue in the face that they're great parents. I'm the one that has misinterpreted everything. I suppose its true that they do all these things for my best interest, and thats hard to accept. How can I be upset with them when I *know* its only for my well-being?

All I know is that I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yearning for a simple hug. I'm tired of mom calling, when she knows I'm upset, and is worried more about school than my well-being. Where was the "i love you?" Where was the "do you need anything?" I shouldn't expect it anymore. I don't know if I expect it...I just know that I notice it when it doesn't come. I don't know how to hold anything together.

Aaron has been my glue. And we haven't had a lot of time lately and it SUCKS. I miss him. I miss my support. It feels like the only real support that I've ever had. Do you know how lonely that is? It's horrible. I tried to take melatonin yesterday (HORRIBLE day. I don't even want to talk about it) to try to get some sleep. I ended up having one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in awhile. It really, really sucked.

I want Aaron to be here. To really hold me. Would I feel better? If I had that unconditional support just once, I wonder what would happen.

I'm so scared.

I can't stand myself right now. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. I want to cry and scream and hide at the same time.

Anxiousness.

Why, why, why?

Alright. I dyed my hair brown this morning. All I could think of was how fat I am. Later I called Aaron. We were all lovey and I got teary. Then we were intimate. Now I'm all confused. Tonight is my women's group. Then the labyrinth. Why does it make me anxious? I don't feel like walking around in front of people being all "spiritual" for everyone to see. I suppose it could be a good experience. I just am scared. I'll go because I have to. But maybe I'll just sit and write and think. I don't know.

I saw a "Fat Rant" video. It was a plus size woman talking about how we should accept fat, etc. The whole time I was thinking, "great. You're a size 16. I'd KILL to be a size 16." I know that part of it is the way I eat.

I just want to be better. I know that therapy will help. It'll be a lot of work. I just hope I can do it.

:(

I don't want to go, I don't want to go! Ack. There's no one here to calm me down....

and I hate that I need someone to calm me down.

Countdown - T minus 40 minutes.

Ack. I meet with the therapist in 40 minutes. It's starting to freak me out. I'm trying to think about all of the things I want to say. I want to spill all of it out and say "help me." But I also don't think I should - I guess I should learn to trust him.

I called mom this morning. Disappointing. I've asked her to go to the mall a few times and she keeps saying no. I mean...I know that she can say no. And a mall isn't exactly something that she loves going to. But it feels like she's saying no to me. In the end, I know it works out for the best. I wouldn't have a good time at the mall with her - I rarely do.

I think a lot of my problem is that mom didn't teach me how to deal with emotions effectively. She taught me to eat. I guess I taught myself to shop. It sucks. Its sucks because even if I get over this eating and shopping thing, I can't depend on her for healthy problem solving conversation. If I have a problem, I don't go to her. I want to, but I never get what I need. I guess I understand that she did the best that she could. And I guess I can't hold it against her. I know that life isn't fair. It just left me with SO much pain.

I hope this goes well...

Bloatedness.

I've had a lot of food this weekend. Today I had two packages of Top Ramen (and I may even have another, for lack of something else to eat. I'm feeling a little bad about my body. Okay, I do feel bad, but I don't want to dwell on it.

I'm also anxious about my therapy tomorrow. I guess its because I don't know whats going to happen. I'm going to have to reveal a lot of things. That's scary.

I really want to talk to Aaron. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm coloring a picture.

I keep finding myself wanting to call my mom. But I keep stopping myself. She doesn't seem interested in my life. She didn't teach me how to deal with my feelings. Eh.

I guess this is enough for now.

Oh. I just noticed that my antidepressants label says that it may cause drowsiness.

Great.

Gah. I saw engagement photos for a friend from high school. I wouldn't want to marry him, but I did like him for awhile. They're so cute and so happy. I want that.

Today at work I felt like such a frump. Well, okay. I felt like a frump all day. I suppose I should get over it.

I'm getting really, really excited for my therapy appointment on Monday. I really hope change starts to happen.

So I need to post. A lot is going on.

I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow. I *think* I have plans with Megan to go shopping on Saturday. I don't know if those still hold. So I was thinking I'd go out tomorrow and get my eyebrows waxed, get coffee, and maybe shopping on my own. It sounds good to spend a day alone tomorrow.

I think Aaron and I are going to take a few days apart - like this weekend. This relationship thing is so hard on me emotionally. He's so sweet and wonderful, and instead of enjoying it, I just get caught up in all of these wounds. I end up crying a lot. It scares me to take a day or two apart...what happens if I need him? I know I need to start learning to do things on my own.

I also have a therapy appointment on Monday. I had an emotional few days and set up an appointment with the counselor that the doctor recommended.....a man. I set up an appointment, but then couldn't make it. I also don't know that I wanted to make it. I talked to a woman professor that I love to see what she recommended for me. I trust her more than the other doctor. She said that there was some good work to be done with a male therapist, but that doesn't mean that I have to do it. I may not be comfortable with it. There are two other women that I could see. So, I called and set up an appointment with the man therapist, and we'll see how that goes. I'm reserving the right to switch to a woman. Kris, my woman professor, commended me for starting up. What she said solidified my worry. I really don't know if I think I can do it.

There are so many things that I want to improve. I want to see things rationally, and not just black and white. I want to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll see things I won't like, but I know that'll happen. It just scares me. I'm so tired of being sad. I've recognized a lot of things....I have a really hard time getting close to people. I suppose I trust them as people...I'm just terrified to let my guard down. Because once I do, all my issues will just flow out.

I called mom this morning to see if she wanted to do something with me tomorrow. She said no....which is fine. It still kinda stung. I feel like I'm always disappointed with my relationship with her and dad. Yet I still try. I still hope.

I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is going to be a good day. Will I cry today? I can't just let things be. I really, really hope that I find a therapist soon that can help me. I hope that I'm ready for the work.

Sunday - 8.26

12:30 - eggs w/ cheese, potatoes w/ ketchup, two sausage links
1:30 - marionberry scone, 16 oz. iced chai

Randomness.

I really want to be kissed. Not like with Steve...that didn't mean anything. I want a guy to WANT to kiss me.

I'm sure it'll be okay. I just want to whine for awhile. I took a nice, hot shower in the dark with candles, and I feel better :)

So, distraction?

I'm in a slump. Like I'm fighting between a heavy depression and being normal. Actually, more of just NOT being in a depression. I've been fighting feelings of being alone. When I'm with Aaron (long story)...I just. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship. And thats because I'm not good enough.

One of my underlying struggles is that I feel like I need too much. Too much food, too much attention, to much alone time, too much explanation, too much support and love. I don't know what to do about this.

I don't know what to do.

My doctor

wants me to limit my starchy carbs. And by doctor, I mean chiropractor. He's very into the total picture of wellness. Apparently my adrenal gland is working overtime, I have too much estrogen, and a few other things. This will help.

So. The past few days have meant junk food for me; starting a new job, driving all around, school...I'm very ready to get some REAL food into my system. I need to make myself go grocery shopping today and pick up a few things.

He didn't say to cut them out, but the more I limit the easier it'll be.

The million dollar question.

I'm retaining water. And puffy. And feeling generally anxious and sad and fumpy and blech.

So. What am I going to do about it? I'm going to go have lunch soon...I'm going to have a large salad with tuna. Maybe some sort of soup or something. There is a sandwich bar, I think, so I'll have a sandwich made and eat it tonight after training. Tonight's dinner isn't something I want. I don't know what I'll do for dinner.

What else would make me feel better? I need to wear something tonight that I feel comfortable and cute in. Maybe my all black work clothes. I have to work later...I'll bring my novel. I'll probably be able to finish it. I also need to do a reflection for one of my classes.

I'm sitting here eating candy. This is not helping.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Guilty for binging? Okay with it, because I'm improving? I've had a lot of junk this week. It hasn't felt totally out of control, but it was binges (and my behavior in them changed...going for food I really liked, etc). I wrote a bit about it on Shape, and they way they responded is making me feel guilty. Something like, "there has GOT to be a better way to deal with emotions; we all have sucky ones." Thats true. But I'm also growing and exploring and learning new ways an making progress. It felt like they were almost demeaning my experience. A binge is BAD. Feel guilty! Repent! I dunno...maybe a binge is something else.

I don't really want to feel guilty right now.

Woman-God.

Gender in the Imago Dei

A woman at a corporate social gathering approaches the buffet table to snag some shrimp cocktail; she was hungry and searching for something to eat. When she gazed up and down the buffet table, she realized that all that was left of the thousand dollar spread were remnants. All of the good, whole pieces of nourishment were taken. Peering discreetly around the room, the nameless woman realized that all of her male colleagues were busy picking at full plates. The minority of her peers, the women, were virtually food-less.

It seems to be a silly example, but it serves as a slight metaphor for the traditional Christian church. Because of gender-biased language, traditions, and teachings, women experience an exclusion from the church, the place that is supposed to give them nourishment. For the majority of the church body, God is presented as male, yet believers claim that God is beyond understanding and genderless. This discrepancy in orthodoxy and orthopraxis have deeply wounded its’ believers, male and female. God has been presented as a woman, but has been ignored for a more “correct” image of God as male. This serves a purpose; to perpetuate patriarchy and keep men in their “comfort zone,” which is leading and serving over women, not next to women. If we, as a believing community, embraced both genders as accurate images of God, we would have a more complete picture of faith.

Jonathan F. Bassett and John E. Williams from the Department of Psychology at Georgia State University conducted an experiment entitled “Protestants’ Images of Self, God, and Satan as Seen in Adjective Check List Descriptions.” In this experiment, the directors asked 102 Protestant students from an urban university to describe their images of God, Satan, and Self with a questionnaire/check list. “Participants described God as gender neutral, favorable, and strong, but not active, and high on the nurturing parent ego state (Protestants 1).” This study was consistent with previous studies which showed

[t]hat although people use masculine images such as father when talking about God they view him (her) as androgynous, possessing both masculine and feminine characteristics. . . . [A]verage participants possessed a New Testament image of God as nurturing and loving and not an Old Testament image of God as vindictive and punishing (Protestants’ 10).

These typical Protestant students showed that they believe that God is both masculine and feminine. But when they were asked to describe God in adjectives, the majority of the students chose masculine imagery. The directors of this study referenced another study (Lee and Early, 2000) in which 97.9% of respondents chose God as father over mother, when they were asked to choose between the two (Protestants’ 12). This study shows the discrepancy between Christian beliefs and actions. As a whole, we believe the God is not a specific gender, yet we label and refer to God solely as “He,” neglecting the feminine aspects of God.

Some would say that the use of a single-gendered language is simply a model for reflection. Christians innately know that God transcends gender issues; using “man” as the example for God is simply time saving and meant to include everyone. The church would say that it certainly isn’t their intention to exclude women; God is all-inclusive. Joseph A. Bracken, S.J., a retired professor of theology at Xavier University, wrote an essay for Theological Studies in which he discussed the images of God. “[M]odels are neither literal pictures nor useful fictions but limited and inadequate ways of imagining what is not observable. They make tentative ontological claims that there are entities in the world something like those postulated in the models (Theological 2).” Bracken illustrates the fact that models, like using exclusive “He” images to refer to God, are understandable ways of trying to picture God, but that does not mean that they are correct of even helpful. God is indescribable, simply because of His/Her nature. As humans, who wish to know and worship this God, we need some sort of image…something to hold onto, that we can relate with. Very rarely (if ever) will a single image be relatable and liberating for all people, of all lands, and all genders.

When we view God as solely male or female, we invariably bring into discussion the sexuality of God, and not simply His/Her gender. Does the fact that male and female were created in God’s image “imply that God has a sexual nature and that sexuality itself discloses the divine image (Interpretation 8)?” Perhaps sexuality is a separate blessing, used to create “dominion” over the Earth (as we were told to procreate). Professor Emeritus of Biblical Interpretation W. Sibley Towner explains:

If we see the image of the divine in the maleness and femaleness of humankind, it is not their sexual conjunction per se. That comes as a separate divine authorization of what would in any case be necessary for survival, multiplication, and dominion. ‘Image’ is manifested in their very plurality and consequent fellowship (Interpretation 9).

As Towner suggests, the true image of God is seen in the union of both genders, not explicitly in the sexuality of each individual one. By focusing on the male gender as a metaphor for God, the church has excluded the other half…the female divinity. By doing so, we are only experiencing half of the image of God. If we were to join up both images, the Christian church would have a more complete image of God. By ignoring one side, the church has made a devastating mistake by not only excluding half of the population, but also by limiting its’ view of God.

It is not even that the church has been ignorant of the image of God the Mother; it’s that the church explicitly ignored God the Mother. There are specific instances in the Old and New Testaments where the writers refer to God in feminine metaphors. The Gnostic Gospels spoke explicitly of God the Mother, but they have all been shunned and ignored. For instance, Isaiah 42:14 says that God “will cry out like a woman in labor, I will gasp and pant.” Isaiah 46:3-4 says that God has borne the house of Israel, and was carried in God’s womb; “I will carry and I will save.” God will also comfort as a mother comforts her child (Isaiah 66: 13) and never forget her child (Hosea 11:3-4; Isaiah 49:15). As Elizabeth A. Johnson points out in her book She Who Is, there are also pictures of the protective side of a mother. As Hosea 13:8 shows, God is like a “bear robbed of her cubs; I will tear open their breast.” There are numerous verses in the Scriptures showing God as a mother; we were even born of God (John 1:13). Somehow, we forget our Mother, as Deuteronomy 32:18 explains; “You were unmindful of the Rock that bore you; you forgot the God who gave you birth.” The Scriptures are as explicit as they could possibly be, given the limitations of the culture and time, to say that God has feminine qualities as well as masculine ones. As Johnson points out, “The Jewish and Christian Scriptures recognize the importance of the mother-child relationship when they use the metaphors of pregnancy and birth, suckling and feeding, carrying and training, the anger of the mother bear and the protective wing of the mother hen to refer to God’s creative relationship with the world (She 171).” It’s not the holy texts that lack references to God as a woman or mother, but the patriarchal church that has ignored them.

Before we know why they have been ignored, it is essential to know how they have been ignored. A specific example of the ignorance of the church is the translation of the name for God, El Shaddai. As Sue Monk Kidd examines her experience with the in her book The Dance of the Dissident Daughter:

I was especially intrigued with the phrase El Shaddai, in an interesting name for God that occurs forty-eight times in the Bible. It has been traditionally translated “the almighty” or, more exactly “God of the mountain.” But shad is also a Hebrew word for breast. The ending ai is an old feminine ending, therefore a probably ancient meaning of El Shaddai was “the breasted one.” God, the breasted one (146).

A common name for God has been commonly translated by the church to mean a male characteristic. “The almighty” suggests a deity that is all powerful and mighty; brave, courageous and commanding. The other translation, a very feminine imagery of “God, the breasted one,” has been completely disregarded for the former, male imagery. This was a great opportunity for the church to embrace the divine feminine, to embrace the gestating, birthing, and nurturing aspects of our God. Unfortunately, the church chose simply to embrace the more comfortable position of a powerful, almighty King, and wounded all of its followers in the process.

The other, more obvious element of harmful male language is seen in the Trinity. Christians believe that their God is three-in-one; three beings in one deity. These beings are God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God the Father is commonly imagined as exactly that; the God that we picture in our minds when we pray and worship. God the Son is God’s son, Jesus, who came to Earth to save our souls. These two images can be easily mixed and clumped together as one being. The Holy Spirit is one third of the Trinity that is less understood than the other two. We don’t have a mental image of the Holy Spirit, except as possibly an androgynous being; an opaque ghost-like wind. And, if that imagery isn’t suitable, the church falls back onto male personification for the Hoy Spirit. It’s interesting that it isn’t simply God who is referred to as a man, but at least two thirds of the Trinity is referred to as male. Why is there no female imagery?

At one point, there was. “[T]he [Hebrew] term for the spirit of God or Holy Spirit is a feminine term,” writes Kidd.

It is the word ruah, and it occurs 378 times. Many times ruah is used to refer to the life of God of the essence through which the Divine acts. It is this transcendent spirit of God that eventually came to be known as Wisdom, referred to in Old Testament scripture by the feminine term, hokhmah. But the fascinating thing is that hokhmah or Wisdom is not merely a concept but is personified as a woman (147-48).

The Holy Spirit has feminine roots in the biblical language and tradition. Wisdom is God’s self reflection, an extension of God. Wisdom has been given deity-like characteristics, and is exalted as good. The Holy Spirit may have been the female counterpart in the Trinity, but has been played down to a base level; Christians today have a very sparse understanding of this third of the Trinity, let alone recognition of the divine feminineness.

Christians are taught to pray to God the Father. We are taught that our worth is given to us because we were created by God the Father. Our status is recognized in relation to me; are we a good wife? A good mother? (Of course, this is judged by male standards). Women’s experience of conceiving, growing, birthing, and nourishing a child is all but shunned in the biblical creation story. The world was borne of a male God, and ruled by the same deity. We are taught that God is a good man, kind and just and loving…but a man nonetheless. What if women were raised being able to crawl into the divine feminine lap and cry and heal…instead of approaching a “just” authoritarian Father? How would this change the experience of all Christians?

We have seen a harmful discrepancy between the Christian belief of God and expression of God. We say that God is gender-neutral, encompassing all, yet we refer to God solely as male. Partially because of Joseph A. Bracken’s work, we now realize that a model is inadequate at describing beings that we cannot see. God is also not seen as a gender, but in the union of both genders. The divine feminine has been ignored in Christian language and experience, despite the fact that she has been present in the beginnings of the Church.

It is incredibly unfortunate that the nourishing buffet presented by a loving God has been dominated and gobbled up by men. “There’s plenty left over,” some would say. “My faith is adequate for everyone.” This simply isn’t true, and because the struggle for liberation by the feminine minority in Christianity has been ignored, devalued, and ridiculed, our faith as a whole is starving. This is not a woman problem…this is a community problem. By refusing to let women taste the divine feminine, but humiliating them if they thirst for such nourishment, patriarchal Christianity is slowly destroying the souls of all of its believers. If we worship one gender, we have half of a faith. If we partake in half of a faith, everything we believe has the potential to be false. Not only would a more feminine spirituality let God out of the box that we’ve put Him/Her in, it would allow us as believers to experience God in a brand new way. Feminine love, as Kidd writes, “reunites us with each other, with nature, with the whole (156).” Feminine love…a feminine deity…completes God.

Big Girls - You Are Beautiful

Yeah, whatever. I still like the song by Mika, though.

So, I think I have strep. It HURTS. I'm also worried about the night and early morning, because that tends to be the worst time. It's not just a scratchy throat; my tonsils are HUGE with white spots and mucus all over them. Yuck. I just want to crawl in bed for awhile.

MIKA Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) Lyrics

Big girl, you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said "Hey girls, you are beautiful."
Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girls, you are beautiful!"

You take your skinny girl
I feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman needs a real man, is why
You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more

Chorus:
Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And there we're gonna do baby
No need to fantasize
Since the words are my phrases
A watering hole
With girls all around
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

Curves in all the right places

Big girls you are beautiful [4x]

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said "Hey girls, you are beautiful."
Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girls, you are beautiful!"

You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more


Feels like a big balloon? Multiply by 4? I guess I'm that big. Gah. Why all this self hatred? I was doing so well earlier. I've been fine. I know I'll have these episodes. I think part of it is being sick...and being tired...and being back from break and transitioning...I need to give myself grace.

Earlier today I reached for a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I'd tried to distract myself and work through it, but all I could think about was stuffing my throat with something cold, creamy, and sweet. And I knew I had it in the freezer. I was in the middle of a bite when I realized that I was playing mommy to myself. I was trying to give myself what I needed to feel better. There are all sorts of conflicting emotions in that...but I guess I just wanted a mommy. I wasn't strong enough to go it alone.

I really want to go home.

I feel overwhelming. Like I'm too much for everyone. I'm too forward, too nice, too big, too overwhelming, too confusing...I don't like this. My biggest fantasy is simply being held by a man who is larger than me; I want to feel containable. I guess this is where I get my control issues from. I feel out of control; like I need to be contained (in a negative way). This is a very lonely and frustrating place to be.

I don't necessarily want to CHANGE who I am...I just want to feel better about this. But I don't know how.

I feel anxious today. My mouth is tingly...like it wants to work. It's such an odd feeling.

I cannot WAIT for spring break.

Oh my word. I just need to get out. To rest.

Today is one of those days where I'm just down. I'm not sure why. I'm sure it has something to do with the boy from last night, and my mom's simple response this morning. I had cookies and pizza for lunch. It wasn't even good...but I wated it. I didn't want to care about calories. I also had a ton of candy yesterday. Ugh.

I'm tired. I don't understand why people aren't attracted to me. Maybe I don't have to understand. I *know* that I'm worth it. That I'm lovable and even pretty. But the only experience I've had is with a horny man who would do anything...nothing even remotely romantic. I wish I had that now; I just want to be touched. Somehow I think that being held will make my problems seem easier to handle.

Whatever.

I'm amazing.

There was a boy over tonight, and I kind of like him. We were joking around, and I got hints of who he liked. It didn't look favorable for me, and so I got depressed.

Long story short...I was able to pull myself out of it. I could feel myself deciding that this wasn't worth ruining my night. I still decided to eat...but I DECIDED to. It just took someone to point out the possibilities.

Yay me. :)


I still don't want to believe that he COULD be talking about me...but either way. I'm good.

So I registered for next years classes

Fall:
personality theory
art history
christian eliefs
statistics
chem/lab
drug and alcohol addiction

Spring:
systems of psychology
smerican women of faith
sociology of sexuality
abnormal psychology
x cult. exp. Ireland/Scotland

I still may have some tweaks to work out, but this is what it is so far. I will need to sign up for research methods for the spring, but its not letting me because I haven't taken stats (which I'm taking in the fall).

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday morning to get a new prescription (its taking FOREVER) and then a chiropractor appointment that afternoon. My back hurts...I'm in such pain! I'm trying to stretch it and move it and I'm even taking ibuprofin (partly for cramps and partly for my back). We'll see. I may even ice it tonight.

I'm super excited for spring break. I can't WAIT to have a week off and play with my fun new artsy stuff and read a novel and get a pedicure and just hang out. Mom, grandma and I will be going to the beach for a night; that should be fun. I think dad is taking me to Saturday market, or some other fun places in Portland. I'll be "dogsitting," so I'll be getting some money from that. I'm super excited. I'll also be searching for jobs, and that will be good; it'll give me more peace of mind that I have a plan for the summer. I hope everything goes well. I'm also going to try and approach my parents about my car, re more intependence. I'll need to be very careful with my words and such...and not ask for too much, blah blah blah.

Oh...I turn 20 in two months. Isn't that just...weird? It feels old and young at the same time. Yay. :)

I feel like I should...

make a plan. Like, work out every morning this week. I'm convinced that my eating hasn't been that great, and that working out would be easier than eating "right." I don't know. Maybe I will I tend to have to do things every day (its that all or nothing thing)...I don't keep a long-range plan in mind. Anyway...I will write more later.

Guess who's going to start her period today!

That would be me. I've got the backaches and the cramps. It's weird...I knew that I was going to get it around the 18th...and the week before I'm usually super emotional. I made it through the week almost unscathed. Yes, I had my nights, but I'm amazed that the intensity wasn't as bad as before. Craziness.

So. Another day of studying. Then a week of classes...then spring break! My spring break won't be *THAT* great. I'm just going home (which will be interesting). I'm going to the beach for a night with my grandma and mom...and I'm dog-sitting (which means cash for Jill). I'm going to apply for jobs...

I'm also going to get a pedicure, read a novel...yay. :) I actually read half of a novel yesterday. It felt sooooooooo good.

I don't have much else to post. I'd like to weigh..but I don't want to. I'm giving myself 6 more weeks to lose 10 pounds. I don't think I've done "good" enough to warrant a little loss. Maybe after my period...maybe in a week.

Friday

Breakfast: serving of fries, serving of Pringles
Good stuff was in the house from last nights binge....I was/am frustrated about the "extra roommate" that we picked up this weekend, and the fact that she's been in the bathroom for an hour and I have to pee. I'm also thinking about yesterday...trying to keep it in focus and trying to forget about it at the same time.

I'm going to...

keep a log of what I eat (which I already do) and ALSO how I'm feeling. I've always skipped this part, thinking that it wouldn't be relevant...that I already knew what I was feeling, etc. I'm not sure why I need to write this down..but I am. Accountability, I guess. :)

Bah.

I have to go take an exam, but when I'm done, I want to write about my living situation for next year. I so don't want to live on campus. But I don't want to live at home, either. So the next option is living in an apartment off campus. There are two problems with that.

1.) Money.
2.) Campus Policy

Unless I can be sneaky with the lease and have my parents own the lease, I can't move off campus. And I don't know if I'll necessarily have my parents approval. It seems like another fight. Why make waves? Why try something else if you could just live on campus? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ON CAMPUS. I don't want to live with people. I want to live on my own. I can get a job, and I can pay rent. My parents will be opposed to that, because I need to be studying, not working. But I'm unhappy on campus. I want to be near campus...and NOT at home. Too controlling. I simply don't know what to do.

It's silly and juvenile, I know.

I just ate a handful of peanut M&M's. They've been sitting in front of me for two hours.

I want spring clothes. I e-mailed mom ideas...but apparently she won't buy anything for me ...she just avoided it (money is a weird subject with us).

It made me feel bad, rejected, like I can't be the other kids. I'm the outsider. I thought the M&M's would help. They didn't.

So. I'm angry and hurt. I want new clothes to feel better and look better. To be like the other rich kids on campus. But...I guess not now.

I did..

I worked out for 20 minutes. I had diet pepsi at the coffee place.

Then I came home and had smart pop kettle corn and a can of tuna with black beans, mustard, and three slices of low carb bread.


Hmm. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought...

I had therapy today.

And we talked about weight loss for most of it. I was just really discouraged. I know that I want to lose weight, but my actions aren't following. I can see progress in individual circumstances, but not in the actual weight loss. That's where I need the progress. I also feel stuck, though. I know that a diet isn't the answer, it's sticking to the diet or lifestyle or whatever. It's not as easy as that, though. Anyone knows that. Anyway.

We talked about goals. I told her that it would be cool to lose 10 pounds by the end of April (when the school year is over), and another 5 in that month by my birthday. Wouldn't that be neat? It's also reasonable. My Diet Analysis Software says that I can definately do that by eating 2200 calories a day. Cool.

So then I go and have dinner. I come back and tally up my day, and I've had 2400 calories. I knew I had to write about it...to keep things in perspective. That's only 200 over my target, right? I can't copy/paste it into here, but I did have my fruit, and my vegetables, and my lean meats. I was going to go get coffee later...

Everyone's gone from the apartment. I could do a workout video. I could go for a walk (it's absolutely gorgeous outside). Hmm. I'll got for a walk for 30 minutes. Then maybe I can get some coffee later...this would be a good night to practice the things my therapist wants me to do. She thinks I should make a plan, three steps, to do when I want to eat but know that I don't need to eat. I can do that right now. Hmm.

First: Distance myself; go outside for a minute, sit in the living room, etc.
Second: Write about it. It can be angry, sad, lonely, whatever.
Third: 15 girlie pushups. I need to do something physical, but I won't always be able to workout.

That sounds good. I'll make that into a little card later tonight. I'm going to go for a walk...and then I'll make the card, and then I'll go to the coffeeshop, and hopefully study some. This is a good thing. :)

What the hell is this?

It's about 4:00. I've been looking forward to eating dinner for hours. I'm sitting at work, hating any obstruction between me and my food (even the tent set-up). I want to snack so badly, and I've already had some peanut M&M's. I'm not entirely sure what this is...or how to overcome it.

I suppose I have a choice. I could give in and snack more. I could wait for my meal, whenever it comes. Okay. Dinner in 10 minutes, at 4:30. I WILL have a reasonable meal. I swear to myself that I will treat myself well at dinner.

FOURTH, people!

That's the number in line my group is to sign up for Junior's Abroad (remember how much I want to go on the Ireland/Scotland trip?!?!). There was a short scare; someone thought we were 31ST IN LINE! But we're fourth. So...we're pretty much guaranteed the trip we want. :)

I did end up journaling the other day. Good for me. :) My eating was good...until I had two Top Ramen packages late at night. My calorie average for the last 3 days has been about 3000 calories. Not good. I need about 1900 or 2000. I e-mailed my mom - I would like my car so that I could drive to Bally's to take fitness classes. I think that would be lovely. But I'm not going to count on it.

I guess just keep trying...

I really wish

that I didn't have such an aversion to journaling. I want to...I feel a need to. But I simply put too much pressure on myself and end up avoiding it. It's like journaling isn't worth my time. But it IS...it's the same with scrapbooking. I always want to do it perfectly. I know that I can create things that I love...that mean something to me. And that is good enough.

:)

After dinner tonight, I WILL journal. It doesn't have to be long...it doesn't have to be intense or deep. But I think I'll enjoy it. :)

Clicky. Clicky.

The Day After.

This is after my crying spell last night. The puffiness in my eyes has gone down considerably, abd makeup helps. But I just can't get over how overweight I am.

Enough of that. Look at the blue in my eyes. Look at the swell of my lips...the freckle under my eyes. I look vulnerable, passionate, and deep. I look worthy.

I think that's the nicest thing I've written about myself in a long time. Here are some more pictures; I got inspired by a scrapbooking book that mom sent me ( in the next post).

I'm a little sad.

Just looking around at pictures on Facebook where everyone looks so happy...

Tonight's a night when I just want to cuddle with someone. I felt fine, but I went to coffee with sme friends and I just felt...single. Now I just want someone to cuddle with. To put their arms around me. I'm normally fine being single (recently, anyway). But I just...ugh. I have no way to combat this. Isn't this when I'm supposed to pamper myself? Yeah, fine. Okay. But it won't feel like someone's holding me. That's what I want.

I'll get through this. I always do. I just always wonder why I don't have this...what is so wrong with me that I don't deserve it? I was reading in one of my women's studies books that women look to men to save them, legitimize them, direct them. And, yeah. I feel that way. It also feels foreign to NOT look to men for that. I've looked to men for those things, and they've failed me. I always took that to mean that it was my fault. Logically I know that it can't be ALL my fault. But I also can't place blame on the men - the one's that are supposed to guide me.

Whatever.

I like the scale at home.

It says I've lost almost 3 pounds since Wednesday. :p I'll have to weigh in on Wednesday, like usual, to see what I've really lost. My goal is to get a few walks in this week. Lets see...

Monday: 2:00 walk
Tuesday: 10:40 walk
Wednesday: 10:30 walk
Thursday: no walk
Friday: 2:00 walk

On Saturday I'll me walking around with mom all day at the scrapbook convention.

I'm tired. More tomorrow. Things to write about:
~Junior's Abroad
~Winterhawks hockey game
~Um. Anything else?

:)

Sooooo

Today's diet was a dud. Pizza for lunch...more pizza after dinner (roommate gave it away!). I put in 3 days of this weeks diet into a nutritional analysis thing for a Nutrition requirement. The thing says I need 2900 calories a day. In three days, I had a defecit of almost 800 calories. I should be cutting back a few more hundred a day. I want to start walking daily...I want to get in the mindset of enjoying it and doing it because it's good for me...not because I'm on a diet or want to lose weight. I wonder how I do that?

In other news, I think I'm going to start a Bible study for women. I want to talk about the struggles we have with Christianity and patriarchy and how we find and discover God. I hope everything works out!

So.

No pictures today, but I did stay within my points. I'm very proud of myself. :) Now, time to plan out tomorrow...

I said I'd be back, didn't I?

If I didn't, too bad. I was on the phone with mom and had a little mental freak-out about money. As in, the fact that I don't have any. It'll be easier when I get home for the summer and can work. I think that when (*if*) my parents let me have my car after spring break, I'll look for a job. I'll hopefully start working a week or so after spring break. Mom and dad wouldn't agree, but it would help me out, I think. We'll see how it goes. I have to remember that I don't have any bills...I'm golden.

Hmm. This weekend, I want to create. I'm not sure what. I wasn't sure I wanted to go home, but I think I do...I don't think I can freely create with Em in the apartment bugging me. Maybe I'll go home and make my room into a little sanctuary. That would be wonderful...candles...Jack Johnson....ohhh...so healing. :)

Good morning, friends

Morning. :)

It's a slow morning...but a busy day! I have Counseling class, and we're going to get into small groups and practice some counseling techniques. We always do that on Thurdays. It's always uncomfortable. I'm often uncomfortable or unsure in front of people...it isn't a great feeling.

I've been looking at some scrapbooking blogs lately, and it's making my inspired, but also intimidated. My goal today is to take some random pictures. All the recent pictures I have are of my face. :p I can't make a scrapbook out of that, can I? Hmmm....quite possibly.

I'm not going to straighen my hair today. Just thought you should know. I will, however, be making coffee, I think.